


Reboot

by Poose



Series: Technosocial [4]
Category: Social Network (2010)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Existentialism, Facials, Future Fic, Grief, Love, M/M, Original Character(s), Post-Canon, Sex, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-27
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-21 19:30:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 63,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/228914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poose/pseuds/Poose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark, post-canon and post-Eduardo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

*  
Mark has a tough year, in 2013, and a lot of things change.

*  
Eduardo happens, and then his therapist is putting in overtime.

*  
When he sees Eduardo he cannot not kiss him, is what he tells Theresa, and she shakes her head and he sighs and stares at his cupped palms.

*  
And somehow they get to the point where it happens, Eduardo gives him another chance, and he does everything right and everything he is supposed to do and it doesn't work and Eduardo leaves, and goes back to New York.

*  
Mark is miserable.

*  
He mopes around and he won't talk, and he goes to Target and buys an industrial-sized box of Red Vines and a three-pack of Cool Ranch Doritos and a fountain Coke and sits in his car, eating candy, in the parking lot.

*  
It fucking _sucks._

*  
Everyone is trying to take him out, keep him interested, occupied.

*  
He just wants to get away, go somewhere, anywhere, with more sky, and less people, and no fucking internet.

*  
Theresa has talked to him about _compulsive tendencies._

*  
Now that Eduardo is on facebook, it is all too easy to know what is going on in his life.

*

(Mark might, maybe, read Eduardo's messages and chat transcripts, though he keeps this secret, from Theresa.)

*  
And Mark is pissed off, like, a lot.

*  
He knows that being physical helps, it gives him an outlet, so he swims and fences, and takes a couple of runs, when it's not too hot out, and uses the free weights he has in his garage, since he still has to avoid the gym when he feels low.  
*  
Mark is not, needless to say, perfect. He never has been, has never claimed to be.

*  
Eduardo always thought he was so fucking _perfect_ , though, and thinking of Eduardo makes Mark very mad, for a long time.

*  
He has to stick around for a while, because Dustin goes to be with Clare and Max, and he doesn't trust anyone but Dustin to look after facebook, not really. For little stuff, sure, but not two months, maybe more.

*  
Dustin he trusts not to fuck things up.

*  
Randi is fine, but not with technical things. Same as Chris -- but he is not around, and he doesn't know tech stuff half as well as he thinks, not even really well enough to delegate. Sean is good at some things, like pitching -- he's _scary_ good at pitching -- but he sucks at the day-to-day.

*  
Mark waits. He looks on the internet, because he wants to go somewhere where he can be alone, but not really.

*  
He looks at hiking tours, cruises, mountain treks, grape-picking.

*  
It all seems pretty lame.

*  
However, since he has been contemplating finishing his degree, and he really has no need to get a BA in Computer Science, at this point, he looks at different classes, abroad, in the summer.

*  
After a lot of looking on the course catalog, and at Google Earth, and calculating points of distance, remoteness, and lack of access to the internet, he signs up for a archaeological dig in central Anatolia, supervised by Dr. Laura Wilkes-Brown, with room for eight students for 12 credit hours.

*  
There will be seven weeks of digging, at the site, and then the students and the TA will travel around the region for two weeks.

*  
Digging in the dirt for eight hours a day with no access to running water sounds about right.  
*  
He pays in advance.

*  
There is a lot to do at the office. The servers don't crash, but hackers from Korea, Russia, Kazakhstan, are getting smarter, more sophisticated.

*  
Things go on like they have, only he's sadder, and busy like usual, and sometimes responsible for watching the baby, when Clare and Dustin go out.

*  
Every other weekend, they will leave Mark alone with Max, who sleeps a lot, and is a good tv-watching partner.

*  
Mark gets along very well with the baby, because unlike his therapist, or his nosy-ass friends, it never wants to talk about stuff.

*  
He likes the chickens for that same reason. They ask no questions.

*  
Sometimes, after he has worked too late, or gone online -- which Theresa calls snooping, but, he argues, it can't be snooping if it's not really private in the first place, can it? -- he will look at pictures of dogs, and think about maybe getting one. He has a sneaking suspicion it might kill the birds, though, so he doesn't do that.

*  
He starts eating candy again, which Chris freaks out about, when he sees Mark crunching green apple Jolly Ranchers between his back molars.

*  
"What are you eating? Don't you worry about your teeth?"

*  
Mark shrugs. Whatever.

*  
They're just teeth.

*  
Mark is being kind of a dick all summer.

*  
He argues with Theresa, and they talk about _love_ and _friendship_ and _forgiveness_ but Mark is really not paying attention, like he should.

*  
He stays in the city, in his apartment, and imagines that he can still smell Eduardo's cologne on the pillows.

*  
Of course he cannot, it's been months.

*  
Dustin bugs him, trying to pull faces.

*  
Randi keeps a wide berth, as she always has. Since he was five and she was eight, she has done this.

*  
He sometimes thinks Randi is kind of a bitch.

*  
She's really determined, and she has all these ideas and all these plans, and Mark hates it when she gets pushy.

*  
If he tells Theresa this she says he has _issues with powerful women_ and he wants to say, yeah, but you've never met my sister.

*  
He doesn't use that word anymore, or he tries not to.

*  
But Randi, seriously, is pretty bitchy, a lot of the time. They steer clear of one another, at work. Socially it's different, she's more chill, so they can do that, but around the facebook offices she is a brisk blur of cardiganed efficiency, and she bugs him, too.

*  
And Sean is so annoying and keeps wanting to set him up on dates, to, as he says, _get back out there, man._

*  
Mark has never wanted to punch Sean more.

*  
Like, _never._  
*  
He and Chris fight, on two separate occasions. Once when Mark comes back from lunch to find that his Now & Laters have been replaced by fucking _raisins_ , which are just _not the same_ , and he snaps, _you're not my mother, Jesus!_

*  
It's pretty much totally shitty.

*  
One day when DOS attacks are coming from all inside the Caucasus, Clare comes into the office with the baby, and everyone stands around and stares at him, and pokes him and stuff.

*  
Mark sees Max enough that he does not have to go stand and gawp with all of the girls.

*  
And Dustin, who is worse than any girl, trying to make Max smile.

*  
Mark is certainly annoyed by it, so he figures Max is too.

*  
He keeps his head down, and opens Starburst wrappers one-handed, as he works, until Clare taps him on the shoulder and says, "Can you take a break?"

*  
He goes with them to Jamba Juice and then the park, where they walk around a little bit and then sit a little bit.

*  
She asks him if he wants to come to her yoga class some time.

*  
He says no, even though she insists it will make his ass look cute.

*  
Normally he would find that kind of funny, the way she makes jokes about his butt, but he does not want to think about butts, especially not those which do fucking _yoga._

*  
"Thanks, though," he says, and drinks his smoothie.

  
"Yeah, sure," she says.

*  
Clare can be quiet, too.

*  
One would have to be, with Dustin, who is always yammering the fuck on about a new reboot of a not so distant movie-franchise, or how he totally found this store that sells really really tiny punk rock t-shirts, so he got a Ramones one and a Black Flag one, but Clare vetoed the Exploited one, because she said that _even punk rock is no excuse for bad grammar_ and then he snaps at Dustin, too.

*  
Mark cannot wait to not have people talk at him.

*  
It's still so tiring.

*  
He flies to New York, to see his family, over the holidays. His mom watches movies with him, and he sits at the table while she makes dinner and he looks online.

*  
They are going into the city, to see family, and Mark knows that Eduardo is in the city, in Manhattan, where he lives and attends Columbia University and is studying International Finance.

*  
He is in New York for the holidays, and then in Big Sur, with everyone, for Thanksgiving, which is nice. They rent a giant house and make a ton of random food, which they have been doing for a couple of years now.

*  
Thanksgiving, with no family, Mark thinks, is the absolute best holiday of all, because all you have to do is eat, and then lie around and hold your stomach, or nap, or watch tv.

*  
Mark likes Thanksgiving, so that is nice.

*  
New Years' is good, it's quiet. They have dinner out, everyone, early, and then he and Dustin and Clare go back to their house and drink a lot of wine and play board games and then watch three episodes of _Firefly._

*  
Dustin is insisting they _revisit the oeuvre of Joss Whedon_ so they are doing that, this year, that is the plan.

*  
Mark is leaving in June, for two and a half months.

*  
He trusts Dustin with facebook, the same way Clare and Dustin trust him with Max.

*  
Mark takes him out sometimes, just the two of them.

*  
Max is a seriously fat baby, and he is very happy to just drive around with Mark, in the car, in his carseat, in the back seat.

*  
He makes gurgling noises and babbles, the start of words.

*  
Mark always checks the rearview mirror.

*  
This is how he knows that he can trust Dustin with facebook, when he leaves.

*  
He is going to bring a satellite phone, so in case of emergencies they will be able to reach him.

*  
Mark wants to be away from a computer for as much as he can. If anything happens he will pay for a taxi to the nearest town and then take a bus to Ankara and then fly into Istanbul, connecting to Hamburg, where facebook has offices.

*  
That is the plan for the summer of 2014, and Mark is really looking forward to it.

*  
For the first time in his entire life, Mark has zero desire to be sitting in front of his computer.

*  
Because the call is too strong, to see what he is doing.

*  
Mark can, of course, see everything that is on facebook, even content that is set to private.

*  
That is like, kid stuff.

*  
There's not a lot to go on.

*  
Pictures, mostly.

*  
Of Eduardo in a fucking tuxedo, with his tie undone, kissing someone on the cheek, holding a hand up to obscure the lens.

*  
Eduardo all stupid and fucking _tan_ in a swimsuit that is seriously, fucking indecently tiny next to Christy Lee, who looks even better than she did in college, which is crazy, and next to her, in a stupid fucking hat the old dude that Eduardo has ended up with.

*  
Mark supposes that he is attractive, in an forty-something sort of way.

*  
When he met him, he could kind of maybe see what Eduardo saw in him.

*  
But he still fucking hates him.

*  
Eduardo's status no longer says _single_ and Mark is, as always, pissed.

*  
So, yeah, he checks on what Eduardo is doing.

*  
And he is always doing something, like being on fucking vacation all the time, and either smiling, when he is standing next to the man Mark has met one time and hates with all his guts, or if he is alone, making this sort of pouty face at the camera and looking all perfect.

*  
Mark is not sure which are worse, the pouty pictures or the smiley ones.

*  
One thing, though, he is sure of.

*  
He knows that if he does not get away from the internet, he is going to drive himself fucking _insane._

*  
The group meets once before they leave, on the Berkeley campus, in a departmental lounge.

*  
There are seven students besides Mark, a TA, and Professor Wilkes-Brown, who has a very serious face.

*  
There is Eli, who attends Pepperdine and wants to go to graduate school. He has wispy hair and glasses and a weak chin.

*  
Anna has a whole lot of dark hair and has been on a ton of digs, this will be her fourth time going to the Middle East.

*  
There is Preeti, who goes to Penn, and has never been on a dig before, either, like Mark.

*  
Zeke has very frizzy hair and a weird laugh, but he appears to be smart. He is going to be attending the University of Chicago, in the fall, for archaeology, and Mark can see Anna glare at him, when he says this.

*  
Karl is older. He seems maybe okay, possibly like he's a burnout from way back, though. He talks super slowly.

*  
Susan and Robert are an older couple, from Grand Rapids, Michigan, who do things like this during the summer. They are both teachers. They seem nice enough.

*  
The TA, Hassan, is also from Michigan, from Dearborn. He is wearing a black t-shirt, he is beginning preliminary research for his dissertation project, and he smells, very faintly, of almonds.

*  
Theresa actually gives him a hug at their last session before his trip, and tells him the time away will be good for him, especially with all of his control issues.

*  
Mark packs his things, but not his laptop, which he has not traveled without ever, in his life. He packs a bunch of books, including a Latin dictionary and a Turkish phrase book. He brings some candy, too, though he thinks it may get confiscated at customs.

*  
They have a farewell dinner, at Clare and Dustin's house, the night before he leaves, just after his thirtieth birthday. Everyone is there, and he is going to miss them, but he is not going to miss all the looks of pity, or concern that they keep giving him, and the way everyone asks, condescendingly, "You okay, Mark?"

*  
The summer group meets at the San Francisco airport, fresh-faced and excited, laden with backpacks and duffel bags.

*  
By Chicago they are a little more rumpled and a bit more grouchy.

*  
They have a lot of drinks at O'Hare, waiting for a connecting flight to Istanbul, and eat nachos at a Chili's.

*  
Mark buys a bunch of overpriced candy and some glossy tech magazines, in a news store, figuring he won't see either for a while.

*  
The flight to Istanbul is a long one. A lot of people sleep.

*  
Mark curls up under a thin blanket and tries to sleep.

*  
He hates flying, and he _really_ hates flying coach, but short of paying for an upgrade for the whole group -- which he did contemplate for about five minutes, waiting on check-in, but decided would be presumptuous and maybe kind of jerky -- there's nothing he can do.

*  
The Istanbul airport is a blur, because he is so tired. Their flight to Ankara is delayed, so they set up camp at a coffee bar. The TA, Hassan, does the ordering for all of them, since he is the only one fluent in Turkish. Mark gets a soda, because he doesn't like coffee.

*  
Hassan also speaks Arabic, because his family is from Lebanon, and French, a bit, for the same reason, and he can read German, and he really wants to study Coptic, but so far he hasn't had any time to fit it in his schedule.

*  
His own eyes are raw and red, and the inside of his nose is dried out and bloody, from plane air, and he looks like crap, and smells even worse, and his hair is probably all fucked up, he's sure of it.

*  
Hassan has day-old stubble, and his hair, while messy, somehow looks perfect.

*  
From Ankara they take an even smaller and scarier plane to Kayseri, and then a van comes to pick them up, with another car for all their stuff.

*  
It is a long drive to the site, and Mark nods off a bunch of times, because he did not sleep super well on the plane. His insides have no idea what time it is.

*  
They have to set up before they can rest, though, and then there will be a party to welcome them, later on.

*  
Mark has a very fancy tent, which pretty much sets itself up, and then he helps out Eli, with his, which is not so fancy.

*  
There is an encampment of actual workers, who go home to their families on Thursdays, and come back on Saturdays.

*  
The nearest town is an hour away, where there is a hammam and a shop.

*  
They can buy watery beer and excellent cigarettes in town, where they will go once a week, on their day off.

*  
Mark goes into his fancy tent and sits down. This is maybe the longest he has gone without his computer, and it makes him antsy. He has the phone, though, if they need him.

*  
No one is supposed to call unless it is really an emergency.

*  
Mark takes his shoes off and lies on top of his top-of-the-line sleeping bag and passes out until long after the sun has set.

*  
When he wakes up, he is basically late to the party, but that is okay with him. He eats some carby stuff and drinks some drinks and talks to people.

*  
It's all kind of a blur, but a nice one. Professor Wilkes-Brown tells everyone to call her Laura and she tells them all about what they'll be doing, and some more about the history of the region.

*  
Everyone is talking to one another, excited, but Mark just feels very tired, and so he tells everyone he's going back to sleep, and no one tries to stop him.

*  
Now would normally be the time of night, sometime past midnight -- when he would start to feel itchy, lonely, curious.

*  
And that would be how he would feel, and he would try really hard to ignore it, although, truth be told, maybe not as hard as he should, and pull out his laptop, or his iPhone, or his iPad, and skulk around.

*  
Mark has never hated the internet so much in his entire life.

*  
Like, Mark really fucking hates the internet.

*  
Because he takes it for granted that everyone will be on facebook, these days. His fucking Mom is on facebook. His Aunt Sylvia is on facebook.

*  
 _Women over fifty are a huge growth demographic,_ is what Randi says, perkily.

*  
Eduardo Saverin was not on facebook for so long. There were only two pictures of him anywhere, circulating in public.

*  
He heard that actor, the one who played him in that weird movie, talking about there only being the two pictures.

*  
Even Mark didn't have any pictures, of Eduardo.

*  
So now that there are so fucking many of them -- his life laid out, totally on display for everyone and their mother to look at -- it is just really hard (as he tells Theresa really hard) not to look.

*  
Out here in Anatolia, where there is no real bathroom, and no light, at night, Mark is unable to get on the internet and prowl around.

*  
The man he's with, Peter, is like Eduardo used to be. There's not a lot out there about him. He went to Cambridge. He works for a bank. He always has his stupid hand on Eduardo's back and he makes this stupid smirky face at the camera.

*  
Mark can hear music and laughter, from outside the tent, and without headphones in his ears (because there is nowhere to charge anything, even the flashlight he has is crank-operated, as is the battery for the phone), it takes him a long time to sleep, because it is honestly, hard to fall asleep when you are angry.

*  
By the end of the first week it is easier.

*  
Archaeology is simultaneously really fucking interesting and incredibly fucking tedious.

*  
He spends a lot of time hunched over in the dirt.

*  
It's not like actual labor, like the digging the real workers do.

*  
There are all these tools, some of them exactly like the ones dentists use.

*  
He is always dusty, and hot, and his nose is getting sunburned.

*  
He commiserates with Eli, who is pasty like him.

*  
Preeti doesn't even bother putting on sunscreen, because she's so dark, and Mark wishes he didn't have to, either, because it always gets in his eyes when he sweats, and then it stings like a motherfucker.

*  
He has a bunch of blisters, and his hands are sore, and his joints hurt.

*  
At night everyone sits around a fire and drinks crappy beer, and people talk and tell stories.

*  
Mark was right about Karl, who is a stoner from way back when and has a buttload of crazy stories to tell. Laura, the professor, who he still doesn't feel comfortable calling that, also has stories, about her earliest fieldwork, about cultural encounters gone awry.

*  
Mark listens intently.

*  
For most of his life he has always been convinced that everyone except him is speaking a different language.

*  
That is what a lot of Laura's stories sound like.

*  
Anna talks a lot, too. She knows a whole lot of things, she's smart.

*  
She's bossy, though, in that way that bugs him.

*  
She comes and hovers over him and Preeti like she's in charge, and Preeti will stick her tongue out at her, when she leaves.

*  
They are both very slow.

*  
Robert and Susan work together, and sit together, her between his legs, in front of the fire at night.

*  
It gets cold at night, in the desert.

*  
Mark feels slightly less anxious.

*  
There is no internet, so there are no pictures.

*  
Unfortunately, there are always going to be pictures in his stupid mind.

*  
He stares at the flickering flame of the fire and thinks about kissing Eduardo, still, over a year later, over a decade later.

*  
Mark really missed kissing Eduardo, and he was really glad to get to do it again.

*  
There is still a big part of him that hopes Eduardo will change his mind once more.

*  
Even just for a little while.

*  
That is definitely a fucked up thing to think.

*  
Theresa told him he should journal, for the ten weeks they're apart, every day, so when he starts to feel sad and queasy, he ducks into his tent, which is kind of like a coffin but also kind of cozy, and he'll write in his notebook, by a circle of light from his flashlight, which he will have to crank fifty times whenever it starts to dim.

*  
He fills up a lot of pages.

*  
By the second week he is thinking he should have brought another notebook.

*  
By the third week he is brown since the fine layer of dirt covering him is sandy colored. He is not the color Preeti is. He decides he is about the color Hassan is.

*  
He is a very nice color.

*  
Especially the back of his neck, where he is pinky-tan, from bending over.

*  
Sometimes the neck of his shirt will hang low and Mark can see where he is not so tan, paler, though not, of course, as pale as him.

*  
No one but Eli is as pale as him.

*  
They have to share the SPF 60+.

*  
Sometimes Eli will put this white zinc oxide on his nose, and he tries to get Mark to use it, too.

*  
He has always refused, even though he probably should.

*  
He has a very strong suspicion that he will look pretty stupid with that on his nose.

*  
Mark does not know why he is suddenly worried about looking stupid in front of everybody.

*  
He doesn't know why at all, but he does know that his nose gets badly burned, twice, and starts to peel.

*  
It hurts really fucking bad.

*  
He has already read all of his books, and Eli's books (terrible scifi) and Preeti's books (fiction, all of them, which he did not really enjoy, because he doesn't see the point of made-up-stories) and has heard all of Karl's stories three times so he is going stir-crazy.

*  
He sometimes wakes up, in the middle of the night, because his fingers are trying to type as he sleeps.

*  
His hands are still not convinced about working with tools.

*  
He is bone tired from the sunshine and the work, so he falls asleep faster than he did a while back.

*  
Without the internet, even stooped over a ditch nine hours a day, Mark suddenly has a whole lot of time to fill.

*  
He bought a second notebook, when they went into town.

*  
The girls went to the baths for women and the guys went to the baths for men and Mark got clean, for the first time in a while, and had his body bent and his joints popped by a man who walked on his back in a room of humid, drippy, tile.

*  
Mark has always liked steam a lot.

*  
He is pasty, though, like Eli, and he is maybe not as scrawny as he once was, but he's not exactly filling out his t-shirt.

*  
When they were in the steam room Mark asked Hassan if he had anything to read, which is how he has ended up here, in his tent, looking at his books.

*  
Hassan has academic stuff full of diagrams, a book by Bourdieu and one about Byzantine Christianity, a book by Orhan Pamuk, and some poetry by Rumi. He says Mark can borrow any of them, if he wants to.

*  
He and Laura share a workspace, so their tent is a lot bigger than Mark's.

*  
He takes the novel and one of the academic books.

*  
He leaves the poetry alone, and goes to read, somewhere shady.

*  
Later that afternoon everyone has coffee, except for Mark, who drinks mint tea so sugary it makes his tongue feel fuzzy.

*  
Drinking boiling hot tea when it is a hundred degrees in the shade is scientifically validated, of course, as it makes you sweat and sweat cools you, but most afternoons Mark would throttle someone for a Big Gulp.

*  
Or a Slurpee.

*  
Or a Matcha Green Tea Blast from Jamba Juice.

*  
Or a milkshake.

*  
Or a soda.

*  
When they go into the village and everyone gets beer or wine, all Mark ever wants is a Coke.

*  
Everyone finds this amusing, but he doesn't even care.

*  
It's not even cold.

*  
But it's the highlight of his week, usually, these two or three sodas drank at a long table full of people, in varying degrees of suntan or sunburn, eating olives and flatbread and fruit and sitting in chairs for a while.

*  
Mark still misses his laptop, but he is having a pretty good time, actually, without the internet.

*  
Hassan wears beige cargo pants and dusty workboots and a black t-shirt.

*  
Mark is not sure if he owns any other t-shirts, or, if he has been wearing the same shirt for three weeks straight.

*  
Mark seems to remember that when they went into town, the first week, he had on a different shirt, with buttons, but it was still black.

*  
At night, when they are drinking cognac around the fire, stirring up the sparks with sticks, when it is cold, at night, Mark will wear one of his hoodies.

*  
Hassan also wears a hoodie at night. It is black, with one of the sides of the front pocket starting to peel away.

*  
It is one night when everyone is sitting around a fire, complaining about their blisters, getting excited about the travel part of the trip, that Hassan, who is wearing his black hooded Wu-Tang sweatshirt and drinking a beer, looks at Mark sidelong and smiles at him, and Mark spends the rest of the evening and at least two hours the next day trying to figure out what color his eyes are.

*  
He returns the novel, and they talk about it a little bit.

*  
Mark doesn't love fiction, it must be said.

*  
Mark decides that his eyes are blue, with hazel-brown flecks in them.

*  
He takes the book about Byzantium and reads that in three nights.

*  
He is still wary, it has to be said, of the poetry.

*  
Eli and Karl and him are working at one of the tables, cataloging things, when Hassan comes over to check on their work, leaning over Mark's shoulder to look at the numbers he is writing, to mark coordinates.

*  
Anna and Zeke have started hooking up, and Preeti says _maybe now she's getting some she'll mellow, yeah?_ and Mark shrugs.

*  
At night by the fire they all pass around a joint, Laura included.

*  
Archaeologists party harder than Sean, even, because they are _hardcore._

*  
They don't get bottle service, but it's, frankly, a whole lot more fun.

*  
Mark and Sean go out sometimes, though, because even if Sean is kind of massive tool, he is still Mark's favorite person to go out with.

*  
He is sure as fuck not going out with his sister, because that is weird.

*  
Chris and his Sean don't go out so much, anymore. Chris is so fucking busy, flying back and forth. Clare was good for that, but with the baby, not so much.

*  
When Eduardo said _I'm going back to New York_ he had tried, very hard, to make the case for doing it long-distance.

*  
Which Eduardo did not want to do.

*  
That also fucking pissed Mark off, because he had been doing his own long-distance thing with that other guy, that Peter Andrews guy.

*  
Which means it was not the distance that was the problem.

*  
It was _Mark_ that was the problem.

*  
So, yeah, he goes out, with Sean, who is always hovering halfway between total tool and totally awesome, and going out with him is a whole lot better than going out alone.

*  
Sean is a good wingman, it must be said.

*  
They go out in the city, or San Jose, not in Palo Alto and not in Menlo Park, because Mark does not like to fraternize like _that_ with his employees.

*  
People know, but he's not appearing on the cover of the _Advocate_ , or whatever, like Chris.

*  
(Good on him, of course.)

*  
So, yeah, he goes out and hooks up with people, sometimes, but it's not like that big a deal.

*  
He has not slept with anyone since Eduardo, though.

*  
Like, he is not a fucking saint okay?

*  
And in between the many times that Eduardo was almost but not quite there, he would go out, on occasion, and make out against a bar.

*  
But nothing bad, nothing _compulsive._

*  
He sometimes thinks they end up going out merely so that Sean can hone in on the two straight girls who are there, whether to prey on their insecurities, or shock them that he swings that way.

*  
Sean skews young, though, which does make Mark uncomfortable.

*  
And Sean never has a girlfriend for more than three weeks at a time.

*  
Mark thinks that being with so many different people, like, not sex, but having to find out stuff about them, and remembering the right stuff about them, has got to be really hard.

*  
Which is actually why being on the dig is nice.

*  
It's like Dworkin, or the early days at the Palo Alto house.

*  
It's like, a lot of people who are focused and passionate and determined and curious making something happen, and living in close proximity.

*  
And in is in circumstances like that -- no more than a dozen people, a group just big enough but not too big, not big enough to separate into strata like - well, like rock, actually -- that Mark feels much more comfortable.

*  
He feels very comfortable, because it is just these people, who have been working shoulder to shoulder all day and then are hanging out, drinking shitty beer and passing around a joint, and, weirdly, it feels like the beginning of facebook, and that makes him smile.

*  
"Oh my God," Preeti says, poking him in the ribs, "do that again."

"Shut up," he says back, but he feels really light, and floaty, and like he can see a shitload of stars and it's insane to be smiling, but yeah, he is smiling.

*  
He does end up borrowing the book of poems, which Hassan presses into his hand one afternoon during their break time, when the sun is scorching overhead.

*  
Mark has always been a very fast reader.

*  
Really fast.

*  
This does not go so fast, though, because it is very different.

*  
It is kind of like listening to a conversation in a foreign language and listening for the words you think you know.

*  
It takes concentration to read poems.

*  
So when they are sitting around the fire, one night, drinking some more shitty beer and smoking some more excellent hash, and is is Thursday, which means that Hassan has a six-day growth of dark beard (Fridays are when they go to the hammam and get shaved, all the men, except Karl, who has a beard), because he has really, really dark hair, and really dark eyebrows, and incredibly dark eyelashes.

*  
Whereas Mark, by day six, still looks no better than a fuzzy chick.

*  
He tried, this one time, to grow a beard, and Clare made him shave it, after Dustin called him _chin pubes_ \-- and eyes that look like he has on makeup or something, looks over at Mark and says, "You finished with that book yet?" and laughs, with his very white teeth when Mark says, "No, man, it's taking me forever."

*  
He has really nice teeth for someone who likes candy.

*  
Mark knows this, because Preeti sold him out, and told Hassan about his secret American candy stash, and since then he has been in Mark's tent like, four times a week.

*  
Everything else Mark will share.

*  
He makes sure there is always extra beer and bottles of water and cigarettes, just in case someone runs out.

*  
Mark does not even smoke.

*  
So he was pissed at Preeti, because he figured there would be a flood of people trying to make off with his Jolly Ranchers (some of which have melted in the heat, into deformed shapes), but that is actually not the case.

*  
No one else asks him about the candy.

*  
Anna and Zeke are totally hooking up, and kiss by the fireside at night, now, and Susan and Robert smile at them, and hold hands, like old married people.

*  
By about the fifteenth time Hassan is in his tent, hitting him up for a sugar fix, Mark starts to think maybe he has been set up.

The fifth Friday they are there they go into the bigger town, an hour and a half away, because there is talk of dancing and a restaurant and local experience so they ride in two white vans to the bigger town, and go to the hammam there, to get clean, and then everyone goes out, to a restaurant with vinyl tablecloths and plastic flowers in Coke bottles, and Mark realizes that while he does not like vacations, like most people do -- where you lie on a beach and read something dumb and look at people more attractive than you -- he likes this.

*  
There is a shitload of food, and even more wine.

*  
At some point there is folk dancing.

*  
Mark is so drunk that he actually drinks coffee, when they are done with dinner, because he thinks without the caffeine he will have to spend the night in the van while they all go out dancing.

*  
It doesn't sound like a bad idea, actually.

*  
Dancing, though, in Kayseri province, is definitely nothing like San Francisco.

*  
It's like 1984 in there, and absolutely no one looks cool.

*  
And no one gives a shit.

*  
There are coaxing attempts made for Mark to dance, though, which he still will not do.

*  
"I should take you to a hip-hop club," Hassan says, over the terrible Eurotrash dance music.

"A what?" Mark says, because it is loud, and smoky -- so smoky -- that he could live without, actually, and his eyes start watering, and he starts coughing and he thinks he might be ill, so he goes outside, where it is cooler and he can catch his breath.

*  
It is when he is outside, hands shoved in his pockets, leaning against the van, that Hassan comes over and slides open the passenger-seat side and says, "get your ass in the car, Zuckerberg."

Mark hesitates for a second, because he is not quite sure if he has done something wrong.

*  
Hassan sits next to him on the seat and slams the door and says, "okay, seriously?" and he says, "what, seriously?"

*  
"Are you the single most oblivious person ever to exist, like, ever?"

*  
"Am I what?"

*  
"Seriously, Mark?"

*  
"What?"

*  
"Nothing, forget it."

*  
"Oh, okay."

*  
"Wow, yeah, no, you just are that oblivious."

*  
And then he puts his hand on Mark's knee and says, "fuck it, whatever," and kisses him.

*  
Mark of course, splutters because he is totally surprised.

*  
Or not, entirely, surprised.

*  
Or, it must be said, totally indignant.

*  
He has, of course, totally been set up.

*  
But unlike all the _nice Jewish boys_ his mother wants to introduce him to and the _smoking hot new intern for Places_ Sean knows or the endless supply of friends Clare and Dustin and Chris and Sean and Randi keep producing, where he has to fucking call someone and meet someone and go on stupid dates with someone, this, as far as a set-up goes, is really, not all that bad.

*  
He smells winey, sweaty, and he kisses Mark for what feels like a long, long time.

*  
When he pulls back he wipes his hand with the back of his mouth, and then opens the door and hops out.

*  
He has weirdly long arms.

*  
He ducks his head back in, though, and smiles, with those super white, super straight teeth.

*  
He probably totally had braces, with teeth like that.

*  
Mark is still pretty stunned.

*  
"Come have a drink," he says, "I promise I will never try to make you dance again. Well," and there is a pause, "not to that shit, anyways."

*  
And then he goes back inside.

*  
He waits a little while.

*  
When he does go back in, Preeti gives him finger guns, though, and then a double thumbs-up.

*  
He flips her the bird.

*  
No one makes him dance, though, which is good.

*  
Zeke thinks he can grind, which is totally embarassing.

*  
What is nice, though, is that no one else who is there seems to care.

*  
It's just a Friday night in a small town where he is a visitor, and he's not expected to pick up on most things.

*  
Granted.

*  
He probably should have picked up on that.

*  
Mark has, it must be said, a whole hell of a lot of input.

*  
And for all that he knows he is a _genius_ and a _revolutionary_ and a _forward-thinker_ and a _visionary_ and all that shit.

*  
He very often fails to see what is right in front of him.

*  
Like, under his fucking nose.

*  
Oh, Jesus.

*  
 _Jesus._

*  
He feels epically dumb, but then he is having to do shots with locals and eat some sort of pizza-lamby thing and then having more coffee forced upon him and then being bundled into the car, for a long bumpy ride home, he feels maybe less dumb.

*  
They sit next to one another, on the ride back to their encampment, and their legs press together, and after they are on an open, not so bumpy road, Hassan puts his arm around Mark's shoulders.

*  
He keeps it there until they get back, really late, or perhaps very early.

*  
Other people peel off to their tents and he catches the sleeve of Hassan's one, lone, button-down shirt between his thumb and forefinger and says, "I finished that book, finally."

*  
That sounds so lame.

*  
So lame.

*  
But Hassan smiles, and it is maybe too dark to see his teeth, but Mark kind of imagines that he can and he says, "Should I come get it tonight?"

*  
"Okay," he says.

*  
"Cool."

*  
He waits for a little while, in the darkness, with a hand behind his head.

*  
He actually drifts off to sleep, for a little while.

*  
The zipper opening wakes him up.

*  
He is in his sleeping bag, and his legs feel clammy hot.

*  
His face also feels hot when he unzips the side of the sleeping bag and gets in next to Mark.

*  
They make double-sized sleeping bags, but Mark just has a regular one.

*  
He has not ever dated anyone long enough to go camping with someone else and want to share a sleeping bag.

*  
There is a lot of kissing, though, sleepy kissing and not much else, because even though it is incredible, they are both really wasted, and really tired.

*  
And they have to be very quiet, as the night inches into dawn.

*  
They just touch one another, the rhythmic rustle of the sleeping bag loud like an echo in the empty gray of morning.

*  
They fall asleep tangled up, like that, and they wake up, like that, excruciatingly hungover, to boot.

*  
Mark's head is killing him.

*  
It is bright outside.

*  
And when they come into the communal breakfast space, together, it is Karl, of course, who is the first to say, "Called it."

*  
Now, of course, Mark feels even stupider.

*  
But everyone knows, and everyone thinks it's awesome, and they make jokes but no one asks him anything, anything at all, about his feelings.

*  
And, it's so weird.

*  
So weird.

*  
Because now that he is not always talking, all the time, about the feelings, he is kind of like -- _feeling_ them?

*  
"Are you high?" Preeti asks. "Are you holding out on me?"

*  
"Shut up," he says, passing her the Twizzlers.

*  
It is nice, though, that everyone knows.

*  
Because now at night, around the fire, they get to sit like Susan and Robert, or Zeke and Anna.

*  
Mark always blushes, if they are caught kissing by someone, especially if it is Laura, who is Hassan's advisor and like, won't he get in trouble for that? Isn't Mark, like, technically, a student?

*  
"You're older than me," he says, four nights before they are due to leave, in Mark's tent, doing what they always do, just this, as quietly as possible.

*  
They try to be quiet, because Mark does not want everyone to hear him when he has an orgasm.

*  
They kiss through it, usually.

*  
"Did you seriously, not get it when I gave you this?" he asks Mark, holding up the Rumi.

*  
"I don't know," he says, and he's being honest.

*  
Mark has so much input.

*  
Like, all of the input.

*  
He just needs the right algorithm.

*  
He kind of tries to explain this, like he has tried to explain it, before.

*  
"I don't give a shit," Hassan says, "come over here."

*  
He cannot read Persian, either.

*  
Languages, Mark thinks, is exactly what programming is.

*  
It's all just code.

*  
This is the kind of stuff they talk about, at night, when they have had dinner with everyone and wine with everyone and sat around the fire with cognac and spliffs and everyone said what they wanted to see most, the next two weeks, or, for after that, what they wanted to eat, as soon as they got home, or who they wanted to see.

*  
Mark has a plan to go to In-and-Out, or perhaps Del Taco.

*  
He misses Mexican food, and beer that doesn't taste like camel piss, and he would maybe, quite possibly kill someone for a plate of crispy orange chicken and a Sprite with ice.

*  
"Is there ice in Istanbul?" he asks, later, curled up in the sleeping bag.

*  
They have zipped their two sleeping bags together, so for the last two nights that is how they sleep.

*  
It is much roomier.

*  
Mark thinks, actually, that he almost liked it better, before.

*  
"I almost failed out of grad school," he tells Mark, when they are lying side by side, "because of fucking facebook, you know that?"

*  
He is three years younger than Mark is.

*  
Twenty-seven.

*  
He looks young but he has a life that has been crazy.

*  
Crazy in a way Mark cannot even begin to imagine.

*  
His family came over, during the civil war, and went to Michigan.

*  
He has six siblings.

*  
 _Six._

*  
He put himself through community college for two years and got a transfer scholarship to Michigan where he graduated with honors and then got an offer at Berkeley, for a doctorate.

*  
He likes West Coast rap, and burritos, is what he says, when Mark asks _why California?_

*  
He is smart, Mark can tell, though he has literally, no idea what half the words he uses means, words like _deconstruction_ and _habitus_ and _governmentality,_ words he does not use, with Mark, but will at lunch or dinner, talking to Zeke and Eli and Laura and Anna.

*  
Mark is sure they are talking in code.

*  
"It's all made-up bullshit," he tells Mark, the next day during the afternoon break, which, for the last week has really meant break to make out in Mark's tent and Mark says "What is?" and he says "Academic jargon."

*  
Mark thinks, to himself, that there are enough complicated words without making more up.

*  
But whatever.

*  
There is a lot of kissing, and a lot of touching, and Mark has never kissed someone with so much stubble, before, and now he unequivocally refuses to put the zinc oxide on his nose, because he does not want to look stupid, like Eli.

*  
His nose is peeling and he has some kind of rash thing on his neck and sides of his face.

*  
When Anna starts pestering him, Hassan says, "It's just heat rash, right, Mark?"

*  
When he says that, his cheeks probably turn red, too. He can feel himself blush.

*  
It has to be said.

*  
Things can be a whole lot of fun.

*  
If you're not, always, on the internet.


	2. Chapter 2

*  
Things are winding down.

*  
Laura is staying, up to the end of summer.

*  
There will be more graduate students coming to take over from her, when she goes back for fall term.

*  
However, for the two weeks of travel, she will not be with them.

*  
Hassan will be in charge of the group, and Mark is worried that they will not get to be alone.

*  
He likes everyone, for the most part.

*  
They are weird in different ways, but all okay.

*  
He would rather that they get to be alone, however.

*  
And they are going to Izmir, where there are sites of historical interest and lots of cool ruins but also the beach.

*  
Mark _hates_ the beach.

*  
He will go, but he burns, and he gets real heat rash -- not what Hassan tells everyone is heat rash but which is like, stubble burn and surely people know that by now? -- but he really is not looking forward to the beach.

*  
He keeps that to himself.

*  
He sleeps next to Hassan every night, and it is nice to be able to sleep, and even nicer not to be looking on the internet.

*  
When they are talking at night, everyone, around the fire, talking about going home Mark is, as he often is, thinking about facebook.

*  
Dustin has not called, so he assumes stuff is fine.

*  
He is looking forward to going to a city with an internet cafe, and checking in on things.

*  
It's been good, however, to get away.

*  
He hasn't taken many vacations over the years.

*  
Things with friends, and one time his family rented a house out on the Cape for a few weeks, and he went, but he had his laptop, and he checked in at work, all the time.

*  
This trip was much better.

*  
Obviously.

*  
On their next-to-last night there is a farewell party, which all the local workers attend, some of them with their families.

*  
Everyone gets really drunk.

*  
So drunk.

*  
There may have been singing, at some point, which, Mark knows, is a sure indication that people are shit-hammered.

*  
He has never eaten so much lamb in his life.

*  
There is a lot of toasting, and drunken speechifying, and heartfelt feelings, and boisterous enthusiasm, and stumbling, and some falling down.

*  
Hassan comes to his tent, but they don't do anything but make out, sloppily.

*  
Sex can make you really dizzy, when you are drunk.

*  
And they have not, yet, had _sex_ sex.

*  
He sort of doesn't want to be drunk, when that happens.

*  
But he thinks maybe he should get a little bit drunk.

*  
It has been a while.

*  
Over a year a while.  
*  
And the last person he did it with, Eduardo, left.

*  
He wakes up the next day hoping that he did not say those things, drunkenly, by mistake.

*  
He would rather no one know about that but him.

*  
Because that is unbelievably stupid.

*  
Like, even his therapist, whose vacation home in Tahoe he probably paid for with all their sessions about impulse control told him it would be a good idea.

*  
He has met people, there have been people, in the years, between Eduardo the first time and Eduardo the second time, both of which lasted for like five fucking minutes and are bracketed by hurt, on either side.

*  
Some drunken nights Mark has said this, pretty much, because everyone has spent the evening talking about love, or their first kiss, or the person who broke their heart.

*  
It's a stupid fucking metaphor, the heart.

*  
The kidneys, maybe, or the liver.

*  
Or skin.

*  
That's, like, a much better metaphor for love.

*  
Mark does not understand poetry, he thinks, because he just does not see the point of metaphors.

*  
"Cultures are defined by the metaphors they use," Hassan says, "so as social creatures, it's only natural that we should come to embody these physiological metaphors, right?"

"Did you just make that up?"

"I read it in a book, which means it is beyond dispute."

"It doesn't make any sense, though."

"Of course it doesn't. Few things do."

"Why can't you call a thing what it is?"

"Levi-Strauss said that metaphors are organizing principles through which we understand social structure."

"You're totally making this up."

"I'll show you the book," he says, "when we're in California."

*  
That, right there, is not a metaphor.

*  
That, right there, is a _hint._

*  
The night before they leave is both happy and sad.

*  
It is quiet, just the core group around the fire, and it is like it always has been, but now it is not going to be like that, anymore.

*  
Laura hugs everyone goodbye, in the morning, when the van comes to take them, just as they arrived.

*  
Travel around Turkey is best by bus.

*  
The buses are nice.

*  
They have fans, which is amazing and cracked-open windows that let in breezes and that is also incredible.

*  
Mark is going to miss Kayseri Province, and afternoon breaks, and mint tea being forced on him from all sides.

*  
"You have at least two weeks of the last one left, you know," Hassan says, looking over Mark's shoulder out the window, where everything is moving in a brown blur.

*  
Hassan is right about that.

*  
He has never drank so much fucking tea in all his goddamned life.

*  
He did not know there were so many ways to eat pistachios in honey-soaked dough.

*  
Mark may actually be sick of sugar.

*  
Everyone is feeding them.

*  
Hassan has friends in the field, sociocultural and linguistic anthropologists, or people who do urban archaeology.

*  
And all those people have networks of friends, and informants, and casual acquaintances, who want to meet them, and feed them, and make them drink more mint tea.

*  
Mark is tired.

*  
It is very social.

*  
And they have not done _it_ , yet.

*  
Still.

*  
In Ankara he checked in with facebook -- a long chat session with Dustin who says that everything is under control and tells him that Max is starting to walk up steps, which is straight up mental.

*  
Then he went into a pharmacy and bought condoms.

*  
Which was awful, and unfamiliar.

*  
Unfamiliar not just because it is a foreign country.

*  
It's been since Eduardo that he's bought condoms.

*  
A giant fucking box of them, then, because there were seriously, like, eight years of sex-with-Eduardo to catch up on, and Eduardo looked perfect, even more perfect than before.

*  
He has crazy sexy legs now.

*  
And triceps.

*  
Like, the _nicest_ triceps.

*  
Eduardo did a bunch of yoga, at first around the Palo Alto house, and then, later on, he would go out, saying _"I'm going to a class, be back in a few hours,"_ and Mark remembers asking if he needed to come to yoga and Eduardo saying, _"Don't you have to do facebook stuff?"_ and him saying, _"It can wait."_

*  
He went once, but he didn't like it.

*  
He thinks he may have let a fart escape at one point.

*  
But he can take time away from facebook.

*  
He pays people to worry for him, it is true.

*  
But it is still the most important thing in his life.

*  
So he checks in first, at facebook, and then with Randi, and then with his mom, and then reads a shitload of emails.

*  
He surfs online, a little, and yes, he looks at facebook, a little.

*  
He looks at the new profile pictures for one Eduardo Saverin -- which are only slightly less annoying, because Eduardo still has no business looking like that, really.

*  
However, _Hassan Chamoun_ also has a facebook page.

*  
Which, okay, he maybe snoops around in a little bit.

*  
But normal-level snooping.

*  
Like, just to find out what he looks like when he's not in the middle of the desert.

*  
He looks pretty nice.

*  
Cleaner, of course.

*  
Still stubbly.

*  
He is smiling in every single picture that Mark can find.

*  
He has like, a super nice smile.

*  
And then he Xs out of all his open windows, and clears the cache, and the browser history, and restarts the machine and pays his bill.

*  
The condoms have been with him since Ankara, where they, as a group, saw history that ranged from the Hittites to the present-day.

*  
Mark likes the layers of history, more than anything.

*  
He is fascinated by old stuff, not just things that predate the colonization of the New World, but all these remnants of antiquity.

*  
Just the _solidity_ of it.

*  
And that it's there, and was once something, meaningful.

*  
Ruined cities built on top of one another.

*  
And a lot of mosques.

*  
Which, now, in Izmir, Mark is kind of over.

*  
They are not all that interesting.

*  
He would rather go to twenty mosques a day, though, than go to the stupid beach.

*  
Everyone else is stoked about the beach.

*  
Hassan is so stoked about the beach.

*  
He uses that word, too, which is funny to Mark, for some reason.

*  
He thinks Mark is hilarious.

*  
Mark doesn't even make jokes or anything.

*  
Hassan just says, "You crack me up," and Mark is not sure why.

*  
He knows he is not laughing _at_ him, though, because usually after he laughs he gives Mark a really nice smile and then kisses him a bunch.

*  
Hassan has been making sure they that have adjoining rooms, in their hotels, and he touches Mark, in public, because men are friendly with one another in the Middle East.

*  
Still, though, they haven't done it, yet.

*  
So when Hassan puts his arm around Mark's shoulders at someone's house, when they are on their ninetieth cup of tea, and high off sugar or hash or both, Mark does not mind.

*  
That is like, a majorly big deal.

*  
It is different, for Mark.

*  
But they still have not slept together.

*  
Mark worries a little bit that maybe his dick is broken.

*  
Which is ludicrous, it works fine -- like, more than fine.

*  
On the bus rides between cities Hassan will put his hand on Mark's upper thigh and squeeze.

*  
And all the stuff they did in the tent.

*  
Mark knows his equipment is in working order, so to speak.

*  
In Izmir he is still tense about it, and grouchy, too, because everyone else was excited about the beach and he did not want to go.

*  
On the first day he did not go to the beach with everyone.

*  
He did not want to be all pasty and white around everyone.

*  
Okay, maybe not _everyone._

*  
Eli is scrawny in addition to being pasty, and Mark has seen Karl's beer gut, and Zeke has a really hairy back.

*  
It was all very different when there was no electricity, at night, in the darkness.

*  
Or in a bathhouse full of strangers, where your vision is obscured by steam.

*  
Now Mark is worried that he will not look good, once he sees him in broad daylight with no shirt on.

*  
On the second day he shuffles down there, though, and hides with Eli under the rented umbrella.

*  
He keeps his shirt on and he still won't put the zinc on his nose.

*  
He did not want to come to the beach, not really.

*  
However, just because he doesn't look good with his shirt off, doesn't mean other people look bad.

*  
They look really, really, ridiculously good, actually.

*  
There is a lot of history in Izmir, but not a lot that is new.

*  
They haven't done it, yet.

*  
It is not that Mark does not want to have sex.

*  
Mark really wants to have sex.

*  
Especially after three straight days of staring at Hassan's kind of crazy stomach muscles, and his lower back, which is also very nice.

*  
It's probably from all the digging.

*  
He has the tiniest little start of a belly, which Mark finds inexplicably fascinating.

*  
Mark is not really great with compliments.

*  
He does not use words like _handsome_ or _hot._

*  
But boy, he would like to be able to.

*  
Izmir is not his favorite place, despite the fact that Hassan's forearms turn browner, because he has to be shirtless in broad daylight, probably the whitest person on two continents.

*  
Ottoman history is pretty crazy, though.

*  
Ages of empire, holy wars, crusades, overthrow, downfall, decline, ruin.

*  
History is like Hassan's stomach, it is inexplicably fascinating.

*  
Izmir is fine, of course.

*  
He likes all the kefta they eat, outside, under tents or umbrellas, on patios and porches.

*  
It's like being at a barbecue.

*  
 _It's not a barbecue if you just grill stuff,_ Anna (who is from Austin, and therefore is not to be argued with) says, nodding emphatically, _it's just a cookout._

*  
She and Hassan and Zeke talk semantics for a while, and he only pays a little bit of attention.

*  
Mark does not know what they are talking about, and he's only marginally interested in it, but it's cool.

*  
He likes that he is so interested in something.

*  
They talk about things Mark does not understand.

*  
In bed, at night, when Mark can have the lights off, and they curl up next to one another despite being sweaty.

*  
On the bus to Istanbul, which Preeti has been talking about since day one, nonstop, and keeps handing him her guidebook to look at stuff she's circled.

*  
Over mint tea and Turkish coffee, he smiles at Mark and says, "Seriously, I refuse to believe you want to talk about Saussure."

"I don't even know what that is," Mark says.

Hassan laughs and stirs his cup with a tiny spoon.

"What?" Mark says, not sure if he is supposed to be angry.

"You're just the funniest person," he says.

Mark thinks for a minute.

"Is that a good thing?"

He sips his coffee.

"Of course it is," he says, "It's a really good thing."

*  
In Istanbul they stay in the Old City.

*  
The air smells like spices.

*  
They see the Blue Mosque, and Hagia Sophia, and Topkapi, and the great bazaars, and the bridges crossing the Bosphorus, which is the strip of water dividing Europe from Asia.

*  
Hassan and Anna and Zeke talk about _orientalizing discourse_ and _historical imaginaries._

*  
Mark is not paying that much attention to them.

*  
Back in his room, when Hassan's head is on his chest, which is now bare, and even a little pink, still, since he did take his shirt off at the beach, eventually, and turned (predictably) the color of a prawn, he will ask the question he has been turning over and over in his head, all day, like it is a problem to be solved.

*  
Mark is very good at solving problems.

*  
He excels at testing.

*  
He has always been tested.

*  
Since he was little, lots of tests.

*  
Blocks to put in order, shapes to mark with a number two pencil.

*  
Mark has been tested, quite a bit, because he is _gifted_ and _extraordinary_ and _special._

*  
He is not sure how he is doing on this test, though.

*  
Mark does not perform badly on tests, not ever.

*  
He thrives on pressure.

*  
Usually.

*  
He must be breathing heavy or mumbling or something because Hassan lifts his head up, sleepily, and says, "What is it? You've been quiet all day long, Mark."

Mark is quiet for what feels like a long time, but probably isn't more than a minute.

"The Bosphorus Bridge," he says, to the ceiling, "is that a metaphor?"

*  
Hassan says, "Have you been paying attention all this time?" into Mark's neck and Mark says, "Only partially."

*  
Like, he listens to them all talk.

*  
Zeke is pretty okay, and Anna did, in fact, mellow out once she was getting some on a regular basis.

*  
Preeti said, "See, Zuckerberg, I told you so," and then she gave Mark a long look that he could not, for the life of him, interpret.

*  
"Did you seal the deal yet, dude?"

"Since when do you call me dude?"

"Um, since forever?"

*  
Hassan calls him dude once, too, after they have both had orgasms and then he laughs, like, totally randomly, and Hassan says "What's so funny?" and Mark tries to explain.

*  
"You don't get it?"

"I maybe wasn't paying attention. Tell me again."

*  
This is a weird thing for Mark, sometimes.

*  
Because his brain does move kind of fast, okay, that is just how it is.

*  
Processor speed, kind of.

*  
"You should see half the linguistics department, Mark. They are all fucking geniuses but they can't use email, not even kidding. This one member of my committee, seriously, the secretary has to print his emails for him and put them in his office mailbox and then respond for him, no joke."

*  
"There's this one guy, who, I swear, has been wearing the same tie since 1972. Or, oh my God, _math_ professors. They will work on one theorem for like, 40 years, and never brush their hair in that whole time. I think some of them wear velcro shoes."

*  
"You would look really hot in a tweed jacket, though, actually."

*  
He says stuff like this, sometimes in Mark's ear when there are a bunch of people around, and it is like, a secret between the two of them, and that is incredible, although it makes him blush, he can feel it, underneath his sunburn.

*  
But he also just kind of likes to talk.

*  
This whole listening to someone talk about something that isn't, actually, really that interesting to you, but is still, like, interesting?

*  
That is new.

*  
Mark has, of course, been with people.

*  
He is not like, a saint, or a cartoon princess.

*  
Mark has been on a lot of variants of _dinner+movie+sex=dating_ over the years.

*  
Plenty of those.

*  
And Mark is good, you see, at learning stuff, absorbing things, super fast.

*  
Mark taught himself Medieval Gaelic when he was in middle school.

*  
And then Klingon.

*  
And Attic Greek, in high school.

*  
He learned Elvish just to see if he could.

*  
(He could.)

*  
And then it was done, learned, filed, and when no longer necessary, deleted.

*  
Mark does not have an infinite amount of storage.

*  
He can only keep so much in there.

*  
So when he was doing those permutations of _movie+sex+dinner_ , he paid a lot of attention.

*  
And then when it was over, when it ended, it would, in time, be erased.

*  
More or less, of course.

*  
It's not a perfect metaphor.

*  
"This is what you've come up with?"

"Is it not any good?"

"It's a little bleak, I think."

"Do you have a better idea?"

"I have a couple."

*  
The trip is coming to a close, and there is an excitement mixed with sadness among everyone.

*  
Mark is, of course, worried.

*  
In his own way, Mark is worried.

*  
They kind of talk about it.

*  
Enough that Mark is a little less worried, but not, of course, totally.

*  
Because the deal has not yet, so to speak, been sealed.

*  
And Mark feels like a total weirdo.

*  
And dumb for knowing why.

*  
Like, he does not want to have to forget Eduardo, because that doesn't seem right.

*  
And it is not something he wants to have to do.

*  
And, to be honest, he is not entirely sure if he _can._

*  
It feels weird to talk about this with someone who doesn't know him all that well, like Theresa does, like Clare does.

*  
Dustin, too, and Sean.

*  
Like, they all know him, and they understand, and they were there, for most of it.

*  
And they were always asking how he felt, and he told them, enough.

*  
Because they asked, and cared.

*  
Hassan does not have to ask.

*  
Mark just, like, tells him?

*  
And that's incredibly different.

*  
They have had dinner, but not sex sex, and they have not seen any movies together, and Mark is just _telling_ him stuff.

*  
He listens, like it is interesting.

*  
Maybe it is, to him.

*  
And then he puts his arm around Mark and says, "It's still bleak, but it makes more sense now."

"It's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Mark. Don't say that, okay? Like, ever."

"Okay."

*  
He is nice about it.

*  
He takes the group on tours, though, and introduces them to locals, and arranges the transportation everywhere, and does the ordering at dinner for everyone.

*  
Even though Mark can, by now, read the menu, he does not tell anybody.

*  
It is three nights before they are set to fly back via Frankfurt, where they will part ways to their own parts of North America, when it happens.

*  
"I think the bridge was better," he says, because they are standing and looking at the spot where the continents meet, and even though Hassan has talked about _recursive oppositions_ and _shifters_ and _embodied praxis_ and Mark has, literally, no idea what any of this means, and he does not care, one fucking bit.

*  
"I like listening to you talk."

*  
Hassan laughs his very attractive laugh, and Mark feels confused and happy, all at once.

*  
And like maybe there is room for them both, even if the metaphor is -- let's be honest -- hardly worthy of Virgil.

*  
Had there been computers back then, of course.

*  
Someone probably would have used it.

*  
Hassan puts his arm around Mark and they look at the water.

*  
Istanbul is gorgeous.

*  
Hassan is, frankly, also gorgeous.

*  
That is not, in any way, hyperbole.

*  
He says this, also.

*  
And then he says, "Can we go back to the room now?"

*  
They walk.

*  
Up hills and down.

*  
They stop on the way for a drink.

*  
There is some wine, and bread, and candlelight.

*  
It is not fancy; not like a movie.

*  
The air smells like charcoal and exhaust and cigarette smoke.

*  
They get a little drunk.

*  
And when they are a little drunk, but not hammered drunk, Hassan puts his hand on top of Mark's, at the table.

*  
After that, they stop with all the talking.

*  
There was too much fucking talking, anyways.

*  
It is.

*  
In the hotel.

*  
Well.

*  
Seriously?

*  
It is really, pretty much, awesome.

*  
They operate at the same frequency, so to speak.

*  
They do it all of the ways.

*  
Both ways.

*  
A lot of times.

*  
It's different, he reflects, when he goes to take a piss, than it was with Eduardo.

*  
Mark loved having Eduardo underneath him, of course, how could he not?

*  
But Mark did not always want to just do that.

*  
And Eduardo, really, only ever wanted it like that.

*  
Which was fine.

*  
Totally fine.

*  
More than fine.

*  
Wonderful.

*  
Maybe not like this.

*  
This is, quite frankly, amazing.

*  
They do it three times, that night, and then once the next morning.

*  
Mark is trying to make Hassan stay.

*  
They have ended up on the floor, somehow.

*  
"I can't, oh my God, shit shit, shit, I am going to be late, you have made me late, fuck, fuck. I hate you."

*  
Mark can feel his mouth twist up, happy, for two reasons.

*  
One is because he has made Hassan late for a research appointment in the university's archives with his, quite frankly, awesome sex skills.

*  
The other thing is that he knows Hassan doesn't hate him, at all.

*  
Although he says that again, when Mark threatens to come find him in the stacks later.

*  
But he doesn't really mean it.

*  
He throws on a pair of camouflage shorts and grabs his bag and runs out the door in a blur.

*  
Mark feels smug.

*  
Preeti can tell, at breakfast.

*  
She makes a horrible, high-pitched squealing noise, which probably breaks the sound barrier.

*  
The time between breakfast and lunch is interminably long.

*  
Way too long.

*  
And Hassan is supposed to take them to a museum after that.

*  
He puts Anna in charge, even though her Turkish is not as good as it could be.

*  
And then they both miss the museum.

*  
Mark has seen enough history for one trip, he thinks, rubbing his fingers over Hassan's stomach, lazily.

*  
Plenty of history.

*  
Even though there is a computer in the hotel lobby, Mark does not go use it once.

*  
Dustin has the name and number of the hotel, if he needs to get in touch with him.

*  
There is a phone in the room.

*  
Dustin doesn't call.

*  
That night they are late to dinner, as well.

*  
Mark gets marginally drunk.

*  
The next day is hectic.

*  
Too hectic.

*  
They have to pack, and they are meeting everyone for dinner.

*  
Preeti goes off with the marrieds, because Mark has kind of bailed on sightseeing with her.

*  
She assures him that she is not upset.

*  
He would be perfectly happy staying in the bedroom, but Hassan wants to go out, for a while.

*  
They go to the hammam.

*  
That was Hassan's idea.

*  
Mark wonders if he is psychic.

*  
They get a private room, after they sweat themselves light-headed.

*  
And then Mark is lightheaded some more.

*  
Because they are both really sweaty, and water drips off the tiles, echoing against the walls.

*  
There they don't have sex, totally.

*  
Mark thinks that next time he will bring the condoms.

*  
Of course, he does not know when he will be in Turkey again.

*  
He would definitely like to come back, though.

*  
On the way back to the hotel, the rug sellers are out in force, as they always are, shouting the few words in Russian or Hebrew that they know.

*  
Mark is very pale.

*  
And/or pink.

*  
He looks like a tourist.

*  
Hassan does not.

*  
He keeps walking, dismissing the sellers with a wave of his hand.

*  
Mark normally looks down at his feet, when people are trying to sell him something, or to get him to sign something.

*  
In Turkey he looks at Hassan's feet sometimes, instead of his own.

*  
He wears those flip flops made of leather, and they are really worn down.

*  
Mark knows that he has like, basically no money.

*  
He earns, as an advanced graduate student, twenty-two thousand dollars a year.

*  
Before taxes.

*  
Mark probably pays that in energy bills for the office every month.

*  
He could feel bad about this.

*  
Not that feeling bad will make him feel any better.

*  
It never does, honestly.

*  
On the way back to the hotel Mark stops, while they are walking past all the shop windows, and Hassan has to double back and say, "What's up?"

*  
"I think I want to buy a rug."

"Really?"

"Will they ship it? They can do that, right?"

"Of course. Really?"

"Yeah, c'mon, let's go look at rugs."

*  
Hassan does the talking, and the bartering.

*  
Mark, of course, pays.

*  
He gets three rugs, in all, which he charges.

*  
One goes to the Palo Alto house.

*  
One goes to his place in the city.

*  
One goes to the East Bay, to Oakland.

*  
They go eat lunch, in the shade, for Mark's sake.

*  
Then they go to the Archaeological Museums, which they have seen once before, but now they go again, just the two of them.

*  
They are great museums.

*  
Mark has never liked books, because he does not like stories that are made up, stories that are not real.

*  
When he looks at old things, grave markers, though, or fragments of pottery, or sculpture, or columns from buildings long since gone -- then, weirdly, Mark understands why people might like to read stories.

*  
There is a story in every sarcophagus, of a person who once was alive, and did all the things that living entailed.

*  
Then they leave, to go to the hotel and shower, though they stop for coffee and pastries, on the way.

*  
And they do it in the shower.

*  
And then when they are dried off, they do it again.

*  
Which means they have to take another shower.

*  
They are even later for dinner.

*  
And they still haven't packed, even though their flight leaves in the morning.

*  
"Are you awake?"

"Not really."

"Do we have to go to Germany?"

"Just for the layover."

"No, I mean -- can't we just like, stay here? Or go somewhere else?"

"The hell?"

"Like, fly to Venice, or, I don't know, take the ferry to Odessa or something."

"Odessa?"

"It's a famous port on the Black Sea..."

"I know what it is."

*

Even after the really long and busy day that they have had, Mark does not want to go to sleep.

*  
His brain is going, even though his body is very tired.

*  
That is how it usually is.

*  
Hassan sleeps on his stomach, an arm flung out over Mark's torso.

*  
Even though he is asleep, Mark rubs his fingers over his arm.

*  
He stares at the ceiling, which he cannot actually see, because the room is dark.

*  
He has always had a hard time shutting [OFF].

*  
Working until he is exhausted means he can crash and just be [OFF] for a little while.

*  
He gets so overstimulated, trying to process everything.

*  
Which is why it is always just easier to focus on a few things.

*  
Otherwise his brain will just pop or something.

*  
Mark liked the museums.

*  
He had a good time, on the dig.

*  
Being away from his computer was good.

*  
He is worried what will happen when he is working, again, in front of his desk for ten or fourteen hours at a stretch.

*  
It's so easy, with it all right there.

*  
Hassan knows, kind of, about Eduardo, because Mark tried to explain the thing, to him, about skin and scars.

*  
Hassan has always been really nice, about the whole thing.

*  
Mark knows that it is not nice to talk about former sex partners with current ones.

*  
But this is not just about sex.

*  
Like, even Mark has figured that out, even if he is a little dense sometimes.

*  
He knows that they like one another, and he hopes that they will keep liking one another once they are back in California.

*  
Mark has not told anyone about Hassan, yet, not anyone back in California.

*  
He is not doing anything wrong, of course.

*  
They all want him to move on, as they say.

*  
They would love Hassan, of course, if only because Mark was finally moving on.

*  
And then they would try to ask him about them, and what they were doing, and what it meant, and _are you okay with that?_

*  
So he probably won't say anything, not quite yet, until he can see.

*  
But they have been friends for ten weeks and Mark thinks that is a pretty good foundation.

*  
He falls asleep to the sounds of birdsong and backfiring mufflers.


	3. Chapter 3

*  
The morning is absolute chaos.

*  
They have some more sex, which was a mistake, since they still haven't packed their stuff.

*  
They haven't even separated their stuff.

*  
It is all over the place.

*  
"Fuck, okay, look, just grab whatever and shove it in your bag, and I'll grab whatever and shove it in mine and we'll just, like, deal with it later, okay? Fuck, the van is going to be here in twenty minutes. I need a coffee. Fuck."

*  
A lot of luggage and van ride and check-in desk later, they are in the lounge waiting for takeoff.

*  
The ride to Frankfurt is bumpy.

*  
Everyone says goodbye again in Frankfurt, since they have different destinations.

*  
Hassan is flying to Oakland, via Chicago.

*  
Mark is flying to San Jose, via Atlanta.

*  
He goes to the ticket counter, where they help him put them on the same flight, to San Francisco.

*  
Business class.

*  
When they land in California, many under-oxygenated hours later, Mark rents them a room in the airport Hilton.

*  
He does not want to go home, just yet.

*  
They order room service, and Mark has a hamburger, and french fries, and two Cokes, with all the ice he could possibly want from the machine down the hall.

*  
They have sex, and then eat snacks from the minibar while they watch tv.

*  
Five minutes of news, and then HBO.

*  
That night, Mark falls asleep first.

*  
He sleeps through the night.

*  
The bed is like, a million times more comfortable than any of the beds in Turkey.

*  
And the pillows.

*  
Dear God, the pillows.

*  
Hassan is watching tv with the sound turned off when Mark blinks himself awake.

*  
It is nice.

*  
"You up?"

"I guess so."

"You sound less than thrilled."

"My brain is confused. What time is it?"

"Like nine?"

"Ugh."

"Do you want to get breakfast?"

"Mm, after."

*  
They get room service, in the end.

*  
And a late checkout.

*  
Mark calls the office.

*  
He tells Dustin that he got in fine, but that he was tired and stayed in the city.

*  
Which is, of course, technically not a lie.

*  
Just because he did not stay at his apartment.

*  
Still, not a lie.

*  
He's just not being completely honest.

*  
It sounds a lot like semantics, actually.

*  
"We still have to deal with all the clothes and books and stuff."

"Shit, you're right."

*  
Mark brings everything back to his, in the end.

*  
They kiss goodbye once in the room, and once in the elevator, and once more, in the lobby.

*  
Mark has a car take him to his San Francisco place, not the Palo Alto house.

*  
Hassan does not drive, so he takes BART back across to the East Bay.

*  
Mark ditches all the bags at his place.

*  
The driver helps him bring everything upstairs.

*  
He kicks the suitcases into the living room.

*  
It smells musty.

*  
There are three cans of soda in the fridge, which have been sitting there for over two months.

*  
He drinks all three of them, one right after the other, as he is driven to his other house.

*  
Dustin said something about dinner later, so Mark texts him.

*  
They will meet him at a restaurant.

*  
He does not want to stay out very late.

*  
He's pretty tired.

*  
Of course, there is the iPad.

*  
And pictures, of course, always pictures.

*  
But there is a lot to look up, too.

*  
Mark bookmarks about a million pages, on Maronite Catholicism and the Lebanese Civil War and Post-Processual Archaeology and downloads books from Amazon on all these topics.

*  
Mark does not want to be ill-informed.

*  
He falls asleep on the couch, maybe as a result of sugar crashing.

*  
Chris always says he's going to induce a diabetic coma one of these days.

*  
There is drool on the arm of the couch when he wakes up.

*  
His neck hurts.

*  
He takes a shower and three ibuprofen.

*  
There are a lot of clothes in his closet, clothes that aren't new, but feel like they might be.

*  
It's a contrast to wearing the same six shirts for ten weeks running.

*  
He drives his car, which also feels new even though he's had it for four years.

*  
Forget millions, billions of dollars.

*  
Mark has this newfound appreciation, after so long away, for _things._

*  
His cell phone is, like, miraculous.

*  
And roads not full of potholes.

*  
Being able to use his credit card wherever he wants.

*  
The drive-through.

*  
Air conditioning.

*  
Ice.

*  
His hands are shaking a little on the steering wheel as he drives downtown to a Greek place they all like.

*  
They always remember not to put pine nuts or sesame seeds on anything, because of Sean.

*  
Sean is the first one to meet him inside of the door, clapping him on the back and into a sideways hug.

*  
They have reserved a private dining room.

*  
Everyone is there: Chris with his Sean; Dustin and Clare and the baby -- who is a lot bigger than Mark remembers; Randi; other Sean -- who hasn't even brought a date.

*  
It's nice.

*  
Kind of overwhelming, though.

*  
He has to keep stopping to explain things, because they don't know any of the people or places that he is talking about.

*  
The food is good, and Mark has two Cokes and three glasses of wine and everyone asks him a lot of questions, and he tells the same stories to different groups of people.

*  
He is pretty tired.

*  
Dustin and Clare have an announcement.

*  
Clare is pregnant again, just past her first trimester.

*  
"You're lucky you missed it, Mark."

"I wasn't that bad this time."

"No, but your food cravings have been super weird."

"Weird how?" he asks.

"Bacon. Ice. Cream," Dustin says, rolling his eyes.

"It's good!" Clare says back.

Max babbles and reaches for Mark's nose.

*  
Mark is happy for them.

*  
He leaves with half hugs, an attempt to pay that Dustin brushes off.

*  
He will stop by the office tomorrow.

*  
His internal clock is still messed up.

*  
He leaves everyone discussing the benefits of melatonin, quietly, because the baby has started to fall asleep.

*  
Mark drives himself home.

*  
He is tired, but wired.

*  
Like he always is.

*  
He has been pretty good, so far, with not getting online.

*  
Mark goes out back, to check on the chickens, who are sleeping.

*  
Hassan once asked if he was planning on getting a goat, next.

*  
"Is that a joke?"

"Goat milk is pretty good."

"You're not lactose-intolerant, are you?"

"Not that I know of."

"I'm still not getting a goat."

"You could make cheese, Mark, and like, sell it at the farmer's market."

"With one goat?"

"That's true, you would need like, a lot more goats."

*  
Sometimes he cannot tell if Hassan is joking or not.

*  
He suspects that might just be his sense of humor, which is weird.

*  
Mark sits by the pool and thinks about Hassan, who is weird in his own way.

*  
And has, seriously, the nicest eyes.

*  
They are just _so nice._

*  
Like, the exact color of the pool.

*  
Pretty much the exact same color.

*  
Mark can see blue, very clearly.

*  
He does not call, but he pulls out his phone and sends a text.

*  
 _I'm going into the office tomorrow morning. Are you free in the afternoon?_

*  
He is inside, looking at his iPad, when he gets a response.

 _*  
I have a meeting with one of my committee members that should be done by three. Send me the address, I'll meet you there?_

*  
Mark reads this message six times, just to make sure that it is real.

*  
Hassan is still talking to him, even though he is back in his regular life, and Mark is back in his.

*  
That makes him happy.

*  
Like, very happy.

*  
Happy enough that he closes facebook, which he has been looking at, comparing Eduardo's beach pictures from Dubai and St. Bart's and Provincetown to his own, where he is lobster-pink and squinting into the camera.

*  
He goes upstairs and gets in bed with the iPad.

*  
His bed feels way too comfortable, and far, far too big.

*  
Everything that he does the next day feels very familiar, but out-of-body, strange.

*

Like he is moving through syrup, or underwater.

*  
He gets up, he swims, he feeds the chickens, he gets dressed, he drives to the Sonic and then to the office.

*  
There are meetings.

*  
Dustin has been doing a good job.

*  
Mark tells him this and Dustin looks happy.

*  
He starts saying stuff about maybe hanging out later, he and Clare would love it if he came over, they are only two episodes into _Dollhouse_ , and he's sure that neither one of them would mind restarting from the beginning, if Mark is into that--

*  
"I'm still pretty tired, maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course, get some rest. Did you get any melatonin?"

*  
He goes to a vitamin store and gets a Cliff bar and some protein powder -- yes, he drinks protein shakes sometimes, there is nothing wrong with that-- and the aforementioned melatonin.

*  
The drive into the city is easy, since it is not rush hour.

*  
He has a parking space that he pays for, two streets over, so he always has a place.

*  
He worries that he is early, so he walks the long way around to the front.

*  
Hassan is already there, sitting on the stoop, reading.

*  
Mark has to stop and look at him, for a second.

*  
He is there, and he is waiting, for Mark.

*  
And concentrating.

*  
He says his name three times before he looks up, because he is reading and has his earbuds in.

*  
"Hey."

"Oh, hey, sorry, sorry."

"What're you reading?"

"Marilyn Strathern."

"Is it any good?"

"It's mostly about yams."

"Yams?"

"Long story. People who work in Papua New Guinea are usually pretty crazy."

"Oh, okay."

"Do you want to get some food?"

"I think we should order in."

*  
They get Thai, a shitload of food.

*  
Mark pays for all of it.

*  
They eat while they watch tv.

*  
"Oh, shit, you have cable? Awesome. Do you have anything on the DVR?"

"Doubtful."

"I'm going to remedy that immediately."

"Right this second?"

"Maybe not right this very second, no."

*  
They don't so much as open the suitcases until the next day.

*  
They do open the windows, after, because it is hot.

*  
Hassan puts his bare feet on the coffee table.

*  
Mark cannot even focus on the stupid tv because he is only wearing his boxers and no shirt.

*  
It is very distracting.

*  
The couch is not really wide enough for both of them, but they make do.

*  
The couch is lumpy.

*  
His skin is all sticky.

*  
The living room smells like jizz and mildew and panang curry.

*  
It is.

*  
Absolutely.

*  
Utterly.

*  
Totally.

*

 _Perfect._  
*  
They have breakfast downstairs, at a place Mark goes to sometimes that does good waffles.

*  
Mark likes waffles.

*  
Mostly for the syrup.

*  
Hassan uses his fork to eat some of Mark's waffle, right off his plate, without even asking if he can.

*  
Normally that is the kind of thing that would piss him off.

*  
Instead he uses his own fork to take some of Hassan's breakfast potatoes.

*  
He is so smooth.

*  
"Jesus!"

"It's Tabasco. Shit, are you okay?"

Mark coughs.

"Here, have some water."

*  
Well, that was decidedly non-awesome.

*  
He offers to drive Hassan to the East Bay, in the car.

*  
They did, eventually, untangle all their stuff.

*  
There was a lot of stuff.

*  
Hassan's suitcase has all those books, which are heavy.

*  
He offers, and he does not mind.

*  
"Then you'll have to take the bridge, once there and once back. It'll take you like, two hours."

"I can be late."

*  
Hassan lets him pay for a taxi, in the end, though he is not happy about it.

*  
Mark thinks on the drive into the office.

*  
He hates stop and go traffic, but he likes the time to himself.

*  
He uses it to think.

*  
And he is a conscientious driver, so he does not text or go online, while he drives.

*  
Sometimes he listens to the radio.

*  
Sometimes to nothing at all.

*  
There is a text-to-speech function on his Kindle app. When he pulls over to get a drink at Sonic, he sets it up.

*  
The drive is a fucking pain, Hassan is right.

*  
Dustin did a very good job, running things.

*  
That was the longest he had ever been gone.

*  
facebook did not collapse when he was gone.

*  
And that, to be honest, is something of a relief.

*  
facebook is like his pulse.

*  
It's just always there.

*  
But it ran fine without him for ten weeks.

*  
It can go a little longer.

*  
They stay at his, mostly.

*  
At Hassan's a few times.

*  
He lives with a roommate, Molly.

*  
Her boyfriend stays over a lot.

*  
So it makes sense to go to Mark's place in the city.

*  
And that way Mark does not have to take the bridge.

*  
He is less present at the office, than he should be.

*  
He hangs out with everyone less than he should.

*  
He kind of tells a few more lies about needing some time alone after the trip.

*  
Dustin nods sympathetically, because he is not like Mark, but he gets Mark.

*  
Dustin is a very good friend.

*  
And a good partner, to Clare, who is suddenly bursting into tears every five minutes, it feels like.

*  
So Dustin doesn't take it too personally, that Mark wants to be away from the crying.

*  
Mark has a lot fewer problems with girls, since he stopped trying to impress them all of the time, but he still is not very okay with crying.

*  
Sean tries to take him out, but Mark tells him _another time._

*  
Randi acts like the voice of their mother, she wants him to settle down already, _you're thirty years old, Mark._

 

*  
He does not want to settle, in that sense of the word.

*  
Hassan is so attractive, though, and nice.

*  
He walks around Mark's apartment in his jeans, barefoot, and his t-shirts ride up a little bit, over his stomach.

*  
There are a lot of new surfaces to discover, in this apartment.

*  
Clare and Dustin finish _Dollhouse_ without him, and then decide to watch all of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ , from the beginning.

*  
Clare is going through a popcorn phase.

*  
Mark likes those shows, too, so he buys the DVDs, which he watches with Max, every other weekend, at the house.

*  
He stops in every morning to feed the birds, and to swim.

*  
He shifts his fencing lesson to when Hassan meets with his writing group, on Monday nights.

*  
Every other Saturday, when he is not in the city or in Oakland, he watches Max, who Hassan has not met yet, though he has heard Mark talk about him, and he has seen pictures.

*  
They hang out all of the time.

*  
Sometimes they talk, and sometimes they do not talk.

*  
Hassan likes bookstores, so Mark is in bookstores a lot more often.

*  
They eat a lot of takeout, or they go out, for burritos.

*  
Hassan is maybe even a worse cook than Mark is.

*  
"Are you much better?"

"I can make mac and cheese pretty well."

"Are you saying you're tired of the Chamoun special?"

"The tuna and ramen thing?"

"So dismissive."

"It's really salty."

"We can go out."

"Okay. What do you want?"

"Can we get hamburgers?"

*  
The Mission is nice.

*  
They don't go to bars too much.

*  
Grad student bars, in Berkeley, when they stay at Hassan's place, sometimes.

*  
They smoke pot.

*  
They go to coffeeshops and each do their own work.

*  
The semester is underway, so he has papers and tests to grade, in addition to his own research and things to write.

*  
He is working on funding applications, which he complains about a lot, and which take up way too much of his time.

*  
Mark has stuff to do, too, of course, but he is not used to wanting to hang out with someone and being told, "Sorry, I have to work."

*  
That is different, and not entirely nice.

*  
But Hassan loves what he does.

*  
On days when he teaches intro lecture classes he wears button-down shirts.

*  
He looks incredibly cute.

*  
Mark kind of wants to go to one of his classes and hear him lecture.

*  
It would probably be like that scene in Indiana Jones, with all the girls.

*  
When he wears this blue shirt and has shaved some but it's late in the day and his chin is dark?

*  
He looks.

*  
So.

*  
So.

*  
Wicked.

*  
Hot.

*  
He sometimes stares at him, over his laptop, watching him chew on his pen cap, when they are sitting at a coffeeshop.

*  
Hassan drinks coffee.

*  
Mark finds he has developed a taste for syrupy sweet mint tea.

*  
Hassan introduces him to iced chai lattes.

*  
He likes those, as well.

*  
They drink beer.

*  
They watch SNL.

*  
They walk most places.

*  
They go for ice cream.

*  
They have sex with the windows wide open.

*  
The ice cream melts from sitting too long on the countertop, but they eat it anyways.

*  
Mark is probably the happiest he has ever been, really.

*  
Even though he knows it is wrong to keep secrets.

*  
He does not want to tell.

*  
He reverse commutes and spends too much time in the car.

*  
The books are teaching him a lot of things.

*  
Things about history, and religion. People, culture, the world.

*  
It's kind of like being back in school.

*  
Better than school, actually, because there are no bullshit assignments.

*  
Mark loathes busywork.

*  
It is a waste of his fucking time.

*  
The drive is time that he's not using, not really, but he actually does not mind.

*  
He sees Theresa once a week.

*  
They talk about _relinquishing control_ and _trust issues._

*  
He tells her, a little bit, what is happening.

*  
About meeting someone, and being online less.

*  
Eduardo is always in the Hamptons, every weekend.

*  
The pictures are always pretty similar.

*  
Shiny tan people, smiling.

*  
It doesn't look like anywhere he wants to be, really.

*  
It looks nice, if you like that sort of thing.

*  
He asks Hassan if there is anywhere he wants to go, and he reels off a list of places so long that Mark has to create a separate folder in his bookmarks, because there are so many.

*  
He wonders if he could leave again, so soon.

*  
Hassan is off in the summers, and for a month in the winter, for holidays.

*  
He starts pricing flights.

*  
And yet he still has not told Dustin and Clare, or Chris, or Randi, or either Sean, just yet.

*  
Mark sort of likes having this secret.

*  
He goes into the office Monday through Thursday and takes off on Fridays.

*  
Hassan has office hours on Fridays, from 3-6, in the office he shares with a bunch of other grad students.

*  
His desk is an absolute nightmare.

*  
It is so messy.

*  
There are papers, and books, and journals, and empty coffee cups, and piles of notecards.

*  
The rugs arrive, finally.

*  
They look nice, even out of context.

*  
"Wasn't this really expensive?"

"I can have it cleaned, probably."

*  
The stains stay, even after they get it steam cleaned twice.

*  
Mark does not give a shit.

*  
It's only a fucking rug.

*  
Mark sees his family over the holidays.

*  
And when he gets back to the Bay Area, he is less balanced than he should be.

*  
He misses whole days of work so he doesn't have to make the drive back and forth.

*  
He does, in fact, go to Hassan's lectures.

*  
"Did you enjoy the lecture, Mr. Zuckerberg?"

"I did, actually. Although I was pretty distracted every time you wrote on the board."

*  
Hassan doesn't have an office all to himself.

*  
You can rent private study rooms in the library, however, for two hour blocks of time.

*  
Two hours is a lot of time, but it still never feels like enough.

*  
Mark sometimes thinks he might be maybe a little bit crazy.

*  
Because Hassan has about eight deadlines all converging at once, for different grant applications and he is stressed.

*  
He is telling Mark that they can't hang out as much for a while, and that he's super sorry, but he has to rewrite his methods section six different ways and that after November 3rd, when he hits _submit_ on the NSF, they will go out and get very, very, very drunk to celebrate.

*  
Mark is maybe freaking out a little bit.

*  
Like, now he has something he wants to talk about and no one to talk about it with, really.

*  
He talks to Theresa, who listens.

*  
And then they talk about words.

*  
Like.

*  
 _Fear._

*  
and

*  
 _Betrayal._

*  
and

*  
Love.

*  
And that freaks Mark out, too, because he is not sure what is going on.

*  
He is loyal.

*  
Like, with one, huge, glaring exception.

*  
He is like a barnacle with his friends.

*  
He is happiest in a tight circle of people who he gets.

*  
That is just his personality type.

*  
There is nothing wrong with that.

*  
Mark did not, for instance, hate college.

*  
He liked a lot of things about college.

*  
He really liked his friends.

*  
It wasn't until it was all different that he remembered how awesome it was, before everything blew up, with the four of them.

*  
Like, even before he and Eduardo had their thing.

*  
A lot before that.

*  
For all that AEPi was lame (although now it's probably hip, or something, because of irony), and it was, unbelievably lame, they had fun.

*  
Just doing whatever.

*  
The same kinds of things.

*  
Talking or not talking.

*  
And doing work together, and getting food together, and going for coffee, even if one person didn't or doesn't drink coffee.

*  
He thinks a lot, when he leaves, about friendship.

*  
She gives him a lot to think about.

*  
Friendship, of course.

*  
And irony.

*  
He has a lot of time to think.

*  
Because he is acting, a little bit, like a crazy person.

*  
Like Hassan will sometimes text him and say _dinner?_ and Mark will know that means he will have done enough for the day.

*  
And then he will leave the office, to drive into Berkeley (if he is going back to the library or to his office in Kroeber) or to Oakland (if he is done for the night), and drive into the city and over the bridge.

*  
Mark hates driving over the bridge.

*  
Like.

*  
He fucking hates it.

*  
It freaks him out, also.

*  
He is driving two hours, each way, more or less, depending on traffic, to hang out for an hour, or thereabouts, and maybe not even get to have sex or stay the night.

*  
Two hours there and two hours back, not even paying attention to the audio books.

*  
Two hours there and two hours back of thinking.

*  
To not even get to have sex every single time?

*  
And to go eat Thai food, which he likes fine, but to order it all medium hot even though that is really a little too spicy for him?

*  
That is something crazy people would do.

*  
They will get Thai food and Mark will walk Hassan back, through campus, to the library, or his office, and then they will kiss goodbye, in public, and that is fine.

*  
It is Berkeley.

*  
That is nothing.

*  
They make out in library bathrooms.

*  
"I think I need to finish my degree."

"You should do that. What are you going to major in?"

"Classics?"

*  
He hates that drive to Berkeley.

*  
Even though he spends the whole trip over the bridge reassuring himself about reinforced concrete and tensile strengths the bridge freaks him out.

*  
Inland takes longer, so he takes the bridge, even though he is pretty scared of it.

*  
Of course, statistically, he will be fine.

*  
He tries to think of statistics.

*  
Which makes him think of Eduardo, and then that makes him sad.

*  
He does not believe in God, so it's not like he can pray, when he drives over the bridge.

*  
He drives over the bridge and yeah, it freaks him out.

*  
But it gets him there twenty minutes sooner.

*  
But it is worth it to catch the end of one of Hassan's lectures.

*  
He is just really excited about whatever it is he is talking about.

*  
Like, even though Mark knows that he is really stressed out, and tired, and has a million other things to do.

*  
His students love him.

*  
Or something.

*  
Maybe not that.

*  
Theresa thinks he might be jealous.

*  
Mark is driving four hours, round trip, for _booty calls._

*  
He knows that is what they are called.

*  
He knows from all of the thinking that this, too, is ironic.

*  
They do it at Hassan's place, which is a lot smaller, and where he only has the one bedroom to himself.

*  
Molly is there, and her boyfriend, Jacob.

*  
They seem fine.

*  
Nice.

*  
Whatever.

*  
He wants them to go to dinner, or to the movies, or to move out, entirely.

*  
He would pay them to go away.

*  
Mark is annoyed that they cannot be alone, and that they cannot spend the night together.

*  
And then, even though he knows there are deadlines, and things he has to finish -- his own stuff, in addition to the regular huge pile of work he has to do, the grading, the reading, the lecture notes -- he still finds himself resenting everything Hassan has to do.

*  
So yeah.

*  
Kind of ironic.

*  
They can have sex only in Hassan's bedroom, one time, once, maybe, _maybe_ twice, and then he will have to go so Hassan can work, and _no, he can't stay, sorry_ \-- it's.

*  
Yeah.

*  
Four hours he has to think about this.

*  
There and back.

*  
They cannot use every surface in the Oakland place.

*  
There are no stains on that rug.

*  
Mark wants to put stains on that rug.

*  
And the couch.

*  
Fuck, the walls, even.

*  
So instead of all the surfaces of Mark's apartment -- especially the counter, in the kitchen, which seems to happen a lot -- they do it in the bed.

*  
And that?

*  
Even if it's just the one time?

*  
Totally worth the four hour drive.

*  
Mark tells Theresa about this.

*  
Which makes her smile at him.

*  
And not just because of the irony.

*  
The other one.

*  
It has been like _five minutes_ , though.

*  
But it hasn't, not really.

*  
But then it has.

*  
And there is Eduardo.

*  
And skin, or rock, or bridges, or whatever one seems to make the most sense.

*  
They're still all kind of dumb.

*  
He tries to understand logically.

*  
It means that [X] and [Y] share a property [Z]?

*  
"It's a quality, between two things?"

"No, see, that's a kind of reductionist isomorpohism. Because things are always paired."

"Was this guy on drugs?"

"He was French and thought he was a poet. It's basically the same thing."

*  
Mark thinks about time.

*  
How it compresses, moves.

*  
And space.

*  
How people inhabit space. How they stand.

*  
He is a fencer, he notices carriage.

*  
He might, maybe, possibly, be looking on the internet.

*  
Eduardo stands differently in pictures.

*  
By himself, or with other people.

*  
With the man who is his boyfriend.

*  
That is different than how Eduardo was with him.

*  
In college, yes, but even this last time.

*  
Eduardo does not stand up straight, around Mark.

*  
He does not know what this means.

*  
But it is a thing he is maybe starting to understand.

*  
It's different.

*  
It's quite scary.

*  
It makes him want to apologize in ways he never thought to, before.

*  
He takes Hassan out for his birthday on a day when he is supposed to hang out with Max, and he is evasive with Clare, on the phone.

*  
They go out for Lebanese in the city, and they go back to Mark's, afterward.

*  
His place is bigger.

*  
They can do it on the rug.

*  
Hassan can be on top.

*  
It is so fucking hot when he does that, and Mark can just like, look at him.

*  
And he is just really, really, really attractive.

*  
Mark loves it that way.

*  
He loves it the other way, too, the way Eduardo sure as shit never wanted to do.

*  
Hassan fucks Mark into the mattress.

*  
He hates having to leave, or for Hassan to leave him.

*  
He drives him to Oakland on Sunday, and then he does not see him again for three days.

*  
He is mopey.

*  
He is putting in the time, of course, but he is always running off, and checking his phone, and staring off into space, maybe thinking about feelings, or maybe about blowing Hassan in the stacks.

*  
"Will you be my personal tutor?"

"I only know Syriac, not Latin. I'm not even sure they teach that."

*  
Clare and Dustin and Sean and Chris and Randi all ask, in their different ways, on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday, if he is okay.

*  
They know it is not work related.

*  
Mark is worried, too.

*  
It is definitely not about work.

*  
Everyone drops hints.

*  
He tells Sean, because Sean is always straightforward.

*  
He says exactly what he means, mostly.

*  
Sean is not the kind of person to ask a bunch of indirect questions and then get mad, like his sister.

*  
He is not going to talk to his sister about sex.

*  
That is beyond uncomfortable.

*  
Sean takes him out for beers, and they get pretty hammered.

*  
He might drunk dial when he gets home.

*  
He definitely drunk dials, because Hassan makes him listen to the voicemail, when they are out for coffee, the next day.

*  
Hassan has pulled an all-nighter, and is going to crash for four hours and then work until his deadline.

*  
And then he is going to take a disco nap and come meet Mark in the city, where they will, as promised, get drunk.

*  
"Mark, this message you left me."

"I cannot believe I drunk dialed you."

"Don't be ridics. Look, I have a lot to do, right now, but I like you, it's not about you, okay?"

"It's hard not to feel like it is, though."

"Well, it isn't. You're going to have to accept that if you want to be my boyfriend. That is what you were asking, I assume?"

*  
Mark is speechless.

*  
Mark has dated enough people, slept with probably far too many more.

*  
Mark has had exactly one boyfriend.

*  
In the past.

*  
You know, ever.

*  
Ever.

*  
So it is hard to believe.

*  
It is great.

*  
But it is still hard not to compare.

*  
Because they are different people, and he cares about them both, in a way that feels about the same.

*  
But also not, maybe?

*  
He is less scared of hurting Hassan, in every single way.

*  
Not just in the feelings way.

*  
He always worried Eduardo would break.

*  
And Eduardo would never fuck him, not ever.

*  
He shut that idea down pretty quick.

*  
Mark could have been okay with that.

*  
But Eduardo, during sex, was pretty passive.

*  
Mark had to basically do _everything._

*  
Not that it wasn't great.

*  
Eduardo liked it on his back.

*  
And God, he looked so good, in any angle, any light.

*  
Eduardo is really lovely.

*  
Eduardo is maybe a little bit like a very pretty statue, in a museum.

*  
Statues do not bite you back.

*  
Statues do not leave a line of scratch marks down your side.

*  
Sometimes Mark likes to be on his back, too.

*

The next day he is antsy.

*  
Everything everyone says is pissing him off.

*  
Which of course makes absolutely not one iota of sense.

*  
He has a boyfriend.

*  
He spins in his chair at work and thinks about changing his relationship status.

*  
That is why he came up with the damn thing, so people would know.

*  
He is drinking Red Bull because he has to gear up for the drive.

*  
He will meet Hassan in San Francisco, that is the plan, so he has to drive.

*  
More time to fucking think is all that is.

*  
He texts a little after 6 PST/9 EST, when the NSF Portal closes.

*  
 _Can you meet up with us in Berkeley?_

*  
Mark is texting while he walks out the door.

*  
 _I thought we were going out?_

*  
 _People want to get a drink to celebrate. Please?_

*  
So now Mark has to drive to the East Bay and meet an assload of people from Hassan's department

*  
 _Tell me where. I'll meet you._

*  
This time he does take the inland route, Hwy 101 to the 880 to the 580.

*  
To Berkeley.

*  
Pretty much during rush hour.

*  
Insane.

*  
Of course the whole drive he has to think about things.

*  
The traffic moves in fits and starts.

*  
He knows he should tell people.

*  
About having a boyfriend.

*  
But there was a reason for _It's Complicated._

*  
Just like there was a reason for poking.

*  
Because freshman year Dustin used to do this thing where he would hold out his index finger about a millimeter away from Chris' face, in an attempt to throw him off his game in Mario Kart, and Chris would say, _stop poking me Dustin_ , and Dustin would say _Poking? I'm not even touching you, weirdo._

*  
That was the reason behind poking.

*  
He should really tell people.

*  
It is how people talk about themselves, these days.

*  
People put their sonogram pictures up on facebook.

*  
Phone numbers.

*  
Addresses.

*  
Endless pictures of themselves, trying to look sexy.

*  
Girls do this.

*  
As does Eduardo Saverin, who maybe has the single worst case of sexy face Mark has ever seen.

*  
It is so unfair that he looks that fucking good in photographs.

*  
Mark looks even worse in pictures than he does in real life, and he knows in real life he is nothing to fuss over.

*  
Eduardo looks like a goddamned male model or something, and his entire body is ridiculous, as are all the clothes he wears.

*  
Eduardo is even more perfect, in every sense of the word, than he was back in college.

*  
In college he would get rumpled sometimes, go barefoot sometimes.

*  
Eduardo is, quite frankly, a little bit uptight.

*  
He takes all his clothes to the dry cleaners.

*  
Mark does not even own anything that needs to be dry cleaned.

*  
He is still so sexy, of course, in all of his facebook pictures.

*  
Mark thinks he is maybe showing off, just like all those hot girls do.

*  
Okay, so that is what people do on facebook, and even Mark is a little uncomfortable with that sometimes, now that facebook is so damn ubiquitous.

*  
That is just, crossing the streams too much.

*  
If it is one of his cousins, maybe.

*  
That is weird.

*  
But everyone does it.

*  
Everyone.

*  
Because Mark sometimes thinks he, himself, is one of the last non-exhibitionists on the internet.

*  
Because girls do that, and gay men, and increasingly large numbers of straight men.

*  
They snap photos with their digital cameras and upload them to the internet.

*  
Mark has met enough people this way.

*  
That is fine, that is private.

*  
Sending someone a picture of your erect penis via email attachment is, of course, always a little risky, but it is a lifesaver, when you are a busy person who loathes dating.

*  
Mark loathes dating.

*  
He is not a total misanthrope, which everyone thinks.

*  
He's _not._

*  
If he were a misanthrope would he be driving in rush hour traffic to go to a graduate student pub with his boyfriend?

*  
Fuck _no_ , he would not.

*  
And contrary to what many people might say, Mark Zuckerberg did not invent the internet.

*  
He did not even really revolutionize the internet.

*  
All he had was an idea.

*  
A good idea, a very good idea.

*  
And a very good brain, and the energy of a teenager.

*  
That is all Mark did.

*  
One good idea, that is all it takes.

*  
So after one year of college, which was not, quite frankly, all it was cracked up to be, he made facebook happen.

*  
He took the college experience and put it online, and then, in the process of making that into a reality beyond Harvard, he managed to screw himself out of his own college experience.

*  
Epically.

*  
So epically.

*  
Because it is only now, over ten years since freshman orientation, that he can see what the college experience was really supposed to be about.

*  
Not secret clubs and private parties.

*  
Not endless random sex.

*  
Not even what you learn in class.

*  
Mark can teach himself anything, if he wants to.

*  
Class is not the point of college.

*  
It is to learn things, obviously, or prepare for a career.

*  
And to meet people, who are different from you.

*  
Not better.

*  
Not worse.

*  
Just different.

*  
Which is okay.

*  
Better than okay.

*  
It is also a time to find out who you are, away from parents, from friends, family.

*  
Who are you?

*  
In college?

*  
Before that?

*  
After that?

*  
Mark Zuckerberg thought Harvard would be a piece of cake.

*  
Classes, for him, are always easy.

*  
The rest was not so easy.

*  
But some parts were.

*  
The nights when they got drunk in the three-suite and then went to sit in the square, just for the hell of it.

*  
Or arguments, in the dining hall, about politics or whatever.

*  
Recognizing people from lecture and nodding, when you pass them.

*  
Shitty diner coffee and hash browns, after parties.

*  
Ice cream for dinner, if you feel like it.

*  
Mark actually enjoyed that all, a lot.

*  
That was the part of the college experience he liked, in retrospect.

*  
He did not hate college.

*  
Grad students are sort of perpetually in college.

*  
Sort of.

*  
So Mark is maybe not thrilled about the basement pub that they are all at.

*  
He is not thrilled about having to be around a huge crowd of drunk people, only some of whom he has met before.

*  
He is not thrilled that they end up doing shots.

*  
Or that Hassan takes all his quarters and drags him over to the jukebox to pick out music.

*  
He is not thrilled that he is suddenly drunk and starving and being talked into going into another bar, this time with a slightly smaller group of people, down the street.

*  
And then going for a pizza.

*  
And then finally, fucking finally, getting Hassan alone enough to make out with him, against the glass window of the pizza place.

*  
He looks heavy-lidded, delirious tired.

*  
He has been hyper all night.

*  
All his grant apps are in.

*  
He is drunk and exhausted, so he is giddy, laughing randomly.

*  
Tripping over his own feet.

*  
His jeans are slipping down off his butt, because he is not wearing a belt.

*  
He is definitely drunk.

*  
He need to drink a gallon of water and then to go to sleep.

*  
Instead he is talking to everyone.

*  
He is grinning, every single time he introduces Mark to someone new, because he introduces him as _my boyfriend._

*  
It is dark enough that Mark does not think people can see him blush.

*  
And he is drunk, and freaked out, and annoyed that they are not alone, but he is also kind of stupidly happy.

*  
He has his iPhone.

*  
Hell, what is the point of it being there if he never uses it?

*  
They are too drunk to drive, so Mark leaves the car on the street.

*  
They take BART, his ears popping as they pass underneath the Bay.

*  
The tunnel freaks him out, too.

*  
But they kiss in the tunnel, the sound roaring past, the flicker of emergency lights as they pass them, and Hassan's face is scratchy and his mouth tastes like beer and tomato sauce.

*  
They go back to Mark's, where he manages to get a very drunk, stumbly boy into his bed, give him water, and get his shoes off.

*  
He smiles up at Mark and waves at him, giggling.

*  
"You are wasted."

"Maybe a little bit."

"Maybe a lot."

"Yeah, a lot."

"You should go to sleep now."

"Okay. Night."

"Hassan?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not going to puke in my bed, are you?"

*  
Hassan falls asleep pretty much right away.

*  
Mark leaves a trash can next to the bed, in case he does puke.

*  
He is pretty shit-hammered, and Mark is also kind of drunk.

*  
Drunk enough to pull out his phone and send Dustin an email, saying that he will not be in tomorrow.

*  
He tells no lies, he makes no excuses.

*  
 _I'm not coming in, call if you need me for anything. MZ_

*  
He then uses the camera app to take a picture of Hassan, who is sleeping on his side and drooling onto the pillow a little bit.

*  
That is not going to go on the internet, of course.

*  
He logs in to his personal page and edits the things that need editing.

*  
And then he turns the damn phone off.

*  
He gets a water of his own, and brushes his teeth. He makes sure the doors are locked, the lights are out.

*  
And then he gets in bed next to Hassan, who is now his boyfriend, officially.

*  
That was maybe not the best way to tell everybody.

*  
There will be emails, phone calls. Endless questions.

*  
Snooping, of course.

*  
Everyone will snoop, now.

*  
They will see the pictures of the dig, and the whole group, arriving, working, partying, leaving.

*  
They will see that picture of Mark in Izmir with no shirt on.

*  
They will see a picture Preeti took of the two of them, at a cafe in Istanbul, where Hassan is waving his hands around and Mark's head is tilted like an owl, looking at him, trying to figure out what he is trying to say.

*  
There will probably be pictures from tonight, when Mark may have been convinced to dance.

*  
But this way, of course, he does not have to call a bunch of people, or email them, or have coffee with them and explain it all.

*  
This way everyone he knows will know.

*  
That.

*  
 _Mark Zuckerberg_

*  
is

*  
 _In a Relationship_

*  
with

*  
 _Hassan Chamoun_

*  
Relationship.

*  
So weird.

*  
Very weird.

*  
So very very weird.

*  
Mark has driven for hours to drink microbrews and Jager shots with socially awkward academics and dance to exactly one hip-hop song like he has a broken leg and then eat not so good pizza and to ride public fucking transit and then walk up a giant hill and then a bunch of steps and even at the end of it there is not even any sex.

*  
Is that a relationship?

*  
Well.

*  
If that is a relationship.

*  
Quite frankly, he has never been happier.

*  
Never.

*  
Probably at least until the phone starts ringing.

*  
That he does take some credit for revolutionizing.

*  
People fucking hate the phone.

*  
No one likes it.

*  
Mark also hates the phone.

*  
He puts it on the nightstand and pushes up against the warm boy in his bed, the boy who is now his boyfriend.

*  
They sleep spooned together, and neither of them puke.

*  
Mark can handle a lot, these days, but he is not sure he wants to clean up vomit.

*  
Relationship or not, that is still pretty fucking gross.


	4. Chapter 4

*  
The next morning Mark does not feel too awful.

*  
There is a twinge in his head and his throat is all scratchy, from the kind of loud talking you have to do to be heard in bars.

*  
Hassan looks a bit more worse for the wear.

*  
He partied pretty hard.

*  
"You use that as a verb?"

"Be nice to me, my head hurts."

"I think you have no one to blame but yourself."

*  
Hassan takes the pillow when Mark gets up, puts it over his head.

*  
It is not sunny, because San Francisco is always foggy, wet.

*  
Cold.

*  
Hassan groans.

*  
Mark now has a cezve, which he makes coffee in.

*  
You are supposed to let it boil three times.

*  
He buys the Arabic kind, which has ground cardamom in it.

*  
He does not drink it, but it makes the apartment smell nice.

*  
"Oh my God, you are amazing. If I could move I would kiss you, but my eyeballs weigh a million pounds right now."

*  
He is always complaining, but he bounces back pretty quickly from his hangovers.

*  
Archaeologists are hardcore.

*  
The combination of _[coffee] + [food] + [shower] + [blowjob] + [more caffeine]_ seems to work really well.

*  
"Do you want to go out for breakfast?"

"I don't actually think that I can move."

"There's not much here besides eggs."

"I'll eat eggs, but I'm not getting up."

*  
Mark scrambles eggs, which they eat in bed, and then go do everything else in that sequence.

*  
He does not check his phone until after noon, when he has fourteen missed calls, eleven voicemails, and over two hundred new emails.

*  
Hassan has fallen back asleep, so Mark gets out his iPad.

*  
He does not like to bring it in the bedroom, so he sits on the couch, and turns the tv on for company.

*  
It is like he expected, there is a lot of curiosity.

*  
Mark kept things pretty secret.

*  
For almost three whole months, secret.

*  
That may have made him a shitty friend.

*  
He wants his friends to like Hassan, of course, but he still does not want to share him.

*  
Not in an unhealthy way, he has tried to tell Theresa.

*  
He is not sure if she understands this part.

*  
He does not like to cross the streams.

*  
He sends emails, and though he listens to the messages, he does not return the phone calls to anyone except for his mother.

*  
She will know, by now, that Hassan is not Jewish, and he hopes she will not be disappointed.

*  
She sounds happy enough for him, though she sounds a little hurt when he tells her how long it has been going on.

*  
She does ask if he is Jewish.

*  
He tells her no.

*  
Religion is complicated.

*  
They have pretty similar views on it, for the most part.

*  
Academics tend to be secular, usually.

*  
But he has told Mark about Eastern Catholicism, which is old, and beautiful.

*  
He is like Mark, he appreciates ritual.

*  
Antiquity.

*  
You don't have to pray to those gods to appreciate the monuments someone built in their honor.

*  
Religions fade, too.

*  
In time.

*  
Zoroastrianism.

*  
Gnosticism.

*  
Akkadian.

*  
The same as the empires they once helped spread.

*  
Gone, except for bones and tablets and traces upon the earth.

*  
Symbols carved in soft stone, left to weather in deserts.

*  
Nothing is permanent, yet something always remains.

*  
Maronites are old.

*  
It is a religion full of history, in a region densely packed with even more history.

*  
Maronite mass is conducted in Syriac, which is Christian Aramaic.

*  
Jesus spoke Aramaic.

*  
Jesus was Jewish, from Judaea.

*  
There is a kinship between them, like the branches of a tree.

*  
Mark learned that from linguistics.

*  
Which is very interesting.

*  
He is always looking for connections, which is what anthropologists do, too.

*  
They are obsessed, Hassan tells him, with kinship.

*  
It's a big deal, supposedly.

*  
Mark is not sure about that.

*  
But he knows that he is good with languages.

*  
And he is good at translating.

*  
When he taught himself all those languages, in elementary school, middle school, high school -- whether the manmade ones or the ancient ones, he would sometimes write the same sentence in five or six languages, just to see how it looked different, what shape the words would take.

*  
Orthography.

*  
Mark appreciates grammar.

*  
He likes translation.

*  
He spends a lot of his time in the car back-translating.

*  
Everyone has their own language.

*  
They are not speaking in code, not really.

*  
Or if they are, Mark is getting better at parsing it.

*  
You have to pay attention to the grammar, and the semantics, and then you have to translate.

*  
That is how he orients himself, between the language Theresa speaks and the one Hassan speaks, and the one he knows in his head, and the other one, that he feels on his skin and in his stomach.

*  
That last one is the part you cannot translate.

*  
And it is almost impossible to explain, in words.

*  
Words are not enough to make it make sense.

*  
That is, of course, why people always use all those fucking metaphors.

*  
Because the words should be better, somehow, they should mean more, say more.

*  
They should capture all the immensity of that stomach-dropping feeling.

*  
They don't.

*  
They just fucking _don't._

*  
"My friends want to meet you."

"When?"

"Tomorrow, for dinner."

"In the city?"

"Palo Alto."

"Do I have to dress up?"

"You don't have to do anything except come. Although -- "

"What?"

"You're going to have to wear a shirt, though."

"I think I can manage that."

"Not right now, of course."

"No, of course not."

*  
The phone stays off, as does the computer.

*  
The rug is totally going to have to be cleaned, yet again.

*  
Mark could not be happier.

*  
He tries not to be nervous about sharing his secret.

*  
He has already mentally compared Hassan to Eduardo in every way possible.

*  
Not that one is better than the other.

*  
They are both incredible.

*  
He does not love Eduardo any less.

*  
That is strange, and terrifying.

*  
Not only because he is comparing two variables and trying to extrapolate the common properties between them.

*  
But that is not what it is, at all.

*  
It is not that, not one bit.

*  
They are totally different people, but they make his stomach drop in exactly the same way.

*  
And for that there are not words that are big enough.

*  
None.

*

They stay in the city that night, after they go out for more coffee and pancakes at three in the afternoon.

*  
They stop in a ton of bookstores on the way back.

*  
Hassan buys like five books, which Mark knows he cannot really afford.

*  
Then they take the train to Oakland, and bring Hassan's stuff, since he is going to stay the night in Palo Alto.

*  
He has never been to Mark's house.

*  
Mark does not bring a lot of people back to his house.

*  
The Silicon Valley scene is not all that great, so dating means going into San Francisco, because hardly anyone will make the trek out to Palo Alto.

*  
Hassan is not quiet in the car.

*  
He talks and points at things and asks a lot of questions.

*  
It makes the drive seem a lot less long.

*  
Mark has no time at all to think.

*  
He does not bring people here.

*  
The San Francisco place, sure.

*  
Not the Palo Alto house.

*  
No one comes to Palo Alto, just in general, unless they have something to do there.

*  
Stanford students and tech dudes.

*  
There is San Jose, but that is not much better.

*  
Mark is pretty quiet.

*  
He is slightly nervous.

*  
"You live here?"

"Yes?"

"You have a pool? Why didn't you tell me before now that you had a pool?"

"Okay, well, there's the pool."

"Can we go swimming?"

"Right now?"

"Is the pool heated?"

"Of course."

*  
The lure of the pool, it seems, outweighs the relative lameness of Palo Alto.

*  
"Ah, the infamous chickens."

"How infamous?"

"I feel like I know them already."

"I still might get a goat."

"You know I was just fucking with you, right?"

"I know."

*  
They sit by the pool. Hassan flips through his new books, and then they smoke a joint, and then they get in the pool. Mark swims a few laps. They kiss, in the deeper water, because it is coldish outside.

*  
They take a shower together.

*  
They are very understandably late for their dinner at Evvia.

*  
Mark sort of worries that people will be upset with him, because they are late, but Hassan starts apologizing to everyone, and he is the kind of person that no one could be upset with.

*  
The baby likes him.

*  
He and Sean like all of the same music.

*  
He is more radical than Chris, politically, but he's polite about it.

*  
He and Clare have read all the same books, because she was a French Lit major and is kind of pretentious, too.

*  
Dustin doesn't talk to him too much.

*  
Randi is probably taking notes to give to their mother.

*  
At the end of dinner a picture is taken, which is up on facebook come Monday, at the start of the workweek.

*  
They spent the weekend in Palo Alto.

*  
Hassan had his books, and his laptop, and his documents stored remotely.

*  
Except for digging and teaching, Hassan can work pretty much anywhere.

*  
He puts in his headphones and drinks coffee and reads.

*  
Mark does not have the right equipment to make Turkish coffee there, so they drive to a store on the peninsula.

*  
And groceries, mostly frozen things.

*  
They have a great weekend.

*  
Everyone goes out for brunch on Sunday, and then he drives Hassan back to Oakland.

*  
"That was really fun."

"It was?"

"Of course it was. Your friends are great."

"Oh."

"I'll text you later, 'kay?"

"Okay, sure."

"Bye."

"Bye."

*  
Hm.

*  
Hassan does not mind Palo Alto, or the fact that his house is kind of dull.

*  
They can just hang out, and eat, and have sex, and do their own work, and sit by the pool.

*  
In the shade or in the sun.

*  
Mark is starting to get the hang of this relationship thing.

*  
Not that he has mastered it, quite yet.

*

It's still pretty new.  
*  
November is a good month.

*  
Hassan comes back to Palo Alto on weekends, when he does not need to go to campus, and they sit outside if it is warm enough.

*  
It makes the drive go a hell of a lot more quickly.

*  
They aren't together all the time, but when they are it is good, no matter where they are.

*  
They like one another in San Francisco.

*  
And in Berkeley and in Oakland.

*  
Even in Palo Alto.

*  
It is getting chilly, so they use the hot tub instead of the pool.

*  
It is kind of cheesy, like a bad porno.

*  
What they do in the hot tub, that is.

*  
They put on music and drink wine and make out, in the hot tub.

*  
Often they will do more than just make out, in the hot tub.

*  
Whatever.

*  
It's chlorinated.

*  
Mark is very rarely worried about cleanliness.

*  
You can't actually have sex in a hot tub very easily.

*  
Touching works okay.

*  
Sometimes they get one another off, under the water, steam rising off their skin.

*  
Sometimes they go inside to wash the chlorine off first.

*  
The smell lingers.

*  
Mark's boyfriend smells like summertime all of the time, because of the chlorine and his shampoo, which smells like coconuts.

*  
His breath tastes like the coffee Mark brings him, when they are at one of their houses, or the coffee he buys him, when they go out.

*  
The money stuff is a little weird.

*  
He does not want for it to be weird.

*  
The fact that Mark is so much richer, exponentially so, is not even the issue. It's the little things.

*  
Paying for his coffee with quarters and dimes.

*  
Recycling not just because it's ecologically friendly, but to get his bottle deposit back.

*  
Never buying anything new for himself besides academic monographs.

*  
All of his clothes are from thrift stores.

*  
Sometimes he does compensated experiments in the psych department to get beer money.

*  
He can only see his family once a year, at Christmas, because the ticket is about six hundred dollars round trip.

*  
Oil prices keep rising.

*  
He has tried the train, but he will not do Greyhound.

*  
Hassan has horror stories about budget travel in America, and some about the Middle East.

*  
Friends of his have even more insane stories to tell -- roads washed out by mud; countries with no infrastructure, no garbage pickup, no electrical grid.

*  
Mark is so fucking fortunate.

*  
He is a white man in the richest country on earth.

*  
Just that fact alone makes him luckier than 97% of the world.

*  
Never mind being a billionaire, or whatever.

*  
That's just bonus.

*  
Hassan's family came over in the early eighties.

*  
They are lucky to be alive.

*  
He listens to books about Pan-Arabism, the Civil War, the Ottoman Empire, the PLO, Hezbollah, Cold War power struggles, communism, religion, sectarian violence.

*  
Lucky.

*  
So fucking _lucky._

*  
He tells Mark things, during the drive.

*  
Mark asks questions, but he also listens.

*  
He watches the road, and he listens to Hassan tell stories about sniper fire, barbed wire, suicide bombers.

*  
They left when he was just a baby.

*  
He is the fourth youngest, he has two younger sisters who were born in America.

*  
He has not been back since then.

*  
"My mother doesn't think it'll be safe, not with our last name. Someday, though, I want to see Beirut."

*  
Mark wants to see Beirut, as well.

*  
In the evenings they go to Clare and Dustin's and sit around the fire pit. Randi comes over, Chris and Sean when they are in town.

*  
Dustin still does not talk to Hassan a lot, and he doesn't seem to want him to hold Max, either.

*  
Theresa has some thoughts about this.

*  
Mark decides that he will wait before saying anything to Dustin.

*  
Sean wants to take them clubbing.

*  
They have not yet said yes.

*  
Palo Alto weekends are a different beast, with black bean burgers and bowls of tortilla chips.

*  
Beers with lime wedges, which give way to rum and Cokes, as it gets colder.

*  
Everyone has outdoor radiant heaters.

*  
So they can sit outside pretty much all year round.

*  
He has to wear sneakers, because his toes get cold.

*  
Hassan has one nice pair of shoes that he wears for teaching, and one old pair of Doc Martens.

*  
Mark finds himself fixated on these shoes, wondering how long he has had them for.

*  
"High school, it must have been. I was so hardcore, obviously."

*  
Obviously.

*  
They sit around outside and eat chips and salsa and watch the fire flicker.

*  
They rotate whose iPod they listen to.

*  
Hassan listens to classical (when he writes) and rap (when he does other things).

*  
He is very weird.

*  
He is good with the baby, who is really a toddler, by now.

*  
Max knows words, too, which is crazy.

*  
He knows Mark's name.

*  
Max is highly mobile, and Hassan is always retrieving him from corners of the backyard.

*  
They cook at Clare and Dustin's.

*  
Hassan is a horrible cook, even just with prep work.

*  
He can barely chop an onion.

*  
It takes him twenty minutes.

*  
To chop an onion.

*  
Clare thinks he may be a lost cause.

*  
Mark is not so bad at prep.

*  
If he has instructions, and a list, and knows all the steps, he is fine.

*  
And now he can make coffee, as well, though he still doesn't want to drink it.

*  
Regular coffee is already pretty gross.

*  
Arabic coffee is misleading, in terms of volume.

*  
The cup looks regular sized, but it's at least one-third full of grounds.

*  
Smells nice, though.

*  
"He's even worse than you."

"It's pretty impressive, I know."

"What is he going to contribute at Thanksgiving?"

"Is he invited?"

"You haven't asked him yet? Of course he's invited, don't play dumb."

"Fighting words, there."

"So what are you bringing?"

"My stunning personality? Wine? Cranberry sauce?"

"Go to Whole Foods and get the good stuff, at least, not out of the can."

"No wine?"

"Definitely wine. Even if I can't drink it."

*  
She is due in February.

*  
They are going to have a girl.

*  
They decided to paint her room yellow.

*  
Max has a green bedroom, which Clare has told him, since he does not see green very well.

*  
He sees blue, of course.

*  
His boyfriend has blue eyes, which is rare for Arabs.

*  
His boyfriend is seriously, fucking gorgeous.

*  
He stares at his face a lot.

*  
It is a nice face.

*  
He asks when they are doing work at a cafe in Oakland.

*  
Hassan says yes.

*  
He does not have enough time or resources to get back to Dearborn for the holiday, even though everyone would like to see him.

*  
"You sure people don't mind?"

"People?"

"Your friends?"

"My friends love you."

*  
Mark is not sure if they actually, legitimately love him, since they have only known him for a few weeks.

*  
Love, he has talked about with Theresa, is something that takes time.

*  
But not always.

*  
Sometimes it is like a piano falling from the sky, like in a cartoon.

*  
"Good to know."

"So will you come?"

"We get our own room?"

"Duh."

"Can we walk on the beach?"

"If you want."

"Can we have sex on the beach?"

"Seriously?"

"Remind me to pack a blanket."

*  
They will take separate cars to Big Sur, to the house they have rented for the last few years.

*  
The first couple of California Thanksgivings Mark did not take any time off.

*  
Then Clare happened, and she was appalled.

*  
Dustin likes to eat, so they would make dinner, just the three of them.

*  
Pasta with bolognese, which has absolutely nothing to do with Thanksgiving.

*  
Or Turkey sandwiches, which kind of do.

*  
Then she and Dustin became a couple-couple and dinner got more elaborate.

*  
Now everyone brings something, contributes something.

*  
Chris makes amazing cornbread stuffing, which he calls _dressing._ It has pecans in it.

*  
Sean makes at least three kinds of pie.

*  
Mark thinks pumpkin pie is sort of gross, but he always eats a very small piece to be polite.

*  
Clare is in charge of the turkey.

*  
Dustin usually gets put on potato duty, and then he sets the table.

*  
Randi and Mark deal with the rest of the vegetables.

*  
He is so glad they are his friends.

*  
So glad.

*  
They are good people.

*  
All of them, really, in their own ways.

*  
Most people are, in their own ways.

*  
He sees that much more clearly now.

*  
That people aren't unequivocally horrible.

*  
He just has a low threshold because of his _distinctive introversion._

*  
He doesn't think he is a bad person anymore, because of this.

*  
As he has gotten older, he gets it a little more.

*  
He is not an asshole, through and through.

*  
But people make him prickly.

*  
That is just a fact.

*  
He cannot change that.

*  
He has coping mechanisms that he has learned, over the years.

*  
Not that he is so good at it, all of the time.

*  
Mark knows he is difficult to get along with.

*  
He has a pretty shitty personality.

*  
Despite being smarter than just about much everyone he knows, that is not any excuse for being a dick.

*  
Mark is still kind of a dick, even though he is supposedly a grown-up.

*  
He turned thirty right before he went to Turkey.

*  
It didn't feel so important at the time.

*  
It still doesn't feel important.

*  
They didn't do anything different, just a regular dinner at a regular restaurant.

*  
He does not mind being thirty, but he didn't want to think about it too much.

*  
After they all went out he had to spend two days alone, not talking to anyone except on chat and email.

*  
Mark needs a lot of time to himself to regroup.

*  
Even with people he likes, people he likes a whole lot, sometimes Mark just doesn't want to be near them.

*  
He pushes people away so that they will leave first.

*  
Mark knows he has problems with this.

*  
He does not like to get close to people for this reason.

*  
Mark does not -- contrary to popular opinion -- like hurting people that he cares about.

*  
He tries not to respond to all the critique, all the allegations.

*  
But he knows what people think of him.

*  
He is a topic of popular interest.

*  
In books and movies, and of course on the fucking internet.

*  
Mark can no longer Google himself for fun.

*  
Typing his name into a search bar no longer thrills him, as it once did, years ago.

*  
When being _internet famous_ was a big deal.

*  
Now all the search results are about those words he talks about with Theresa, or writes about in his journal, or thinks about on his commute.

*  
 _Friendship._

*  
 _Love._

*  
 _Betrayal._

*  
Mark is too busy thinking to be sad.

*  
He is busy, generally.

*  
Not consumed with any one thing, but he is busy.

*  
Mark loves his work.

*  
That is also an amazing thing to have, in your life.

*  
He is busy because he wants to be.

*  
Mark's mother would like it if he and Randi would fly back east, but she does not guilt-trip them about it.

*  
This is so much nicer than New York.

*  
Four hours on a winding coastal highway beats the hell out of six hours on a nasty-ass plane, for one.

*  
It's incredible.

*  
The California coast is like nothing else, really.

*  
Nowhere he has ever been, yet, at least.

*  
Mark will pick Hassan up in Berkeley, after his last class ends on Wednesday, and they will drive from there.

*  
Randi will ride with Clare and Dustin and Max.

*  
Chris and Sean will ride together.

*  
Sean is not coming.

*  
He says that Thanksgiving is a _fail-safe for hooking up_ , because everyone is restless and resentful.

*  
And drunk.

*  
College girls back home for the long weekend, who have spent the whole day mired in a stew of family issues.

*  
Sean is pretty straightforward with Mark about everything, so Mark knows what he means by that.

*  
Which.

*  
 _Ew._

*  
Mark likes Sean, but he no longer thinks that is so cool.

*  
It's kind of lame.

*  
It's also kind of gross.

*  
Sean is not a bad guy, he thinks, as he drives over the bridge into Berkeley.

*  
Mark would just rather not know about it.

*  
It is impossible to change people.

*  
That is something he and Theresa have talked about a lot.

*  
So much.

*  
She tells him you can't change anything but your own response.

*  
Theresa is very smart.

*  
Hassan knows that he is in therapy.

*  
He is pretty mellow, for the most part, but he has really bad anxiety about his academic work.

*  
He is smart, just like Mark, but about totally different things.

*  
But he frets, and he paces, and he bites his nails.

*  
He worries that he won't get funding for his dissertation.

*  
He worries about every draft of every paper, every grant.

*  
Hassan worries so much that he cannot see all the things that he does that are so amazing.

*  
Like how he is such a great teacher.

*  
How he takes time to explain things.

*  
And that he's patient, when someone doesn't understand.

*  
Mark is completely impatient.

*  
If someone does not understand what he is trying to say right the fuck away he gets super annoyed.

*  
Because he is kind of a dick.

*  
He has been working on this.

*  
Sometimes he can't help it, of course.

*  
But he tries to be more considerate, more patient.

*  
Like his boyfriend, who has a cluster of symptoms that flare up whenever a deadline approaches.

*  
His first year of graduate school, he told Mark, he got so depressed.

*  
Being away from his family.

*  
Working all the time.

*  
Being broke and busy and lonely.

*  
He tells Mark these things on the drives back and forth, across the whole of the Bay Area.

*  
They stop for sodas.

*  
Sometimes they get milkshakes.

*  
Hassan knows there is no shame in having problems.

*  
Mark likes that he doesn't feel judged at all, when they are together.

*  
That is what is nice about caring about someone who is really, at heart, your friend, first and foremost.

*  
Eduardo was his friend.

*  
Best friends.

*  
Even before he loved Eduardo, they were best friends.

*  
Eduardo told him a lot of things.

*  
He always seemed so sad.

*  
Mark never managed to make Eduardo feel better.

*  
Because he knows, now, that despite being a fucking asshole, not only to someone who was supposed to be his best friend, but just kind of in general -- he could not have changed him.

*  
You can't change people.

*  
That is what Theresa would say.

*  
She is right.

*  
That is not how it works.

*  
He thinks about this a lot, too.

*  
And he talks about it, on these drives back and forth.

*  
Hassan knows all about the other person Mark has been in love with, for ten plus years.

*  
The only person.

*  
Ever, in his whole life.

*  
Mark Zuckerberg is thirty years old, and has been in love a grand total of one time.

*  
And just like _the college experience_ , he was so goddamned busy that he did not even get to experience it, fully.

*  
When Eduardo said they could try again, Mark wanted to experience all of it.

*  
As much as he could.

*  
He tried to be a good boyfriend.

*  
And maybe he was.

*  
He knows, actually, that he was a pretty good boyfriend, for that short amount of time.

*  
He was attentive, and patient, and present.

*  
The ways in which he was not, the first time.

*  
Mark has thought, and written, and talked about his feelings about all this.

*  
What happened, there.

*  
With them.

*  
He loved Eduardo, and Eduardo loved him, so he did not see why there was a problem.

*  
There is love and betrayal and those can be reconciled.

*  
Mark is pretty sure that if he had slept with someone else, that Eduardo would have forgiven him.

*  
Eduardo would have forgiven him for just about any infraction, any infidelity, because Eduardo is a good person.

*  
If he had been nothing more than a shitty boyfriend, back in college, when what they had was undefined, Mark is certain that it would have been okay.

*  
But he was not just a shitty boyfriend.

*  
He was a shitty _friend._

*  
That is why he was an asshole.

*  
Not love.

*  
Not that kind.

*  
Not like that.

*  
It is worse, Mark has decided, to hurt a friend.

*  
He told Eduardo this, once, when they were about to fall asleep.

*  
Mark liked to sleep curled up next to Eduardo, but when he woke up in the mornings, Eduardo would be all the way on the other side of the bed.

*  
Mark tried not to take that personally.

*  
Sometimes he did take it personally, though.

*  
Mark kind of got the impression that for all Eduardo said _everything's fine, it's fine_ that it was not, actually _fine_ at all.

*  
He did not want to talk about it.

*  
He did not want to talk to anyone.

*  
Not a social worker, not a therapist.

*  
He just wanted to go to yoga all the time and sit on the couch, not talking.

*  
It made him sad, because Eduardo did not seem _fine_ , at all.

*  
Mark knew it was his fault, at least partially.

*  
Mark was pretty sure that Eduardo loved him, too.

*  
But he is still not sure if he ever _liked_ him.

*  
Because of all those words.

*  
Because of forgiveness.

*  
He can think these thoughts, and on occasion he shares them aloud to the person in the passenger seat.

*  
It is maybe inappropriate to talk about these things with Hassan, but he does not judge.

*  
He has been in love, too.

*  
More than just the one time.

*  
Three separate times, he has been in love, has been with someone that he loved.

*  
Because it is different, for everyone.

*  
Mark does not fall in love so very easily.

*  
But he knows that it is happening.

*  
Since that first time in the tent, he knew something was happening.

*  
It is like the drive through the Pacific Palisades.

*  
It is dangerous, and full of sharp blind curves.

*  
No guardrails to prevent you from careening over a cliff.

*  
But the drive is exhilarating.

*  
The view is _beyond._

*  
Careening around a bend and seeing the endless sky wide wide open in front of you, looking out over nothing but water, nothing but blue, as far as you can see.

*  
Nothing between you and the ocean.

*  
The ocean is scarier than almost anything Mark can think of.

*  
He does not want to drive his car off a cliff in real life.

*  
Metaphorically, perhaps, he can do it.

*  
Hassan is grading papers in his office when he knocks.

*  
The building is pretty empty.

*  
Campus is quiet.

*  
No one else is in his office.

*  
He has on a black button down.

*  
There is a chalk smudge on his sleeve.

*  
He is wearing his nice shoes, and he has a duffel bag with him.

*  
When Mark comes into the room he sits up straighter, rather than shrinking into himself.

*  
These are the moments when Mark is starting to see what Theresa means when she talks about reacting.

*  
They do not have history between them, he and Hassan.

*  
And for all that he thinks about history, he likes it only when it is distant.

*  
When nothing remains but a facing wall and some shards of cooking pots.

*  
Bones.

*  
Burial mounds.

*  
Tablets.

*  
Fragments of the past unearthed from sand and dust.

*  
They end up in museums, or photographed in books.

*  
They are not new.

*  
They do not stink of death.

*  
All the horrible things that happen in the world nowadays are too recent to be history.

*  
There are wars, genocides, famines.

*  
Recent history leaves scars etched into people's skin.

*  
It is scary.

*  
It is a thing, like another thing.

*  
There are common properties.

*  
But it is deeper than just that.

*  
It is a thing that makes no sense, but also makes sense.

*  
On a level that is deeper than thinking.

*  
Mark is surprised, because he has tried so hard to understand with his brain, and his brain almost never fails him.

*  
Almost.

*  
"You ready to go?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"How was class?"

"Not so bad. Shitty attendance, though. You should hear the excuses."

"I hope no one killed off their own grandmother."

"Nah. Two cases of 'acute food poisoning,' though."

"They should just give you today off."

"I couldn't agree more."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Does this door lock?"

"Supposedly."

"Let's put a chair in front of it, just to be sure."

"We'll be late."

"Then we'll be late."

*  
The coastal road is windy.

*  
The fog rolls in at dusk.

*  
It is dark with clouds.

*  
There are a lot of crashing waves.

*  
They have to drive very slowly.

*  
They are, as a matter of course, quite late.

*  
Very late.

*  
Mark is concerned about safety.

*  
He always has been concerned about safety.

*  
That is why he does not text while he drives, or have unprotected sex with strangers, or do street drugs, or binge drink.

*  
It is not about rules, or what you should or should not do.

*  
It is just not worth the risk, is all.

*  
Frankly, it did not seem super safe to let Hassan drive the car on the coastal highways.

*  
He never drives.

*  
And those are some windy-ass roads.

*  
At nightfall?

*  
In the fog?

*  
Hell no.

*  
"Do you want me to take a shift?"

"It's okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't you sick of driving by now?"

"I don't mind."

"I won't wreck your car."

"I believe you."

"Then why won't you let me drive your car?"

"You can drive the car whenever you want to. Just maybe not under these particular circumstances."

"Whatever."

*  
Silence.

*  
"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

*  
Mark does not know what people are always doing this.

*  
This is the dumbest fucking thing.

*  
When everything is clearly not _fine._

*  
They are always doing that.

*  
Mark knows that he does not pick up on social cues.

*  
When someone asks a question, but they don't actually want an answer to that question, they want to know something else entirely?

*  
When they say _how are you?_ and they don't really expect an actual answer?

*  
Hassan calls them _discourse pragmatics._

*  
Whatever the fuck those are.

*  
He is so smart.

*  
And usually pretty happy.

*  
It is so obvious sometimes that things are not _fine._

*  
Why, then, say something untrue?

*  
Mark does not do this.

*  
This is a big part of the reason he is not so great at dating.

*  
Dating is all this.

*  
Mostly just this.

*  
Flirting is even worse.

*  
Constantly worrying about _what does that mean?_

*  
It's fucking exhausting.

*  
Not to mention his problems, he knows, with relinquishing control.

*  
Mark has a very difficult time doing that.

*  
Except for sex.

*  
That is always not as hard.

*  
Because it is so totally different.

*  
In every other aspect of his life, Mark has to be in control.

*  
He has to know what is going on with everything, to make sure it goes the way it should.

*  
And he does not like to mix that up with getting off.

*  
Those are different things.

*  
For the most part, he likes to keep those things separate.

*  
It is just simpler, for the most part.

*  
The drive is too quiet for a long time.

*  
His neck has a crick in it and he has to use the toilet.

*  
They get in after eleven.

*  
The coastal drive was terrifying.

*  
They do not have any time to talk because everyone else is there.

*  
There is fancy cheese and fancy wine and a fire in the fireplace.

*  
They don't hang out for very long.

*  
Mark needs to sleep.

*  
Their room is upstairs, with a big bed and an attached bathroom.

*  
He waits until they have changed and brushed their teeth to say anything.

*  
It could be anything.

*  
He could be upset about any number of things, not just the car.

*  
That is what relationships are.

*  
Lots of things to get upset about.

*  
Mark is worried, because he is not thrilled to make anyone upset.

*  
He probably talked about Eduardo too much.

*  
That was probably a bad idea.

*  
Like, he feels like a dick, because it is not polite to love more than one person at once.

*  
That is a lousy thing to do.

*  
It makes him feel like a bad person.

*  
Dustin is all grumpy.

*  
He is also saying that things are fine, but Mark is not retarded, okay?

*  
He does not believe him.

*  
"I'm sorry about before."

"What about?"

"The car."

"The car?"

"Are you mad about something?"

"No, not particularly."

"Oh."

"Why do you ask?"

"I thought you were angry with me."

"Um, no?"

"No?"

"I mean, for what?"

"For not letting you drive."

Hassan snorts through his nose.

"Maybe very slightly."

"Well, I'm sorry."

"No need."

"No?"

"Nah."

"We can go to the coast on Friday, you can drive then."

"That'll work."

*  
There is another part to the apology, as well.

*  
Mark enjoys that even more.

*  
There is a headboard to brace himself against.

*  
It's just a fact.

*  
He's not so great at relinquishing control.

*  
Not usually.

*  
It is late and they are both worn out from the drive and the arguing.

*  
They do it, though.

*  
The way Mark likes it.

*  
Maybe seventy percent of the time, this is how they do it.

*  
The other thirty percent they do it the other way around.

*  
Mark is less ashamed than he used to be.

*  
Not so long ago he would have said, if you asked him, candidly, that girls are the ones who get fucked, and guys do the fucking.

*  
Ergo.

*  
Ipso facto.

*  
QED.

*  
That makes Mark _kind of a girl._

*  
But that is dumb.

*  
That is a silly way to think.

*  
Not only because it does not matter, really, who is doing the penetrating, but because sex is all over the place, even with normal boy-girl couples.

*  
There are plenty of straight dudes who let girls peg them.

*  
Because of the prostate.

*  
Which is a glorious thing.

*  
Like, so incredible.

*  
Hence the need to mix it up.

*  
Everyone needs a chance to feel that.

*  
Mark would have given just about anything for Eduardo to nail him exactly like this.

*  
That is not what Eduardo liked to do, though.

*  
Sure.

*  
It was fine.

*  
Making Eduardo feel good was the best thing ever.

*  
It wasn't even that he was _submissive_ or whatever.

*  
Just that he had no fight left in him.

*  
No spark.

*  
He was always so still, and quiet.

*  
And he kind of just lay there.

*  
Like a very sexy fish or something.

*  
Mark feels bad that he did not like that as much as he likes this.

*  
But boy, he _really_ likes this.

*  
Mark needs someone else to be in control once in a while.

*  
To fuck his brain quiet.

*  
And it just feels good.

*  
It feels _so good._

*  
A million times better than jerking off.

*  
Which for ages was all he got to do, because he has had problems.

*  
He's never been stupid about anything -- but he did have problems.

*  
The problems weren't with the sex, though.

*  
It was all the other shit, the _self-esteem_ and _guilt issues_ and _internalized shame._

*  
Hence he cannot fuck around so much.

*  
The problem is the fucking around.

*  
Not the sex.

*  
It is totally fine to like sex.

*  
And Mark, it must be said, likes having sex a whole lot.

*  
What is so wrong with that?

*  
Nothing, frankly.

*  
Mark has tried to stop feeling so ashamed.

*  
Not like he is chatting about it over brunch or whatever, with his friends.

*  
He likes his private life to be private.

*  
Because, ew.

*  
Sean knows, and they talk sometimes.

*  
Mark can tell Sean things.

*  
Theresa, of course, knows stuff as well.

*  
She knows plenty of things, even more than Sean.

*  
That is a safe place.

*  
She is not coming over for dinner or anything.

*  
Theresa is a paid professional with a confidentiality clause.

*  
Clare is cool with stuff, but it is a little gross to talk to her, because she tells Dustin everything, more or less, even though she says she doesn't.

*  
(She does.)

*  
Dustin and Mark don't talk about that stuff.

*  
Mark would rather not talk about buttsex with Dustin, like, ever, in his life.

*  
That would be like talking to Randi about buttsex.

*  
Ew.

*  
He knows Dustin and Clare have to do it, too.

*  
Max is the proof of that.

*  
But they are like his family.

*  
Gross.

*  
There is always a power struggle between them.

*  
Like he said, they are both pushy people.

*  
Neither one of them wants to fold that easily.

*  
That is, for Mark at least, a whole lot of the fun.

*  
Most of the fun.

*  
"Oh, Christ."

"That good?"

"Harder."

"Sorry?"

"Fuck me harder, you fucking bastard."

"What, like this?"

"Jesus."

*  
They might be a little bit louder than they should be.

*  
Just a bit.

*  
With a hand pressing down on the back of his neck, arms outstretched, hands grabbing the slats of the bedframe?

*  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"That good?"

"Faster, faster."

"Yeah?"

"Fuck, yes."

*  
He is a little worried that they will wake everyone up.

*  
They don't fight, ever, really.

*  
Not like arguing fighting.

*  
But they sometimes fuck like a fight.

*  
They are both kind of pushy.

*  
There is biting and scratching.

*  
There is hair-pulling.

*  
Mark cannot really get enough of that.

*  
It's not like kinky porn, with ropes or leather or whatever.

*  
They just push one another around on the giant bed and Mark gets his hair pulled and his mouth chewed on until his lower lip splits in the middle.

*  
"You're going to wake everyone up."

"I don't fucking care."

"No?"

"No."

*  
He doesn't, at the time.

*  
The house is made of redwood or something.

*  
They need a fucking soundproofed room, next time, maybe.

*  
Mark can hear himself.

*  
He sounds ragged, wheezy.

*  
There is a reddish brown smear on the sheets from where his mouth has rubbed back and forth against them, bleeding.

*  
"You close?"

"Oh hell yes."

"You wanna come like that?"

"Jesus -- fuck, fuck."

"Yeah?"

"No, shit, on my back. Fuck me on my back."

"Turn the fuck over, then."

*  
Well.

*  
That's also super hot.

*  
Even though he knows he probably has a stupid-looking o-face.

*  
This way he can rub himself off with one hand, and touch Hassan's stomach with the other.

*  
He is so fucking sexy.

*  
His waist is slightly thickened from drinking beer.

*  
His skin looks like maple syrup.

*  
He is not squeamish.

*  
Like Mark, he's actually pretty dirty.

*  
And Mark is pretty fucking dirty.

*  
"I--"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, God yes."

"Do it."

*  
Like he said.

*  
The prostate is a glorious thing.

*  
"Fuck, that's so hot."

"You don't have to stop."

"I'm not."

"Oh."

"This cool?"

*  
Like he even has to ask.

*  
"Fuck, I want you to."

"Yeah?"

"Please."

"Oh, Christ."

*  
They should probably shower after.

*  
Of course they don't.

*  
In Anatolia, Mark had no problems falling asleep covered in drying come.

*  
Although it did get itchy after a day in the sun.

*  
Other people could probably smell sex on him.

*  
And he was not ashamed in the slightest.

*  
Whatever.

*  
It's just jizz.

*  
They wake up together in a really big bed.

*  
Today is Thursday.

*  
"Morning."

"Hey."

"Hey. You sleep okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Like the fucking dead."

*  
Mark can hear people stirring downstairs.

*  
He can smell coffee.

*  
And turkey.

*  
Because it is Thanksgiving.

*  
A holiday.

*  
They are at the beach.

*  
This is not one of the three beds he is used to sleeping in.

*  
"It's really quiet at night. Hell, it's quiet now."

"You can hear the ocean."

"Love that."

"I think there's coffee."

"Yeah, in a sec."

*  
His stomach is itchy and he has woken up with a boner.

*  
That's pretty standard.

*  
He is an adult human male.

*  
Standard.

*  
Mark is pretty lazy in the mornings.

*  
When he was single he would jerk off first thing, trying to move only his hand, and that only as little as possible, so he could stay snuggled up in half-sleep a little longer.

*  
Lazy stroking.

*  
This is, of course, better.

*

When the other thirty percent of the sex happens it is mostly like this.

*  
Not the hard way, the way that is basically like doing a couple hundred push-ups right in a row.

*  
That is exhausting.

*  
When Hassan sits on him, though.

*  
Well.

*  
He can lie back with his head in his hands and just chill.

*  
Obviously he gets to look.

*  
Mark likes to look.

*  
He likes to look and touch a little, but mostly just watch, his eyes still heavy with sleep, but waking up as his blood starts to stir.

*  
Hassan has stubble in the mornings, like when they were in Turkey.

*  
His hair is so messy, curling up at the edges.

*  
He always looks like he needs a haircut, just this side of shaggy.

*  
His arms are fantastic, from all the digging.

*  
His stomach is, of course, amazing.

*  
His thighs are nice, too.

*  
He has very attractive hipbones.

*  
His eyes always seem to drift to Hassan's right hip, because it is very nice, and because he has a tattoo there, in Arabic script.

*  
Mark does not know what it says.

*  
He has a couple, different places, just in plain black ink.

*  
They're actually kind of ugly.

*  
But, like, not?

*  
So that is where his eyes go, and his fingertips, when Hassan is on top of him.

*  
It is so fucking sexy.

*  
"Hold still, hold still."

"I'm not even moving."

"Oh, shit."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Good?"

"Goddamn, Mark."

"God, you love that, don't you?"

"Good, yeah?"

"Fuck yeah, babe, you are so fucking hot."

"God, Mark, you feel incredible."

"Jesus, so do you, Hassan."

"Faster?"

"Anything you want."

*  
They do have to take a shower, after that.

*  
They are, of course, late to breakfast.

*  
Whatever.

*  
They are on vacation.

*  
Everyone has drifted in different directions by the time they make it downstairs.

*  
The turkey is roasting.

*  
It smells amazing.

*  
Everything is pretty much perfect.

*  
His lip is still sore.

*  
So is his butt.

*  
That makes him smile.

*  
Although his sister is staying in the house, and that is weird.

*  
Everyone else besides her is a couple.

*  
Mark has heard the sex noises of all these other people, at one time or another.

*  
That thought makes his ears go red.

*  
Thanksgiving is a technology-free day, so everyone keeps their phone and stuff off.

*  
That was Clare's rule.

*  
Sean agreed.

*  
Randi agreed.

*  
Even Mark agreed with her.

*  
It is nice to not have his phone on.

*  
 _Family time_ is what Dustin calls it.

*  
So no one can use their phone, unless there is an emergency.

*  
Which is good.

*  
Because sometimes Mark goes into the bathroom and looks at what people have written on Eduardo's wall.

*  
Just a couple of times a week, out of curiosity.

*  
Or pictures.

*  
And his boyfriend's page.

*  
He looks all handsome and sophisticated and Mark is just a dumb geek from Dobbs Ferry who looks eighteen even though he is thirty years old.

*  
Mark hates him.

*  
And he hates himself, for looking.

*  
He knows he's not supposed to.

*  
With his stupid _compulsive tendencies._

*  
But it's so easy.

*  
It's right there.

*  
Mark suspects he might be a masochist.

*  
Because even though he is so happy, he has to keep looking at that stuff, which immediately makes him so angry.

*  
It still, every time, makes him angry.

*  
Not with Eduardo.

*  
Not with stupid Peter stupid Andrews.

*  
With himself.

*  
So it is good that there are no phones.

*  
Mark did not invent facebook so that he could cyber-stalk Eduardo fucking Saverin while hanging out with other people.

*  
That is totally pathetic.

*  
Totally.

*  
Mark has a hang-up.

*  
He cannot let go yet.

*  
He could change his mind again, maybe.

*  
Maybe.

*

He might.

*  
Probably not.

*  
But maybe.

*  
That's so awful.

*  
It sucks so bad.

*  
Because when you make _choices_ , those have _consequences._

*  
And you can't ever go back and change things.

*  
You make choices.

*  
Ergo.

*  
Ipso facto.

*  
QED.

*  
Consequences.

*  
That's it.

*  
That is all there is.

*  
For all the million sorry's and the million billion I love you's the choices do not change, nor do the consequences.

*  
Jesus.

*  
That sucks.

*  
That sucks so fucking hard, like worse than anything in the whole world.

*  
Mark is sad, but he tries not to be upset, because he is in a huge redwood house with a hot tub and a giant tv and his friends cooking a shitload of food and they are by the ocean.

*  
Super nice.

*  
And yet.

*  
Mark knows because of choices, because of consequences, he does not deserve to be happy.

*  
He should be doing penance, still.

*  
For forever.

*  
For fucking betrayal.

*  
Ugh.

*  
Everyone is doing various things in the kitchen.

*  
They help too.

*  
Cooking is fun, and becomes even more fun when they start drinking wine.

*  
There is a lot of laughing.

*  
Hassan has made them put football on, which he is seriously, the only person interested in.

*  
No one else knows anything about football, or if they do, they certainly don't care.

*  
Who cares about football?

*  
"Michiganders care about football, okay?"

"Michiganders?"

"You heard me correctly."

"That is just ridiculous."

*  
They chop vegetables.

*  
The onions make his eyes water.

*  
Then everything has to cook for a while.

*  
They sit on the deck and smoke pot.

*  
Except for Clare, who stays inside with Max.

*  
She is already ready to not be pregnant any more.

*  
"I cannot wait until I can pump and have a glass of wine. It's going to be amazing."

*  
She is funny, the way she says things.

*  
There is a ton of food, and a ton of wine.

*  
Thanksgiving is seriously the best holiday ever.

*  
All the food, and no family, so no guilt.

*  
Well, maybe not totally.

*  
Self-inflicted guilt.

*  
That's the holiday spirit.

*  
Sean and Chris do the dishes.

*  
Dustin puts Max down for a nap.

*  
Clare and Randi go for a walk.

*  
Mark tries to watch football, but he falls asleep with his head in Hassan's lap.

*  
Football is indescribably dull.

*  
And slow.

*  
Nothing happens.

*  
They all walk down to watch the sun set.

*  
It is windy, and kind of cold.

*  
Mark likes the ocean so much.

*  
He also likes the desert.

*  
Maybe it is because he is a Semite.

*  
Maybe it is in his blood.

*  
"That sounds like base cultural essentialism to me, I'll have you know."

"I'm just saying, the desert is nice."

"Yeah, it is."

*  
Maybe not mountains.

*  
Mark has a lot of other places he thinks they should see, first.

*  
Morocco, Egypt, Tunisia, Mongolia.

*  
All deserts.

*  
The other Thanksgiving tradition is movie watching.

*  
Everyone picks one thing, and no one can veto anything, or say anything mean about their choice.

*  
On Thursday Dustin picks _Serenity_ and on Friday Chris picks _All the President's Men_ , Clare picks _Volver_ and Randi makes them watch a cheerleading movie, with that one hot girl from Buffy.

*  
It's not that bad.

*  
They sit side-by-side during the first movie, and by the third one they are all tangled up, together.

*  
Hassan rubs Mark's head, which makes him sleepy, and also happy.

*  
His head probably has a lot of nerve endings.

*  
It kind of relaxes his brain, too.

*  
"She's Armenian."

"Have you been there?"

"Where, to Armenia?"

"Yeah."

"Not yet, but I know some people on the Ararat project."

"So?"

"I mean, yeah, definitely Armenia."

*  
Mark adds this to the list.

*  
He wants to ask, when they are alone, if he can take them somewhere.

*  
Like, he will pay for it.

*  
Over Christmas, when Hassan has a break from classes.

*  
Not anything super fancy, because that would just make them both feel weird.

*  
A regular flight to somewhere cool, and cheap.

*  
Dusty.

*  
Bright.

*  
Who cares if he gets a sunburn?

*  
Maybe he'll buy a second baseball cap, for the sun.

*  
For Armenia.

*  
Or Jordan.

*  
Maybe not Israel, and definitely not Syria.

*  
There are plenty of places, where the buildings are old and white and there are donkeys in the streets.

*  
Places with bright sun and the smell of lamb, and no internet.

*  
Dustin is a little less weird, as the weekend goes on.

*  
Dustin is someone Mark has never had to work with.

*  
Things with him are so easy.

*  
Always easy.

*  
He makes Mark laugh, and they get one another, and with Dustin it is not hard.

*  
Mark is good at not really paying attention.

*  
So when he has to pay attention, with Dustin, he knows things are off.

*  
Clare sends Dustin and Mark out to bring in more firewood.

*  
She asks Hassan to help her in the kitchen, where she and Randi are making turkey hash.

*  
That is clearly a ploy about something.

*  
They go outside and Mark knows things are weird. He knows something is up.

*  
"Is something wrong?" he asks.

*  
Dustin is kind of quiet.

*  
The moon is bright, and the ocean is loud, and Dustin, of all people, is quiet.

*  
On the way back to the house from the shed, he says, almost in a whisper, "I miss you, Mark."

*  
He starts to say he is sorry, because he is, of course, sorry, but Dustin just keeps going, talking over him, and all Mark can do is listen.

*  
"Just, you haven't been around, like, at all, and you keep _missing_ stuff, like with Max and now with the baby on the way, and we're already finished with all seven seasons of Buffy and I thought you were going to be in Palo Alto more and you're never around, and Chris is always off doing his political thing, and I just wish it could be the way it was, sometimes, with all of us, like Harvard time, or something, I don't even know, that's probably not cool to say, even though everything is great, and Hassan seems really good, and I know you like him, but like, who even _is_ he and what do you even know about him because seriously, Mark, I don't want you to go through what you did with -- well, with before, and you're not hanging out with us, as much, and how are we supposed to know if something goes wrong, again?"

*  
"Are you done?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel better now?"

"I think so."

"I'm sorry, for being a flake, okay? I'll be around more, I promise. And you're right. But, Dustin," and here he pauses, "the -- the other stuff."

*  
He cannot see Dustin's face fully. It is lit by the lights from the house and the shed and the moon and the stars.

*  
It is so nice out here.

*  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have --"

"No, it's cool. I don't know yet, okay?"

"Okay."

"It'll be fine, Dustin, I swear."

*  
Unspoken, still, is _it'll be different this time._

*  
It will be.

*  
Mark knows it is different this time.

*  
Because he doesn't have anything to atone for, this time around.

*  
He has not, like Theresa has said, violated anyone's trust.

*  
That was the hurting someone first thing.

*  
That is what Eduardo did, this time around.

*  
 _"I'm sorry, Mark, I really am truly sorry."_

 _"I thought you loved me."_

 _"Of course I love you. It's not about that. It's never been about that."_

 _"What, then?"_

 _"I don't trust you."_

 _"Can't you try?"_

*  
He could have tried harder, probably.

*  
Things are better, after Dustin says all that.

*  
He and Hassan play with Max, who is loving all the attention he is getting.

*  
He is a ham, like Dustin.

*  
On Saturday they watch the second _Terminator_ (Mark) and then _Charade_ (Sean) and watch Hassan's choice, which is _The Big Lebowski._

*  
"You've seriously never seen this?"

"I really haven't, I swear."

"Don't listen to him," Dustin says, from the far side of the other couch. "It was back at Kirkland, Mark, remember?"

*  
Mark doesn't remember all that much.

*  
That was such a crazy time.

*  
He has never been addicted to anything, but those years have big chunks missing, too, like with a drunk person.

*  
Shit he barely remembers doing.

*  
Conversations he barely remembers having.

*  
Strangers he barely remembers blowing.

*  
Not the best time.

*  
And yet also the very best time, in its own way.

*  
Before all the complications, and all the feelings, and all the preemptive _hurting someone else before they can hurt you, this is what you do, Mark, can you see that?_

*  
Ugh.

*  
"This movie is awesome, though, it bears rewatching."

"I trust you."

"It's like a meditation on existentialism."

"That's a good thing?"

"I thought you said you trusted me."

*  
They smoke a bunch of pot, away from Max, of course, on Friday and Saturday, and eat pie for breakfast and leftovers from their one huge meal for two days straight.

*  
There are more movies.

*  
Naps.

*  
Sex.

*  
Pictionary.

*  
Sandwiches.

*  
Walks on the beach.

*  
Talking, too, on the beach, which they walk down to.

*  
In addition to the desert, Mark likes the ocean.

*  
It is so deep.

*  
Practically infinite.

*  
Dark and full of unexplored mystery.

*  
He can watch the waves, and for him that is as close as it gets, to religion.

*  
"I thought you were an academic, aren't you supposed to be a secular godless liberal?"

"I'm all those things, you know that."

"Then what do you mean?"

"Durkheim said that religion is the reified projection of periodic collective social effervescence."

"The what now?"

"It means the only god is social energy, externalized."

"I can't tell if that's brilliant or totally stupid."

"It's probably both."

"So you believe in God, then?"

"I think there's no reason we can't have pretty names for things we don't understand. The world has to have magic in it, somehow, still."

"I don't get it."

"Stop trying to, Mark. No one gets it."

*  
He doesn't get it.

*  
Maybe he isn't meant to.

*  
That is probably okay, as well.

*  
They do not manage to have sex on the beach.

*  
They make out in the grass and Mark gets sand in the hood of his sweatshirt.

*  
It's pretty great.

*  
Mark has a feeling, in his stomach, that maybe they will do this again sometime in the future.

*  
He is thinking ahead.

*  
About the ocean, where they are now, and the desert, where they will go again.

*  
Everyone gets in different cars, and Mark drives the two of them back to San Francisco.

*  
"If I were a betting man I'd say you're not comfortable with contradictions."

"But you don't bet."

*

Mark has to concentrate on the road for a little while.

*  
The ocean is right there.

*  
Just like the desert, it could swallow you whole.

*  
"Do people bet on camels?"

"What people?"

"Like, in places where they have camels. Instead of horses, or what have you."

"People will bet on anything that moves. Even some things that don't."

"So is there camel racing?"

"I assume so."

"Huh."

"They're mean, though, camels. And they spit."

*  
They stop at a doughnut place just inland off Highway 101.

*  
Hassan gets a giant coffee.

*  
They buy way too many.

*  
"Those things are like crack."

"I don't even know how you're still eating."

"Neither do I, Mark. Oww."

*  
Mark makes a mental note, for the next time, to not buy so many different things.

*  
Even though he can.

*  
He drops Hassan off at his own apartment.

*  
They kiss goodbye.

*  
Mark will miss him.

*  
They will talk, and email, and chat.

*  
Hassan has to go to a meeting of the American Anthropological Association in San Diego and he has not yet written his paper.

*  
He is, as he says, _stressing hardcore._

*  
Mark drops him off, and makes sure he takes the rest of the doughnuts with him.

*  
"Will I see you before you leave?"

"My flight's not until the evening."

"Wednesday?"

"No, Thursday."

"Cool."

*  
Mark drives back to Silicon Valley.

*  
He is alone in the car, and then alone in his house, for the first time in about a week.

*  
He does not feel lonely.

*  
He is by himself, but he feels okay.

*  
Hm.

*  
There is Mountain Dew in the fridge, and then emails and internet.

*  
Perhaps a bit of a binge, on the internet, with the tv on in the background.

*  
Hassan has DVR'd a bunch of Law and Order reruns.

*  
He watches TV so many years after it is broadcast, and it is all pretty new to him.

*  
He does not have a lot of time for TV watching.

*  
Dustin was appalled to hear that he had never seen the first two seasons of _Angel._

*  
They are supposed to do that, all together, sometime after the AAAs.

*  
Mark is glad.

*  
He hates it when things are complicated.

*  
He scrolls down the page to see what other people have been up to, over the holiday.

*  
Lots of food, and faces.

*  
Eduardo is in Florida.

*  
Mark is totally a masochist for looking.

*  
Very occasionally he will pretty much torture himself, by thinking about Eduardo having sex with the man in lots of his pictures.

*  
He knows, in his brain, that this is not healthy and kind of creepy but he does it anyways.

*  
For years he has felt very lonely, without Eduardo -- who he always had to say sorry to, because there was hurt in his face.

*  
Mark has spent a lot of the time over the years trying to match the faces Eduardo makes with the things he thinks Eduardo is feeling.

*  
Happy.

*  
Confused.

*  
Drunk.

*  
Relaxed.

*  
Sad.

*  
In these pictures, he does not look sad, and Mark knows that is a good thing.

*  
He knows that not starting every day from a place of _sorry_ is good for then both.

*  
It is like eroding rock facings with water and sand, drop by drop and grain by grain.

*  
It wears you down.

*  
That week passes slowly.

*  
He works a lot, and goes over to Dustin and Clare's, in the evenings.

*  
It is not good for him to be alone when he feels sad from looking at the pictures of not-sad Eduardo.

*  
Theresa tells him this during their session.

*  
On Thursday he and Hassan meet in San Francisco.

*  
For sex followed by tacos.

*  
Then a ride to the airport.

*  
In between there is a conversation about the winter break.

*  
"I have to stay through the seventh, though."

"Of January?"

"Epiphany, yeah. For my mom."

*  
Mark is not pleased about this. He only has ten days free after that.

*  
"Morocco?"

"If you want."

"Yeah, of course."

"Really?"

"Totally."

*  
They hug goodbye, at the airport.

*  
Mark drops him at the curb, and they hug.

*  
In public.

*  
"Good luck with your talk."

"Isn't that bad luck?"

"Not unless you're an actor, I think."

"Thanks, then."

"Bye."

"Bye."

*  
Mark is alone, again, but he does not feel lonely.

*  
This night he does go home, though, and sits by the pool, drinking beer.

*  
Maybe he is not a masochist, really, but his brain likes to replay all these terrible moments.

*  
Just in case he gets too happy.

*  
Stupid.

*  
 _"I'm just so lonely without you, Wardo."_

 _"Mark, seriously, Please don't say that. I can't hear that."_

 _"But it's true."_

 _"It's not true for me."_

 _"I don't understand."_

*  
Stupid Eduardo with his eyes and his mouth and his goddamned hair, telling Mark things that made his own eyes water.

*  
Mark has cried, in his life, like a grand total of a dozen times.

*  
It is pretty pointless to cry.

*  
 _"I feel lonelier when I'm with you than when I'm alone, Mark."_

*  
And that, right there, hurt the most.

*  
More than _because you're an asshole_ more than _your only friend_ that - -

*  
\- - like a punch in the sternum, that.

*  
That made Mark cry.

*  
Awesome.

*  
When he goes to get online, later that night, he has a message from Hassan.

*  
 _Wondering if you want to fly out of Detroit? It's international, and we can drive there from Dearborn._

*  
Mark reads this three times to see if it means what he thinks it means.

*  
 _That sounds good. I'll email you some options later tonight._

*  
It is much better to book a trip than to cry again.

*  
Like, infinitely fucking better.


	5. Chapter 5

*  
Planning gives Mark something to do, so he stops dwelling on the bad stuff, for a day or so.

*  
It rolls off a little easier.

*  
It is when he is the most happy that he knows he will think bad thoughts pretty much right after, just out of the blue.

*  
Sometimes about Eduardo, sure, but other stuff, as well.

*  
Stuff like _I'm supposed to take care of Max if Clare and Dustin both die in some horrible tragic way._

*  
Or _what if my parents split up because it turns out my father has been having an affair for ten years?_

*  
Or _why do they have to kill baby seals in Canada, that's horrible._

*  
Or _what if people stop liking facebook?_

*  
That last one is already kind of happening.

*  
facebook is no longer exclusive, but it has reached its maximum saturation among North American users, who are dropping off just as the numbers escalate all throughout Asia and the Middle East.

*  
China.

*  
They still really want to get China.

*  
That would be amazing.

*  
He would be like, Nixon or something.

*  
 _China._

*  
Anyways.

*  
On Sunday there is brunch, with friends, and a fencing lesson just for him.

*  
Clare is way too pregnant to do that anymore.

*  
They go out, that evening, just the two of them, to look for books, while Dustin stays home with Max.

*  
"I'm not sure he's old enough to understand _Dollhouse_ , conceptually, hon."

"It's never too early, Clare. He's going to have a lot of questions about his sister's namesake, is my thinking."

*  
Dustin has picked out a name for the baby, which Clare is not entirely on board with.

*  
They go look at the baby name books for a little while.

*  
Mark looks at the Arabic names, and the Hebrew names, and the English ones.

*  
He looks for points of overlap, phonetic variations of the same things, from the first monotheistic religions.

*  
It's amazing, nomenclature.

*  
Like this other way of seeing history.

*  
 _Harun = Aharon = Aaron_

*  
Mark has a cousin on his father's side, named Aaron.

*  
And another cousin named Jacob, which is more or less the same as Yaqub, which is Hassan's father's name.

*  
He adds a couple of the baby name books to his basket.

*  
Clare thinks this is hilarious and adorable, and then they go look at the travel section.

*  
"I don't know, Mark, the Lonely Planet guides used to be really good, but they must have changed editors or something, cause all their recs got super yuppie, you know?"

"Maybe I should buy all of them."

"You do not need all of these -- okay, this one is meant for retired white people. What is this? Frommer's? Who the hell uses Frommer's anymore?"

"So I don't get that one, maybe."

"Not all of those."

"No?"

"That's like, fifteen books, Mark."

*  
He only buys half of them there, but he gets the rest electronically, once he is at home, so Clare does not make fun of him too much.

*  
He looks at Google Earth instead of facebook, before he goes to sleep.

*  
He picks Hassan up from the airport on Monday evening.

*  
He has missed him.

*  
"How did the talk go?"

"It was okay, but our discussant was such a goddamn prick."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he was all 'sorry you ran over, but I have a dinner reservation, so, later.'"

"Is that bad?"

"Well, it was kind of a dick move. Although that girl I said I was worried about--"

"--the one from Yale?"

"--yeah, her. She went so damn long, we didn't even have time for questions."

"That sounds bad."

"Whatever, the AAAs are a clusterfuck anyways. It's mostly about networking for getting a job or whatever."

*  
Mark hopes Hassan does not get a job anywhere except for in the Bay Area.

*  
Santa Cruz would be okay.

*  
Maybe Monterey.

*  
"Can we go to your place first?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Did you want to eat?"

"Pizza?"

"Fuck, yes, that sounds amazing."

*  
The drive takes both forever and no time at all, and then Mark is parallel parking on a not-too steep hill.

*  
"We should bring your stuff up."

"I just want to get my laptop out, is all."

"You don't want your suitcase?"

"My laundry stinks anyways."

"Oh, okay."

*  
Mark phones in a pizza order.

*  
They have about half an hour until it arrives.

*  
They make pretty good use of that half an hour.

*  
They end up on the floor.

*  
Mark's shoulderblades sting from scraping across the carpet, which only looks soft.

*

It is deceptive.

*  
Hassan takes a really fast shower while Mark goes downstairs to meet the delivery guy, and when he comes back, he is wearing one of his t-shirts, the one with the sloth on it.

*  
The neck is all stretched out and it makes Mark feel funny inside.

*  
That is a very old shirt, maybe one of the oldest ones he has around still.

*  
For a long time Chris kept threatening to set fire to Mark's wardrobe, and after a while he conceded -- because he is, like, the public face of the company, like it or not, so he has to be interviewed and give presentations and go on tv, or whatever, and it would not, as Chris said kill him to wear a shirt without weird words on it.

*  
Chris was right, and he and Sean took him shopping, which was horrible.

*  
Shopping is awful.

*  
Trying things on -- taking off pants and putting on pants and then taking them off and then putting more pants on until he would just rather never wear pants ever again -- is just so dull.

*  
Mark would rather take a nap, or swim, or take the car for an oil change, or even go to the dentist (fuck, he needs to go to the dentist), Mark would rather do any of that stuff than shop.

*  
And when they went back to Mark's house, loaded down with shopping bags, and Sean said _well that was fun_ Mark wondered if he missed out on some special gay shopping chromosome.

*  
"You're wearing my shirt."

"Do you mind?"

"No, course not."

*  
Mark brought a lot of his old clothes to the San Francisco place, where he does not usually wear the Gap button-downs and jeans that he does at the office, now.

*  
It looks pretty lazy to be CEO and to wear sweatpants to meetings with shareholders.

*  
But when he is at home, watching tv or whatever, you can bet your ass he's not wearing anything but sweatpants.

*

Just the sweatpants.

*  
"Do you like shopping?"

"For what?"

"Clothes and stuff."

"I like thrift stores."

"You didn't answer the question."

"My mom buys my t-shirts in bulk from Sam's Club."

*  
His mother's name is Rafqa, which is like Rebecca.

*  
The pizza smells awesome.

*  
"Do you want a beer or a pop?"

"What time is it?"

"It's after six."

"Beer, please."

*  
They eat on the couch and Hassan tells Mark all about his paper, and his presentation, and seeing people, and the dinners he went to, and the contacts he made.

*  
He is so lovely.

*  
His name means _handsome._

*  
Mark has looked it up.

*  
It is true.

*  
It has been months, and he is not tired of looking at Hassan's face.

*  
Hassan is not tired of looking at _his_ face, which is much more surprising.

*  
Mark isn't the biggest fan of his face, but Hassan seems to like it enough to kiss it a whole bunch, after they eat and drink and talk and watch more _Law & Order._

*  
"I'm glad you're back."

"Mm, me too. This rug is probably going to have to be burned, though."

"That's sad. I think it really ties the room together."

*  
For the rest of December they are both busy.

*  
There are only two weeks of Hassan's semester left and he is busy _writingwritingwriting_ and _gradinggradinggrading_ in coffee shops, and on Mark's couch in San Francisco, and a couple of times in his glassed-in sunroom in Palo Alto.

*  
Mark circles things and makes a ton of notes in the margins of all his books.

*  
He makes lists.

*  
So many lists.

*  
Hassan is super busy, so Mark does not interrupt him while he is reading or writing or grading.

*  
There are books and piles of papers all over his end tables, in every place where he lives.

*  
"Shit."

"What?"

"It's almost ten and we haven't eaten yet."

"Is it really? Damn."

"What do you want to order?"

*  
They get Thai a lot, or Mexican.

*  
In Palo Alto they will take the car to pick up their food, and in San Francisco they walk.

*  
It only takes a couple of minutes more to get it delivered.

*  
It's a little break for them both.

*  
Mark nods off, in bed, reading his travel books.

*  
Hassan sits by the light and reads until late.

*  
Mark worries about his eyes.

*  
Hassan wears Mark's t-shirts home.

*  
Everything else is the same -- work and therapy, life and exercise.

*  
Friends, movies.

*  
"You've never seen _Casablanca_?"

"Is that that old one with the famous lines?"

"I'm concerned about your cinematic education."

"Are you saying you don't want to watch _Speed 2_?"

"Does anyone, really?"

*  
They watch _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_ instead.

*  
Petra is on the list of places Hassan would like to go.

*  
Mark would also like to go there.

*  
Dustin and Clare bring Max over, the Friday before they fly to Detroit, and they deal with a huge quantity of potatoes together.

*  
Then they watch _Casablanca_ , which is very beautiful, and extremely sad.

*  
It is a movie all about saying goodbye.

*  
Mark is not sure if he likes it.

*  
Goodbyes suck.

*  
When they stay in San Francisco he will walk Hassan to the BART station, and they will kiss goodbye, just a normal kiss, right there, on the street.

*  
It always makes Mark blush a little.

*  
He blushes when he tells Sean, over pints, that he is going to meet Hassan's family.

*  
Sean smiles, slow, and then punches Mark on the shoulder, lightly.

*  
"Look at you, Zuckerberg, meeting the parents."

"It's not just the parents, though, it's like, everybody."

"Big family?"

"Can I ask them to wear name tags?"

"It never hurts to ask."

"Really?"

"No. Just be your charmingly awkward self. They'll love you."

"What if I say something stupid?"

"Mark, people say stupid shit all the time. Just be nice to his sisters, especially. They're the ones who will vet you."

"My stomach hurts."

*  
The twinge in his stomach stays as he packs, and as he puts his suitcase in the trunk, and as he drives across the bridge once to Oakland (alone) and once back to the airport (not alone).

*  
Mark does not usually get too nervous, but about this, he is nervous.

*  
He wishes he could own a room like Sean Parker.

*  
Sean Parker is a little paunchier, maybe more crinkled around the eyes, but it suits him.

*  
He is still like Elvis or something.

*  
Sean is good at strategy.

*  
Sean knows he wants China.

*  
He's good at making things happen.

*  
He is even better at gliding like a shark, and going after what he wants.

*  
Girls, money, connections, whatever.

*  
Going out with Sean is like being in Vegas.

*  
That is not how Mark is at all.

*  
So his stomach hurts -- even though he buys a roll of Tums along with his magazines and candy, even though he drinks three gingerales on the plane (they fly coach; Mark upgrades them to the exit row), even though Hassan holds his hand while they land -- his stomach will not unclench.

*  
No one meets them at the baggage claim, because Mark has rented them a car.

*  
They both register as drivers, and when they get to the car Hassan takes the keys.

*  
"Okay?"

"Huh?"

"You look really out of it."

"It's just the forced air, in the cabin. My brain needs oxygen to function at full capacity."

"I still think you should let me drive, since I know my way around and all."

*  
Hassan drives.

*  
They drive past places that look like Beruit, and then places that look like Serbia, and then places that look like Long Island.

*  
Mark is nervous.

*  
Like, morning of the SATs nervous.

*  
He has been studying his ass off for this test.

*  
He wants to be prepared.

*  
He has learned the names of Maronite saints and scholars.

*  
He has read about the civil war and the Lebanese diaspora.

*  
He has read about the history of Detroit and its suburbs.

*  
He has a careful researched stance on Palestine.

*  
He is so fucking nervous.

*  
Like he might throw up, or shit himself.

*  
He does not notice that he is tapping his left foot, incessantly, until Hassan pulls them into a parking lot of a convenience store, and puts his hand on Mark's knee.

*  
"I'll be right back."

"Okay."

*  
Mark leans his head back on the headrest.

*  
The car smells like new car air freshener inside.

*  
It's a sort of toxic smell, but a nice one.

*  
Clare would call it toxic, because she is the kind of person who cleans her whole house with vinegar and lemon juice and mineral oil.

*  
Mark is the kind of person who will dump half a bottle of bleach down the toilet when it starts to look gross.

*  
That is why he still has a cleaning lady.

*  
A different one, Consuela, who is Luisa's neice.

*  
Luisa went back to Jalisco.

*  
Consuela is not as good with the chickens, but she is nice, and her English is much better.

*  
Mark can say some things in Spanish, but he hates to try.

*  
He sounds dumb enough in English.

*  
Of course he can read it.

*  
That was easy enough to learn.

*  
As was Turkish, for reading.

*  
Not talking, not saying anything besides _Hello_ and _Please_ and _Thank you_ and _How much_ and _One bottle of that_ accompanied by pointing.

*  
He is too embarrassed to try to say more than that.

*  
He still can't read Arabic.

*  
Oh shit.

*  
First here and then in Morocco Mark is going to be the only one who does not understand Arabic.

*  
 _Shit shit shit._

*  
It is exactly the same nauseating rush as forgetting to study something that the teacher promised would definitely be on the test.

*  
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

*  
He knew there was something he forgot to do.

*  
He is deep in a cycle of panicked thought when Hassan gets back in the car and hands him a Slurpee.

*  
"Here, I got you this."

"Thanks. You didn't have to."

*  
Mark sips at his Slurpee.

*  
"This is good."

"Half Coke, half cherry."

"Smart."

"I thought so."

*  
He puts his drink in the cupholder and puts his hand back on Mark's knee.

*  
He looks, for a second, like he is going to say something incredibly serious and deep.

*  
But instead he leans in and sort of brushes Mark's hair off his face and says, super quiet, "It's fine, okay, Mark?"

*  
Mark thinks he might throw up in his mouth a little from holding down all this rising panic.

*  
"Was I supposed to get them Christmas presents?" he blurts out.

*  
Hassan's mouth smiles on one side.

*  
"You bought me a plane ticket home, Mark. You don't need to get them anything."

*  
Mark is silent, taking all of this in.

*  
"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"You ready to go?"

"Can we just hang out here for a minute more?"

"Sure. Finish your Slurpee."

*  
Mark normally gets brain freeze from drinking too fast, but tonight he does not.

*  
He makes that Slurpee _last._

*  
Michigan is cold, much colder than California.

*  
It has snowed recently, and there are piles of dirty snow in the corners of the 7-11 parking lot.

*  
Mark has never met anyone's family before.

*  
Not anyone he was with, in that way.

*  
He met Eduardo's family during his freshman year, when they came for Parents' Weekend spring semester and took everyone out to dinner somewhere dimly lit and expensive.

*  
But they were not together like boyfriends, like this is.

*  
He is allowed to be nervous.

*  
That is normal.

*  
"You good?"

"I think so."

"It'll be fine, Mark. Just think of it as an exercise in cultural translation."

"Jesus, Hassan. Pretentious much?"

"Ah, there we go."

*  
Mark smiles, even though he is still nervous.

*  
They drive to a split-level house on a normal looking street.

*  
The sun has set early, because they are so far north and it is wintertime.

*  
Mark does not want to get out of the car.

*  
There are crimped marks from his teeth on the red straw where he has chewed on it, on both ends.

*  
He is about to suggest that maybe they would be more comfortable in a hotel when the lights flick on and a dog starts barking.

*  
The door opens and several people come out.

*  
It is dim and they are backlit, so he cannot see too well.

*  
He and Hassan get out of the car.

*  
Everyone is hugging.

*  
They are talking.

*  
Getting things from the car and carrying them in.

*  
Going up the steps and into the house, where a fluffy white dog is yapping and running in circles around Mark's feet.

*  
Talking in a language that he doesn't understand.

*  
Introductions in English.

*  
Hassan's father, who has white hair and a big mustache that is not white.

*  
His mother who is tiny, with hands that move like a bird.

*  
A younger brother, Elie, who is wearing track pants.

*  
His two younger sisters, Camille and Marie-Rose, who giggle.

*  
The dog, Paul, which yaps.

*  
Everyone is very friendly.

*  
They ask him a lot of questions, and tell one another things.

*  
They gesture a lot.

*  
Mark gets fed a whole lot of food.

*  
Hassan sits next to him at the kitchen table and keeps his hand on Mark's knee, which is comforting.

*  
His mother keeps giving them both more food, and Mark thinks he might explode, but he does not want to be rude.

*  
The hand stays on his knee, and then moves to the back of his neck, later.

*  
Mark never thought that someone touching him would calm him down.

*  
Normally it makes him jumpy, when people touch him.

*  
Everyone seems happy, and they all talk loudly over one another, and the women are constantly getting up and down, up and down.

*  
Hassan's father and brother both smoke, so they keep going out to the front porch, to smoke.

*  
The dog is a matter of some contention.

*  
It keeps being put in the garage, and then barking to be let out, and then being let back in.

*  
Everyone talks with their hands.

*  
The radio is on, too.

*  
Mark eats everything that is put in front of him, even the chicken, which he really tries not to eat anymore.

*  
Sometimes you cannot avoid it, though.

*  
Hassan laughs when his parents say something quickly, to one another, in Arabic, across the table.

*  
His sisters giggle into their palms, and Elie rolls his eyes.

*  
Mark's face is all hot, because they are probably talking about him.

*  
When his mother gets up for the tenth time and his sisters start clearing the table and his father and brother are smoking outside, Hassan smiles at Mark and mouths _Okay?_ at him and Mark nods.

*  
"You're doing awesome."

"Why did they laugh, though, just then?"

*  
Hassan shakes his head and then says, grinning "My mother says she's very glad that you eat meat, not like my vegan ex from college."

*  
Mark is sort of proud of himself for eating everything they fed him.

*  
He is awesome.

*  
He totally aced that part.

*  
Awesome.

*  
Unless something is going to make you die or be really ill, Mark thinks it is better not to cause any trouble.

*  
He does not like drawing attention, and he really hates making mistakes.

*  
"What is she saying now?"

"She wanted to know if you wanted coffee, but I told her no, that you don't drink it."

"I mean, I don't mind."

"You hate coffee."

"I'm sure it's fine."

*  
He does not get coffee, even though he would totally drink it.

*  
He gets tea, which is minty, and reminds him of last summer.

*  
It is nice.

*  
It makes him feel like he is back in Turkey.

*  
The house has four small bedrooms, and a partially finished basement with a ping-pong table and an ancient tv.

*  
They are sleeping on the fold-out couch in the basement.

*  
The couch is brown with pale blue sheets and extra blankets at the foot of the bed.

*  
It is pretty cold down there.

*  
Mark can hear the boiler clang.

*  
There is a tiny closet of a bathroom, too, with just a toilet and a sink, and this is where Mark brushes his teeth and pees.

*  
The whole experience has been sort of overwhelming.

*  
Hassan was right.

*  
It is not unlike travel.

*  
"Did I do okay?"

"You did great."

"Cool."

"Do you want to put your feet on me?"

"Yeah, it's freezing."

"I don't mind. Come over here."

*  
They have to be exceedingly quiet, because the house is small and sound travels through the thin walls.

*  
They stay under the covers, as well, and get all sweaty even though they try to keep still.

*  
They do not want anyone to hear them.

*  
That is like the tent back in Turkey, as well.

*  
It is slightly more comfortable, but only barely.

*  
Mark cannot believe he has unlimited resources, all this money, and yet he is sleeping on a lumpy foldout couch in a basement in a lower-middle class suburb of bombed-out Detroit.

*  
But he can believe it.

*  
Because despite the fact that the sheets are old and pilled; despite the fact that his stomach is swollen from too many pieces of flatbread; despite the fact that his feet are cold and the basement lacks insulation and is fucking Arctic -- despite all of those things, Mark cannot think of anywhere else he wants to be.

*  
That's really amazing.

*  
Despite the lumpy mattress, he sleeps very well, with Hassan hugging him from behind.

*  
The next few days are busy, a whirlwind.

*  
There are a lot of family members to meet, aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and assorted old people whose relationship to the rest he is never quite sure about.

*  
Many people have children.

*  
Mark loses track of who is who and what their names are.

*  
Hassan is there, though, to help him remember.

*  
Most people speak English fine, so it is not a problem, for the most part.

*  
He has a great-uncle, Charbel, who speaks only French, nothing else, on principle.

*  
People come and go.

*  
The kitchen fills with chatter and the smell of yet more coffee.

*  
People are always dropping by.

*  
Paul, the dog, nips at people's ankles.

*  
The dog is kind of mental.

*  
Hassan's mother does not do a very good job of showing it who is in charge.

*  
Mark gives the dog the evil eye.

*  
And he eats.

*  
Probably more food than he has eaten in the last month.

*  
Hassan's older siblings come, with their families.

*  
His older sister, Samia, and her husband, Rick.

*  
They live in Chicago. He is a lawyer; she works for local government.

*  
His older brothers, Wajdi and Tarek, who are both less handsome than Hassan.

*  
Waj lives in Ohio and is married to a woman named Noor, who is very quiet. They have two young boys, Mounir and George.

*  
Tarek's wife is named Rashida. She is stunning, and halfway through her first pregnancy. They live in Lansing, where she teaches at the university.

*  
Mark's head is always spinning with all these things to remember.

*  
He is overwhelmed.

*  
Hassan was right.

*  
It is like travel; like a foreign country.

*  
But here is the thing.

*  
Like with travel?

*  
No one expects anything of him.

*  
Not a damn thing.

*  
Just that he be present, and eat whatever is put in front of him.

*  
Mark can do that.

*  
And he gets to watch the way people interact with one another, even if he does not understand the content of what they say.

*  
That is actually extremely interesting.

*  
Like, for all of his _anti-social tendencies_ Mark thinks watching other people is totally fascinating.

*  
And he has always watched other people.

*  
When he was a kid and didn't know what to do in a gym class or whatever he would watch the person in front of him.

*  
That is how Mark learns how to act, and what to do.

*  
Everyone does this, to some extent, just not as bad as him.

*  
But here it is okay.

*  
All he has to do is eat and watch people talk, and start to answer questions that Hassan helps him finish, winking as he does so.

*  
Mark has never seen him more animated.

*  
He can tell that his father is so proud of him.

*  
He calls Hassan _my son the scholar_ and they are always pulling down books from the shelves to show one another things.

*  
Mark is so glad.

*  
On Christmas Eve they go to Mass at night.

*  
The liturgy is Syriac, and Mark does not understand it.

*  
But he listens to the shape of the words, the vowels and clicks and consonants that have power in the world.

*  
People kneel and pray and cross themselves.

*  
Mark follows along, but he does not cross himself.

*

Even though he knows it is meaningless, it still feels wrong to do.

*  
Hassan told him he did not have to come.

*  
Of course he did not have to come.

*  
That is one thing Mark has learned, is that he does not have to do anything.

*  
He does it because he wants to.

*  
Mass is long.

*  
Mark has time to think.

*  
There are a lot of things to think about.

*  
Not just keeping the names of the cousins straight, or whatever.

*  
Or how fucking gorgeous Hassan looks in a blue sweater borrowed from his father.

*  
He is in a holy place, he cannot think about sex.

*  
Though he can think about sex basically anywhere.

*  
They eat a late supper, after Mass, and Hassan stays up late, talking to his parents.

*  
Mark falls asleep on the couch, watching them talk.

*  
Christmas day is another blur of food and church and family and food and church.

*  
The day after Christmas is the same.

*  
Hassan spends a lot of time with his father, and when he comes downstairs to bed, over the next few nights, his sweatshirts smell like the filter Camels Yaqub smokes endlessly, with his tiny cups of coffee.

*  
Mark is not mad, or jealous.

*  
He is actually kind of turned on, which is a weird reaction to watching your boyfriend and his dad.

*  
Mark cannot understand what they say to one another, but he can see pride and love in his father's face.

*  
"Hey."

"Oh, hey."

"I didn't mean to wake you up."

"I don't mind."

"Mmm, you're all warm."

"You smell like smoke."

"I know. I wish he'd quit."

*  
Mark gets a little stir crazy, though.

*  
Dearborn is not terribly exciting.

*  
He hangs out with Hassan's sisters and sisters-in-law, which is exactly what Sean told him to do.

*  
His brothers are a little intimidating, to Mark.

*  
They are not like Hassan, not quite so nice.

*  
Mark does not dwell on this.

*  
Thinking why that might be is too horrible.

*  
Mark has always tried to convince himself that he is normal, just like everyone else, except that he is a genius.

*  
Yet he is not normal.

*  
His own childhood -- safe from everything except processed sugar and too much media stimulation -- his own childhood is not at all the norm, for the world.

*  
Mark goes to the grocery store.

*  
To the mall.

*  
To the movies.

*  
Hassan goes to have coffee with his father, at cafes, to meet friends, and Mark does not mind.

*  
Yaqub and Rafqa are lucky that their four children, the ones with the Arabic names, are all still alive.

*  
Mark thinks that is probably more important than the fact that the mall is fucking stupid.

*  
They get pretzels, though, which are fantastic.

*  
There are after-Christmas sales, and he buys Hassan a blue sweater, like the one he borrowed from his dad.

*  
It is cashmere, and very soft.

*  
He goes with Elie and Marie-Rose and Camille to the movies a couple of times.

*  
He buys books of tickets, because it is cheaper that way, and then he gives each of them one, for later.

*  
Like belated Hanukkah presents or whatever.

*  
On New Years Eve they go to a club.

*  
It is ridiculous, and nothing like San Fransisco.

*  
Mark calls it _Lebanese Jersey Shore_ and Hassan calls him a prick.

*  
He doesn't mean it, though.

*  
They go out back with people Hassan introduces, vaguely, as friends from high school.

*  
"Are you sure you want to smoke? We're driving the rental."

"We can call my boy Ahmed, he runs a car service. Or we'll go to Denny's and get pancakes until we sober up. It's a holiday, Mark. No stress allowed."

*  
They pass a joint back and forth out by the blue dumpsters.

*  
It is stuffy inside.

*  
Hassan keeps his hand on Mark's back, but in a friendly way, not a boyfriend way.

*  
It's a touchy thing, here.

*  
Even around his family, who love him, clearly, it's a touchy thing.

*  
Mark would like to touch more.

*  
He would not mind it if they could dance together the way the boy-girl couples get to, because they are not so much dancing as dry-humping while standing upright.

*  
But of course they cannot.

*  
"I need to use the bathroom."

"The what?"

"Bathroom."

"I'll come with you."

*  
They end up in the bathroom stall, for a minute.

*  
It smells like stale beer and Red Bull.

*  
Kind of like college.

*  
"Fuck, I have missed this."

*  
Mark wants to go get a hotel room.

*  
"They'll understand, if we say we were drinking."

"I have a better idea."

*  
They go out back by the dumpsters again.

*  
Then they get to do their own dry-humping, standing upright.

*  
Mark makes sure that the dumpster is hiding them from the sightlines of anyone coming out of the club.

*  
"Oh, fuck, Mark."

"Jesus, you're hard."

"Kiss me, kiss me."

*  
Mark is good at remaining hidden, and quiet.

*  
"Mark, Mark, I'm close --"

"You want to come for me?"

"Oh."

"Yeah? You want my mouth?"

*  
Of course he does.

*  
They have to be discreet, so Mark jerks him off until he can feel him, so close to coming, and then bends one knee forward to catch him, in his mouth, right as he starts to tip over.

*  
It is freezing, and he is so turned on, even though it is not that big a deal -- no more than a handjob with this guy he's been seeing since June -- and yet it feels so fucking daring and illicit and dirty -- and when Hassan presses him against the wall and kisses him, wet and filthy and slow, well, he is so hard and so keyed up that all it takes is the barest bit of pressure for Mark to come in his pants.

*  
He scrubs himself off in the bathroom with a wad of paper towels.

*  
And then they do go get food, at the Waffle House.

*  
Mark's ears are ringing from the bass speakers, which even now seem to be vibrating his inner eardrums.

*  
They use half a dispenser of syrup, between the two of them.

*  
Then Hassan drives them back to his parents house, where they stay for six more days.

*  
More food, more Mass, more movies, more mall.

*  
Mark calls his family, right before they leave.

*  
His mom gets a little snuffly at some of the things he says and then they talk about traveling.

*  
Mark has practically forgotten about Morocco.

*  
On the sixth of January they celebrate Epiphany, after church, in a restaurant that belongs to someone in the extended family.

*  
There are seriously eight trillion people there.

*  
So many people Mark has never met once in his life, straight up hugging him.

*  
His mom actually laughed, on the phone, when he told her about all the hugs.

*  
He laughed, too.

*  
It is like a wedding or something.

*  
Mark wears a button-down and Hassan wears his new sweater -- which makes his eyes look even bluer, and although he is there with Mark, he does not put his arm around him, because of family.

*  
Not because he is ashamed or anything.

*  
His parents are more liberal than some people.

*  
They kept fleeing to Paris when things got bad in the seventies, and then going back to Beirut.

*  
Hassan does not remember Paris, though he lived there as a baby.

*  
Before Michigan.

*  
That was probably kind of a change, maybe, for everyone.

*  
The snow, for one thing.

*  
None of them have been back to Lebanon since then.

*  
Everyone is tipsy and the goodbyes take forever, so long that Mark is basically sober by the time they finally get out the door.

*  
He drives them back.

*  
They park on the street outside the house.

*  
"Thanks for understanding."

"I get it, it's okay."

"It's a fine line, you know? Middle America meets the Middle East."

"Yeah."

"It can be stifling sometimes."

"That's why you left, though."

"Well, plus I fucking hate the snow."

*  
They kiss for a little while, in the front seat of the car.

*  
"I like your sweater."

"I would hope so, you gave it to me."

"You need to wear it all the time, like instead of your Wu-Tang sweatshirt."

"Over my dead body."

*  
Hassan tastes like coffee, cardamom, cloves.

*  
Mark does not drink coffee, but he likes the way his mouth tastes, and the way his fingers taste, and the way his stomach tastes.

*  
"We should go for a walk."

"Don't be insane, it's freezing."

"Backseat, then?"

"Perv."

*  
They switch seats in the car and crouch inside shadows on a suburban street.

*  
Mark loves this.

*  
It feels good, like before, the thrill of being young and getting other men off, for the first time.

*  
It was a little taste of power, of a different kind.

*  
Plus, he was just really fucking _horny._

*  
Like there is any twenty-year old male in the whole universe that is not perpetually fucking horny.

*  
That is highly unlikely.

*  
Hassan knows that Mark had a slutty phase.

*  
He had one, too, when he first came out to San Francisco.

*  
From very few potential sex partners to a whole world of people you could fuck once and never see again.

*  
That was amazing.

*  
For a little while, that kind of freedom felt really good.

*  
Mark has given a lot of blowjobs.

*  
Whatever, he likes it.

*  
Hassan likes it, too.

*  
"God you taste so good."

"Fucking hell, Mark."

*  
Mark's knees are falling asleep and he keeps banging his elbow on the door.

*  
Hassan already knows to wrap one hand around the back of Mark's head and scratch at his scalp or pull on his hair.

*  
It is a little more difficult in the car, but it is not impossible.

*  
He can feel the flex of Hassan's dick in his throat right before he comes.

*  
It is gloriously dirty, all the more so for being intimate.

*  
It is a perfect moment, of give and take, where both of them have the power, and neither of them have the power.

*  
It does not take Mark long to come, himself, after.

*  
At least this time it is not in his underwear.

*  
"Is it hard for them?"

"You mean this?"

"This, yes. Us."

"I mean, it would be different if I didn't have brothers. It would be really different."

*  
Mark has no brothers.

*  
Even though his parents are East Coast liberals -- which is what the media says instead of _Jewish_ \-- even though they actually _are_ East Coast liberals -- he is still their only son.

*  
But that was all shit Mark put on himself, not them.

*  
Not really.

*  
They go inside.

*  
Snow has started to fall in large wet flakes.

*  
They make coffee for everyone but Mark.

*  
Rafqa makes him hot chocolate instead.

*  
That is even better than the tea.

*  
The dog falls asleep under the table, and people drift off to bed.

*  
Mark wants to ask Hassan's parents if they miss Paris.

*  
Paris is the sort of place people are always _missing._

*  
Like they write poems about it and shit.

*  
Or paint pictures.

*  
People are always going on and fucking on about how it is so _beautiful_ and _romantic_ and Mark wants to know what the big deal is, about Paris.

*  
So he expects Rafqa to sigh like people sigh and talk like people talk about the cafes, the bridges, the art, when he asks her.

*  
Mark does not ask a lot of questions.

*  
He usually just observes, and he can usually figure stuff out just from observing.

*  
But he cannot figure this out.

*  
So he has to ask.

*  
"For me, Mark? I would rather see Beirut again. That is my home, the most beautiful city in the world."

*  
Mark sort of understands that, as well.

*  
There are hugs and kisses, and they traipse downstairs to go to bed.

*  
It is even colder down there, so they sleep close to one another.

*  
Mark's feet are cold, but Hassan's thighs are warm.

*  
He is looking forward to sunshine.

*  
They have a layover in Paris, but only on the way to Fez.

*  
Mark's backpack is crammed full of books.

*  
He has all the information written up in a graph-paper notebook, as well, and backed up on his phone.

*  
He is going traveling with his boyfriend in a conservative country, which is why he has booked them places with private pools and balconies.

*  
For safety, obviously.

*  
Maybe skinny-dipping, or whatever.

*  
Because they can.

*  
And it will not be snowing in Morocco.

*  
Mark agrees with Hassan on this.

*  
Winter can suck his fucking dick.

*  
They sleep late, the next day.

*  
Mark does most of the packing, after breakfast, so Hassan can hang out with his family.

*  
They have to leave by three to get to the airport.

*  
Mark has a schedule written up, for their trip.

*  
He may have color-coded it.

*  
Whatever.

*  
There's nothing wrong with being prepared.

*  
Mark brings their suitcases upstairs and puts them by the door, and then they all eat lunch together.

*  
Leftovers, from last night's dinner.

*  
The fattoush has gone soggy, but it still tastes really good.

*  
That is the thing Mark likes best, so Hassan's mom puts a lot of it on his plate.

*  
After lunch Mark carries the bags out to the car.

*  
Hassan is sitting at the table with his mother and father, drinking coffee.

*  
Mark wonders if maybe he should just cancel their trip or something.

*  
But then Yaqub looks at his watch and finishes his coffee.

*  
He stands up and wipes his mustache with the back of his hand.

*  
Hassan and Rafqa do the same thing.

*  
Elie and Marie-Rose are watching tv, Camille sprawled on the floor next to them, her nose in a book.

*  
Mark wonders if she will be a scholar, too.

*  
He hopes that she is allowed to be, if that is what she wants.

*  
Hassan hugs them all goodbye.

*  
Everyone hugs Mark goodbye.

*  
There are some parental tears, and a lot of kissing.

*  
More hugs.

*  
Mark worries that they are going to be late, with all the hugging in the living room, and then by the front door, and then on the porch.

*  
Goddamn, Hassan's family is really into hugging.

*  
Both of his parents kiss both of Mark's cheeks, and shake his hand, and he is not irritated by being touched.

*  
He is merely concerned that they are going to miss their flight.

*  
Hassan is not very good with being punctual.

*  
Mark has to drive faster than he would like, to the airport.

*  
"Mark, babe, it's fine. Slow down."

"We have checked luggage, though, you know how long that takes."

"It's the Detroit airport, nothing takes that much time."

"But we have a connection."

"We will make the connection. And if we don't we'll work it out."

*  
Sometimes Hassan's chilled-out attitude grates on his nerves.

*  
He does not want them to miss their flight.

*  
They tear through the rental return, and Mark gets them a cart for their two suitcases, even though they have both packed lightly, because that way they can move faster.

*  
"Oh my God, I cannot even keep up with you. Did you drink a Red Bull or something?"

*  
It is not until their luggage is checked through their final destination, and they have both shown their passports and boarding passes (for business class, Mark insisted because of the flight time), not until they have taken off their shoes, belts, watches, jackets, and hats, all of which go in a separate plastic tub from Mark's phone and his backpack full of books, not until they have gone through a scanner and been wanded and patted down and then put their jackets and shoes and belts and watches on again, not until they are through that and walked while riding the moving walkway past a McDonald's and a Hudson News and a Cinnabun and a play area, not until they are at their gate (5D) awaiting their flight (1386) on their airline (KLM/Air France) -- it is not until then that Mark can actually relax.

*  
"You're not asthmatic are you?"

*  
Mark just wheezes.

*  
Hassan shakes his head fondly.

*  
"I'm gonna go get a coffee. Do you want anything?"

*  
He shakes his head no.

*  
He does not want anything, but Hassan brings him an overpriced bottle of water all the same.

*  
They are actually early.

*  
Not late at all.

*  
Plenty of time.

*  
Mark does not stray too far from the gate, though, in case something happens.

*  
Hassan reads part of a novel, and then looks at Mark's Lonely Planet guide.

*  
"What is all this?"

"Those are post-its."

"Why are there so many of them?"

"It's a system. Shut up."

*  
He can feel his cheeks heating with a blush, turning pink.

*  
The colors he has used for the color-coding system are: pink, yellow, orange, blue, and purple.

*  
Pink is the color of the old city in Marrakesh, so pink post-it flags are for _sites of historical interest._

*  
Hassan drinks his coffee and makes noises at the guidebooks until it is time to board.

*  
Their seats go back all the way, which is nice.

*  
Flying is better when you don't have to go coach.

*  
Hassan wanted to pay for his own ticket.

*  
Mark had to put his foot down, on that one.

*  
The flight attendants feed them food that tastes unbelievably bland, after the last week.

*  
Mark is glad that he does not have to finish all of it, if he does not want to.

*  
He made sure to buy antacid at the Hudson News.

*  
He drinks some of that, and looks at the in-flight magazine, and plays six games of Solitaire on his phone, and then he lifts the armrest up, which is dividing their seats.

*  
Hassan has fallen asleep, his head lolling sideways, a blanket draped over his upper torso.

*  
Mark puts his head on Hassan's shoulder, and after a while, once his stomach stops hurting, he falls asleep too.

*  
He stumbles to the toilet a couple of times, in his socks.

*  
Hassan is wearing the complimentary slippers over his socks.

*  
Mark puts another blanket on top of them, even though the blankets are only the size of bath towels.

*  
The blankets are excellent in first class, and they are bigger, as well.

*  
But no way is Hassan flying first class.

*  
He snorted when Mark asked.

*  
The pillows are better in first class, not these scratchy synthetic blobs.

*  
He wedges one under his ear and listens first to the engines, and then the sounds of the cabin crew murmuring to one another, and then, finally, his boyfriend's breathing.

*  
It is nice.

*  
The pillows are not as comfortable, and Hassan is muscly, not soft.

*  
His shoulder is not soft, true, but it is comfortable.

*  
Hassan's shoulder feels very safe.

*  
Mark is not physically comfortable, precisely, but Hassan still seems to make a pretty nice pillow.

*  
They sleep until the sun rises, right around Iceland.

*  
Mark watches the icon of the plane move over the North Atlantic, and then veer southeast in the direction of France.

*  
He has a very bad crick in his neck.

*  
"Did you sleep?"

"Mmm, totally."

*  
The flight attendants pass out hot towels and then serve breakfast.

*  
There are croissants, which look good but taste like cardboard.

*  
Hassan is one of those people who looks fantastic even when they have just woken up.

*  
Like, he kind of looks even better than he normally looks when he has just woken up.

*  
"We should go to the hammam like, first thing, after we take a nap. I need a straight-razor shave like nobody's business."

"I mean, we can. But--"

*  
Hassan scratches his chin.

*  
Mark likes his stubble.

*  
Plus, they are not supposed to go to the baths until Sunday, and it is only going to be Friday afternoon, when they get there.

*  
He needs to check the schedule that he's made, to see if things can be rearranged.

*  
He does that for the remainder of the flight.

*  
Hassan nods off again.

*  
He is good at falling asleep, pretty much anywhere.

*  
He falls asleep during movies, sometimes, at Mark's place.

*  
He works too hard and sleeps too little.

*  
Mark can relate to that.

*  
The plane circles and then lands with no problems.

*  
In Paris.

*  
They have a couple of hours, but not enough time for Mark to determine if the city is worth the hype.

*  
"We have to change terminals, we'll get coffee after that."

"I want a decent croissant. Surely there has to be one in this airport."

*  
They look at the monitors to find their gate.

*  
Their flight is on time.

*  
"It doesn't look like there's a delay. We should start heading over there, it's a big airport and--"

*  
Hassan is asking someone a question.

*  
In French.

*  
Well.

*  
Mark forgot about that.

*  
Damn.

*  
"Okay, I got the name of a couple places in terminal 2."

*  
They catch the connecting shuttle and then go find their gate.

*  
"I just want to make sure this is the right one."

"Mark, we have two hours. They haven't even put the information up yet."

*  
So they go get coffee.

*  
Mark gets a Coke, which tastes like it does everywhere in the world except America.

*  
About this Chris is right.

*  
Corn syrup can be pretty gross.

*  
"Is that good?"

"You know how corn syrup like, coats your tongue?"

"Yeah."

"This isn't like that. It has bite."

*  
Hassan orders three croissants for them to share.

*  
They are not super sweet, but the Coke is not super sweet either, so none of it is overpowering.

*  
"You can just pay with your card, probably."

"There's really no reason to get Euros, is there?"

"No, none."

"Do you think I should change money here?"

"I'd wait. The rates will be better at the ATM or a bank. I'm sure they have a list at the hotel."

"I don't want to get ripped off."

"Mark, nothing has even happened yet. Here, finish this."

"I'm full."

"Liar."

"It's true."

"I don't know how you can be. You've been eating like crazy this last week."

"That's because your mother kept feeding me stuff."

"She mother thinks you're too skinny."

"Sounds like my mother."

"If you don't want it I'm totally going to finish it."

"Give me half, then."

*  
That shit is tasty.

*  
Definitely better than what they ate on the plane.

*  
They hang out for a little while and read, and then Mark makes Hassan ask for four more of the almond croissants, wrapped up in a box to take with them, and another coffee, to go this time.

*  
Hassan does all of the talking, and Mark does all of the paying.

*  
It's an excellent system.

*  
Mutually beneficial.

*  
Mark is actually getting the better deal, he thinks, for several reasons.

*  
He does not have to talk, one. He does not have to try and speak a foreign language, two.

*  
Three?

*  
Well.

*  
 _"Nous aimerions quatre des croissants aux amandes et un café noir à aller, s'il vous plaît."_

*  
Hassan speaks really good French.

*  
And Mark likes to listen to him speak it.

*  
"What did I do?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"You are grinning like a loon."

"Shut up, I am not."

*  
Mark is not a good liar.

*  
He is totally grinning.


	6. Chapter 6

*  
They ride on a smaller plane to Fez. Hassan reads. Mark listens to his iPod and makes lists.

*  
The landing is bumpy and Mark squeezes his eyes shut until he feels the plane slow down.

*  
He is never relieved when they touch down, because they are still traveling hundreds of miles an hour.

*  
The braking is actually scarier than landing and takeoff combined.

*  
Mark digs his backpack out from under the seat and puts all his stuff away.

*  
"We have to get money here. Will you do the talking?"

"Let's use the ATM."

*  
It spits out dihrams, eight to the dollar.

*  
Hassan was right, it's a decent exchange rate.

*  
They get the bags together, and then Hassan deals with getting the taxi.

*  
Bickering over the price.

*  
In Arabic.

*  
And like with his family, waving his hands around a lot, talking to a short man wearing a white cloth cap.

*  
They shake hands and Mark assumes a settlement has been reached, since the driver starts putting their bags in the trunk.

*  
"How much did he want?"

"It's fine, I got a good price."

*  
Hassan did all the bartering, thank fuck.

*  
Mark does not like to do that, the back-and-forth negotiations over money.

*  
Hassan did it for him, in Turkey, with the rugs, and now he is doing it again.

*  
Mark cannot stand asking for a discount in any way, shape, or form.

*  
That is probably as good an argument against cultural essentialism as anything, actually.

*  
"You're saying I have to do all the negotiating, aren't you?"

"Do you mind?"

"Hell no, it's fun."

*  
Mark shudders, because that sounds like no fun at all.

*  
Hassan and the taxi driver exchange words back and forth.

*  
It sounds heated.

*  
He cannot tell if they are upset with one another or not, but then they both laugh, so he supposes it is okay.

*  
"What's so funny?"

"Lexical differences."

*  
There is not just one form of Arabic, apparently, but five.

*  
Mark half listens to them talk and stares out the window.

*  
It is getting on late afternoon.

*  
The sky is hazy.

*  
It is flat and the streets are wide, lined on either side with tall palm trees.

*  
The buildings get lower and browner the closer they get to their hotel, in the French part of the city.

*  
"Will you take this?"

"The money?"

"Yeah, can you pay him?"

*  
Hassan takes care of it.

*  
Mark stands on the curb with his hands in his pockets, watching Hassan finish his conversation.

*  
He wonders what they are talking about, a little, but he knows Hassan will tell him, later on, in the room.

*  
It is nice to watch him and to not feel left out.

*  
The desk staff speak English.

*  
Their room in the riad is more like a suite.

*  
"Holy hell, Mark."

"What?"

"You rented us a palace."

"Well, I wanted us to have our privacy."

"Do we need a whole floor?"

"It still costs less than a mid-priced hotel in San Fransisco."

"Seriously?"

*  
Hassan whistles, under his breath.

*  
They explore the room.

*  
There is a balcony, with lanterns and low cushions.

*  
The walls are covered with tiles.

*  
The bathroom is huge.

*  
Everything else is open.

*  
There is a bed and rugs and fabrics all over, blue and gold and orange.

*  
There are fucking rose petals on the tables.

*  
Mark hopes it is nice, and not too cheesy.

*  
"This is super nice."

"It's not too much?"

"It's perfect. Thank you."

"Thank you."

"What for?" Hassan laughs.

"Doing all the talking."

*  
They decide to do the hammam first, instead of sex or food or napping.

*  
"You need to sweat all the travel funk out of you."

"Is that scientifically proven?"

"Doubtful, but I know that we both stink."

*  
They go to the steam room in the riad.

*  
It is not totally authentic, but it is close by and does not take a lot of time.

*  
Mark has a schedule he wants to follow.

*  
The steam is fantastic.

*  
It makes the whites of his eyes go clear and glassy, and he sweats like crazy.

*  
They both get stretched and have joints popped.

*  
It is both disgusting and immensely satisfying.

*  
Hassan does get shaved.

*  
It does not take long for the hair on his face to grow back, though, and by the time they have gone up to the room, napped, washed up, and gone out for a quick dinner four doors down from the hotel, his chin is dark and prickly against Mark's cheek when he kisses him.

*  
They sit on their balcony and make out.

*  
The moon is heavy and the lanterns throw out patterns and colors against the walls, where they reflect and are swallowed by the darkness.

*  
The air smells different.

*  
Dusty, and like diesel fuel.

*  
Hassan smells like himself, a nice smell, like almonds and Irish Spring soap.

*  
His mouth tastes like the tagine they ate for dinner, and mint tea, and rosewater syrup.

*  
They kiss for a long time, only Mark keeps breaking off to yawn.

"C'mon, babe, bed."

"It's nice here."

"There's no point in paying for a giant room if you're only going to sleep outside. Bed."

"Mmmnn," he starts to protest, cut short by another yawn.

*  
He lets Hassan lead him into the bedroom.

*  
The room smells like the roses, a floral background, like the wallpaper.

*  
Hassan smells better.

*  
Mark falls asleep with his mouth open against Hassan's shoulder, his arm underneath him.

*  
It is not the most comfortable position for sleep or anything else.

*  
Regardless, it is nice.

*  
Mark feels really rested when he wakes up, even though his internal clock is all wonky.

*  
The crown of his head is pushed against Hassan's shoulder, and he is sleeping at an angle, his feet in the far corner of the bed.

*  
He wraps his legs around Hassan's legs.

*  
He does not to wake him up before they bring breakfast, because he will be grouchy.

*  
Mark puts his head on Hassan's chest, which is warm and prickly, and closes his eyes.

*  
He thinks.

*  
Morocco.

*  
With his crazy hot boyfriend.

*  
For ten more days.

*  
Mark has never been on a trip with someone like this, ever.

*  
He visited Miami with Eduardo once, his freshman year.

*  
They stayed with Wardo's parents.

*  
And they visited his sister, at Hopkins, the fall of Wardo's junior year, her first year at college.

*  
She was pretty.

*  
If he had liked girls, he might have liked her.

*  
Mark kind of has a type.

*

Brown hair. He likes brown hair.

*  
Three times he traveled with Eduardo, culminating in that New York trip, even though Christy Lee was there for that.

*  
That was basically it, and they were not dating during any of those trips.

*  
When Eduardo came out to California, finally, Mark was totally going to take him somewhere.

*  
He already had been to Napa, without Mark, and to parts of Sonoma, and Monterey, for the wedding.

*  
Mark had thought maybe they could drive down to Big Sur, or Santa Barbara. Tahoe, Joshua Tree, Death Valley.

*  
None of those options interested Eduardo all that much.

*  
When Eduardo was staying there Mark was always trying to figure out what it was that he was not saying.

*  
Mark knows that there is a huge gap between what people say and what they think.

*  
Part of his problem is that he always says exactly what he thinks.

*  
Otherwise you're just making noise and wasting air.

*  
Maybe if Eduardo had said anything Mark could have tried to understand it.

*  
But he was so quiet.

*  
At the house, or by the pool, or at dinner, or even in bed.

*  
So quiet, and still.

*  
Like a bird with a broken wing.

*  
In the spring of 2005 a bird had flown into the glass patio doors of the apartment that he lived in, alone, down the street from their first offices.

*  
He was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a morning beer at three in the afternoon.

*  
That time is a blur.

*  
That momentum is impossible to maintain.

*  
But then he still had it, in those early days when he was builder and architect both, and he perfected this state of sleep-deprived caffeinated tipsiness and he got a whole fucking lot done in less than a year.

*  
Tiring, though.

*  
And lonely.

*  
He was glad to be alone, a lot of the time, because he needed space to work.

*  
He would work for four hours and sleep for twenty minutes.

*  
He'd wake up and pound a Red Bull and take a bong hit and nurse a beer and then do the whole thing over and over again for days on end.

*  
He was in a trance.

*  
It was a delicate state of suspension.

*  
Mark needs solitude.

*  
Like other people need air, oxygen, Mark needs solitude.

*  
He needs space to just zone out.

*  
That is what he was doing when a yellow-breasted Wilson's warbler flew headlong into the door and had its skull crushed on impact.

*  
And Mark _freaked out._

*  
He found a hand towel and a box to put it in and he called Sean in a state of hysteria and told him there was an emergency and he had to be driven to the hospital.

*  
He showed up ten minutes later to find Mark sitting at the kitchen table trying to revive a dead bird.

*  
Crying.

*  
Later, Sean told him that he kept babbling that they had to _fix it._

*  
He was probably disproportionately upset about that bird.

*  
Mark does not get upset about things that actually bother him at the time.

*  
He smooshes it all down inside until he feels like a barrel full of kerosene-soaked rags and any tiny thing is the match that sets him off.

*  
In the intervening years he has worked on not doing this.

*  
But it is not easy.

*  
He has a short fuse.

*  
He gets frustrated.

*  
He's kind of a jerk.

*  
Mark still does not understand so much why Hassan would want to date _him._

*  
Mark is pretty sure that any minute now Hassan will snap out of his own state of suspension and look at Mark and realize who he is and what he is like and then it will all be over.

*  
He hates that he is thinking this.

*  
Because he is not thinking about Hassan, when he thinks this.

*  
He is thinking about Eduardo, who finally got the chance to be an asshole, all on his own, to Mark.

*  
Mark deserved all of that and worse.

*  
He knows it.

*  
But it was not until Eduardo was not right in front of him that he could start to understand, to process things.

*  
It has been a long time.

*  
Two years since he and Eduardo tried to start over.

*  
Mark has, as everyone advised, _moved on._

*  
But he cannot erase his memory.

*  
He is not a machine; he cannot be wiped clean and start all over, fresh.

*  
That is not how people work.

*  
That is not how human memory works.

*  
Mark may be _exceptional_ but he is still a person.

*  
With the memory of a person, not a machine.

*  
And some things look the same, kind of.

*  
The boy next to him has dark hair and brown skin and hair that grows in a curlicue pattern around his nipples, which Mark is idly scratching with his fingers.

*  
He has blue eyes instead of brown ones, and he is, Mark knows, a wholly and completely different person.

*  
He is not Eduardo.

*  
And it is only because he is, in fact, a different person, that Mark can see Eduardo clearly, in hindsight.

*  
Without the filter of emotion, of want, of hopefulness.

*  
It's so simple, and he could not understand, then.

*  
Like the dead bird, he could not understand _how_ it could happen.

*  
It did not add up.

*  
It did not fucking compute, at the time.

*  
If you love someone they make you happy.

*  
 _ὅπερ ἔδει δεῖξαι_

*  
That is what that means.

*  
 _quod erat demonstrandum_

*  
They are supposed to be the same.

*  
Causal.

*  
Connected.

*  
What the fuck _ever._

*  
That it all fits together. Once you have love it is what carries you forward.

*  
Love makes you feel _better_ , inside.

*  
Whatever it is -- nerves and synapses; cultural conditioning; mass-hysteria; media-induced delusion; narrative shortcut; a byproduct of endocrinology -- whatever one of these or something as yet unfound or unproven.

*  
That you have it and it makes you _happy._

*  
Not unhappy or sad or lonely.

*  
The truth is that you cannot reboot.

*  
That is not possible except for amnesiacs and stroke victims.

*  
Which are not exactly ideal situations.

*  
Hassan stirs.

*  
Mark wants to be as close to him as he can be.

*  
"You're awake."

"You're lying on top of me."

"This is comfy."

"I can't breathe, Mark."

"Thought I was too skinny."

"That was my mom, she said that."

"Is she right?"

"Christ, no, I think you gained ten pounds in the last two weeks."

*  
They lay like this, Mark sprawled on top with Hassan's arms around him, stroking his back.

*  
He rests his head in the crook of Hassan's neck.

*  
Mark tries not to dwell on the past.

*  
He is always going to worry about the future, though.

*  
Always.

*  
He does not want to make any more mistakes.

*  
He does not want to mess this up.

*  
Hassan is so great, and Mark really wants to make him happy.

*  
Everything else feels incidental.

*  
Even breakfast, which is left on a tray outside their door.

*  
Mark had this great idea that they should eat breakfast on the balcony.

*  
Except it is raining.

*  
It is sodden and gross out.

*  
 _Fuck._

*  
They eat inside instead.

*  
There is warm bread and four kinds of preserves and argan oil.

*  
Mark has orange juice and sweet mint tea to drink.

*  
The coffee is passable, but Hassan does not look impressed.

*  
Probably because he just spent all that time with his mom, who, he has heard Hassan say, many many times, makes the best coffee.

*  
It is still raining when they finish eating.

*  
Mark keeps getting up to check.

*  
They are supposed to go to the Blue Gate, and then the old medina.

*  
Mark has mapped out many possible routes, marked many sites of historical significance.

*  
"How many of those do you plan on carrying all day?"

"I have my backpack."

"No."

"But--"

"--pick _one_ , Mark, you can bring one."

*  
He takes the Lonely Planet one.

*  
And his notebook.

*  
And his phone.

*  
They decide to do a couple of museums, first, to see if the rain eases up.

*  
Two museums and two coffees and two calls to prayer later, it has not eased up.

*  
Mark is exceedingly tense.

*  
It will not stop raining, and that is _bullshit._

*  
"Do you want to go over there?"

"I want it to not be raining."

"I can't do anything about that."

*  
They head for the old walled city.

*  
There are cats everywhere, hiding in piles of garbage to escape the rain.

*  
It is making his Post-It flags all sodden.

*  
It makes the colors in his notebook run.

*  
The droplets obscure the face of his phone.

*  
He is wet.

*  
The cats are wet.

*  
The stairs they walk up and down are wet, and slippery.

*  
He keeps stopping short, tripping over his own feet, unable to read his writing.

*  
"Mark."

"I think there was supposed to be something interesting, back here, like 200 yards."

"Mark."

"Do you want to turn around? I can't read what I wrote. Fuck."

"Mark."

*  
Hassan has him by the upper arm, and Mark blinks at him.

*  
His hair is all wet, and his eyelashes have rain on them.

*  
The walls of the medina are painted tan and blue.

*  
Even with clouds overhead and the sky spitting rain, the colors are clear.

*  
It is all stunning.

*  
Breathtaking, they say.

*  
He shakes his head at Mark, and then he takes the book away from him.

*  
He puts it in his messenger bag.

*  
He looks forward and down, water cascading off his nose.

*  
The hair on his forearms looks like it does when he gets out of the shower, a towel around his neck and one slung low around his waist.

*  
Jesus, he looks good wet.

*  
Mark would like to kiss him, here, in the rain, on their way to the Blue Gate.

*  
But he is not in San Fransisco, so he cannot kiss Hassan on the street.

*  
"I think we should go back to the room, maybe."

"I think that's a good plan."

*  
They take a taxi back to the riad.

*  
It is humid in the taxi, and Mark is acutely aware of his clothes clinging to him, damp against his skin.

*  
He wants to not be wearing anything.

*  
Hassan pays the driver.

*  
It feels like an eternity before they are back in the room again.

*  
Kissing.

*  
Before the door is even shut behind them.

*  
This time tripping over one another.

*  
They peel off wet shirts and socks and leave a trail on the way to the bed.

*  
Mark thinks about getting them a towel, since they both have wet hair.

*  
"Where you going?"

"Bathroom."

"Like fucking hell you are."

*  
He pulls Mark down into a kiss, and then rolls on top of him.

*  
He has put on a couple of pounds, too, from eating five meals a day at his parents'.

*  
"Ooof. You're heavy."

*  
He does not mind Hassan's weight sinking on to him.

*  
He likes it.

*  
It knocks some of the air from his lungs, but in a good way.

*  
Their skin is tacky, from sweat and drying rain.

*  
Hassan sucks Mark's lower lip into his mouth.

*  
Mark bites on Hassan's neck when he puts his fingers inside of him.

*  
And then he groans, clutching Hassan's back and digging in his nails.

*  
Mark likes to give blowobs, and like any man with a penis, of course he likes to get them.

*  
Getting tongued is fine.

*  
Being fingered, though.

*  
While being kissed.

*  
It.

*  
That.

*  
God, he fucking _loves_ that.

*  
Hassan cradles Mark's head with one hand and kisses him and moves his wet fingers inside of him with the other hand and it is warm and liquid and gooey, like warm honey.

*  
Or sticky rosewater syrup.

*  
"Shit."

"That the spot?"

"Oh, fuck yes."

*  
Mark could get off just like this, two of Hassan's fingers working his prostate, his arms slung around his neck to pull his mouth close.

*  
"Jesus Christ."

*  
Hassan pulls his fingers out.

*  
He fiddles with a condom wrapper and then comes to hover over Mark once more.

*  
It always burns, because he is quick about it.

*  
That first hot push always makes Mark shudder from the base of his spine.

*  
He wraps his legs around Hassan and hooks them at the ankles.

*  
His legs are so white and Hassan is very brown.

*  
Mark likes to think about how that looks.

*  
It probably looks really hot.

*  
Hassan puts his hands on top of Mark's and presses them down against the bed.

*  
The sheets are rumpled, soaked through in places.

*  
Mark's back arches up.

*  
Because of the prostate.

*  
Hassan licks into his mouth and mumbles against his ear, and Mark thinks it is the greatest thing that Hassan -- who is so smart in such a different way, and is so good with talking, and is so good with words -- that Hassan will just mumble incoherent against Mark's ear like he does, right before he comes.

*  
That is when Mark kisses him back, hard, and sucks his tongue all the way into his mouth, and rocks his hips up and digs his heels in even deeper.

*  
"Ah."

"S'good, right?"

"Unf."

"You should come inside of me."

"Oh, God, Mark."

*  
Mark clenches the muscles of his ass and Hassan groans and comes, falling forward onto Mark's chest.

*  
Because of the prostate, he can get off just from the pressure, the friction.

*  
Mark loves that.

*  
They have to catch their breath, after.

*  
They lie still.

*  
And then Hassan pulls out and deals with the condom.

*  
Mark is spent.

*  
And gross.

*  
The room smells like fucking.

*  
And fucking rain.

*  
"Do you want to shower?"

"Huh?"

"Shower."

"Yeah, okay."

*  
They shower.

*  
They sit on the couch in their underwear.

*  
It stops raining, later on.

*  
They go for a walk, and eat from street carts, licking lamb grease from their fingers.

*  
It is nice.

*  
He lets Hassan pick where they eat.

*  
He doesn't even look at the guidebook.

*  
They get to the Blue Gate after the sun has set.

*  
Stalls selling trinkets crowd them on either side.

*  
Some are shut for the night.

*  
It is dark so it is too late for the medina.

*  
"We'll come back tomorrow, when it's light. The medina is complicated, like a rat maze, that's what the Lonely Planet people say."

"Oh my God, you have straight up memorized that book."

"Shut up, I have not. Not like, on purpose."

*  
Like his memory is his fault, or something.

*  
Mark remembers everything that he wants to remember.

*  
He holds on to things, in his mind.

*  
Useless stuff he deletes, of course.

*  
He is not a machine.

*  
He cannot upgrade his components.

*  
There is only so much space.

*  
He cannot add on.

*  
He has to work with what he has.

*  
Nor can he swap himself for someone with straighter hair, or a cuter butt, or an innate sense of how to flirt, or the ability to dance.

*  
Mark looks at the tiles, at the white, at the blue, and tilts his head to the side.

*  
There are patterns.

*  
Not a story, exactly, but a pattern.

*  
The medina has a pattern you cannot see when you are inside of it.

*  
Mark has a compass app on his phone, in case they get lost.

*  
It is basically assured that they will get lost.

*  
Hence they will not go in there until daylight.

*  
It is far too complicated and crowded.

*  
The guidebook is right about that.

*  
The next morning they eat breakfast on the balcony.

*  
Mark finishes all the pots of jam with his spoon.

*  
"I hope you don't sugar crash while we're out walking around."

"You underestimate my tolerance for sucrose."

"You're gonna make yourself sick."

"I could eat half a dozen more of these, no problem."

"Please don't try."

*  
The jam does not make him sick.

*  
They buy cookies, on the walk over, with almonds in them.

*  
"I see what you're doing, there."

"I'm not doing anything. Oh, oh, go get me a soda."

*  
Mark likes the lettering on the Coke bottle, though he cannot read it.

*  
They share a Coke and pass the bag of crumbly cookies back and forth.

*  
They walk through the Blue Gate into the medina, where they get lost, almost immediately, despite the maps and the compass.

*  
It is cramped.

*  
Steep.

*  
Dusty.

*  
Loud, and full of noises he cannot quite identify.

*  
People are shouting.

*  
Metal clangs on metal.

*  
Black-clad women hurry past in clumps.

*  
Children shriek, randomly.

*  
Everything is narrow.

*  
Winding.

*  
Open wide and then closed tight again.

*  
It feels claustrophobic and full of dead ends.

*  
The light is weird, first bright and then indirect, and then thrown into shadow as they round new corners.

*  
There are no cars in the old walled city, where animals and people share space, barely.

*  
Stray dogs and cats.

*  
Hundreds of cats.

*  
They seem to be doing okay, the cats.

*  
And there are donkeys.

*  
 _Donkeys_ , for real.

*  
Just plodding along and pulling carts, walking slowly alongside people talking on mobile phones.

*  
There are tanneries, too.

*  
The smell of scorched flesh and industrial dye rises off the vats.

*  
It burns Mark's eyes.

*  
And then up and down more winding pathways, over to where the air smells like spices and dung.

*  
The cats are out in force in the sunny spots.

*  
The walls are bright.

*  
There are carpets for sale, and slippers, and leather bags brightly stitched and colored.

*  
Mark's calves hurt.

*  
They walk all over the place.

*  
Mark makes Hassan do the buying at spice stalls.

*  
He buys ras-el-hanout for Clare.

*  
It has rose petals in it.

*  
He is thinking she could teach him how to cook lamb.

*  
They sit down to get food.

*  
Hassan orders for them both.

*  
Mark is fine with that.

*  
He will eat whatever.

*  
"What did you order?"

"Bunch of stuff."

"Cool, I'm starving."

"Should we nap after lunch?"

"I could nap."

*  
Mark is hot and he has blisters on his feet.

*  
They eat couscous and stew with their hands.

*  
"Oh, kefta, awesome, awesome. Here do you want some of this?"

"You have hand sanitizer?"

"Do you see a sink?"

"Guess not."

"Here."

*  
The sharp smell of rubbing alcohol wafts over their food and then dissipates.

*  
They eat.

*  
It's really good.

*  
Mark's feet burn.

*  
Shooting pains in his arches and tightness in his tendons.

*  
His legs tremble when they stand up from the table.

*  
They make it to the gate and find a ride.

*  
He closes his eyes when they are in the taxi, and even drifts off to sleep, for a second.

*  
They go to their room and close all the doors and curtains.

*  
Hassan usually sleeps in boxers and a t-shirt, so that is what Mark sleeps in too.

*  
He falls asleep very fast, lying on his stomach.

*  
He did not get any more soda, at lunch.

*  
And the sun wore him out.

*  
The sun has moved to the west by the time they wake up.

*  
"You want to go get tea?"

"I could get tea."

"We could smoke."

"Is that legal?"

*  
It is not legal.

*  
But like in many places it is not at all a big deal.

*  
They don't buy anything on the street, even though tons of people offer.

*  
Mark looks like a tourist.

*  
Hassan tells them _no thank you._

*  
Lonely Planet has some recommendations, and there is more information on their website and their forums.

*  
Mark likes to know what all of his options are.

*  
Hassan thinks Mark has too many options.

*  
He asks some men at a table in front of a restaurant.

*  
They talk to one another, and then they tell them where to go.

*  
It looks like any normal tea house, except that when Hassan says something to the man who greets them inside the door, they are taken behind a curtain to a smaller back room, full of men with short beards smoking from long water pipes.

*  
There are cushions everywhere, and mint tea.

*  
Hassan takes care of everything.

*  
Mark wants to look around, but not to be rude and obvious and staring.

*  
He looks up, sure that everyone is staring right back at him.

*  
No one is, really.

*  
The hookah is awesome, as are all the cushions, on the ground.

*  
Cushions.

*  
Why are there not cushions everywhere?

*  
Like in the world.

*  
Such a good idea.

*  
Cushions are the best thing ever.

*  
That's a weird word.

*  
 _Cushion._

*  
The tea is like _the best tea_ Mark has ever had.

*  
But damn these cushions are so nice.

*  
"Maybe I'll buy some for the office."

"You won't be able to type lying down."

"Bitch, I can totally type with one hand."

"Um, what now?"

"I can probably type faster with just the pinky of my left hand than you can with like, all of both of your hands. Both of all of them."

"O-kay."

"Are you paying attention? This is super important."

"Clearly. Drink your tea."

*  
It takes them a long time to get up.

*  
They drink a shitload more of the tea, and only leave when Mark has to piss so bad he thinks he might die.

*  
They each use the toilet and then meet out on the street.

*  
"I am starving. Are you hungry? I want more kefta, those were so good."

"That can happen."

*  
They wander around until they find somewhere that looks popular.

*  
Mark is way too high to deal with his color-coded chart anyway.

*  
They go through a door and sit down, on the floor.

*  
There is more tea, and then Hassan orders them a bunch of things, like at lunch.

*  
There is more food this time, and every time Mark thinks they are done there is something else.

*  
He knows what things are, more or less, but he is just happy to be sitting on the ground and eating with his right hand (not the left, never the left) and everything is just so great.

*  
"This bread. Seriously, Hassan, I want to live in this bread. What do you think about flatbread as a building material? It's probably better than adobe, right? That's such a funny word, adobe, don't you think? Have you been to New Mexico? They have adobe there. Oh, and those Earth ships -- do you know Earth ships? They are crazy, like something out of Tank Girl."

"Wow."

"I love Tank Girl. Have you seen that movie? Did you read the comic? Did you read comics, growing up? Probably I shouldn't talk about comics, huh?"

"Oh, look, tagine."

*  
Okay, whatever is in there is like, so good.

*  
It is great.

*  
The light is dim, but not dark.

*  
Hassan just keeps smiling at Mark, goofily.

*  
He knows that he is high and babbling, but whatever.

*  
No one cares.

*  
No one is listening to him, or them.

*  
"Did you try this? You have to try this. I have to learn how to make this. Maybe we need that special pot, with the weird lid. They could ship it, I'm sure. Do you want one? Maybe I should get your mother one. Would she use it? She'd probably use it more than me, now that I think about it."

"Holy hell, you are wasted."

*  
Mark is quiet when they finally leave the restaurant.

*  
Hassan buys him a bottle of water from someone on the street.

*  
"Taxi?"

"Let's walk a little bit."

"I thought your feet hurt."

"Please? Just for ten minutes."

*  
Everything is so different at night.

*  
The light is gone and the air is cold on his cheeks.

*  
The cats are more active, prowling the streets.

*  
"Mark, babe, don't pet that cat."

"It likes me, though, look."

*  
Hassan keeps his hand on Mark's elbow the whole time, so he does not wander off.

*  
After a while they get a taxi.

*  
His feet hurt super bad and his legs are so stiff.

*  
"Do you want to swim, Hassan? It's heated. I want to swim, can we swim?"

*  
They don't actually swim, really.

*  
They get in the water, which is warm, in between a puddle and a bath.

*  
It is Mark's idea.

*  
He paid for the damn thing, after all.

*  
"We should go steam tomorrow."

"Yeah, maybe."

*  
He loves the hammam.

*  
He will rent them a private room, maybe, for after.

*  
He still wants to do _it_ for real back in one of those rooms.

*  
The last time they jerked one another off, their faces obscured by steam and their laps covered by tiny white towels, in case someone walked in.

*  
That was crazy fucking hot.

*  
All sweaty and frantic and desperate?

*  
Ugh, so hot.

*  
Hassan is _so hot_.

*  
And good in bed.

*  
He gets what Mark likes, and he likes all those things too.

*  
They change and get in the pool and sort of splash around.

*  
And touch, in passing, under the water.

*  
Everything feels tickly, maybe a residual high, or just the way skin on skin feels, under water.

*  
It feels good.

*  
Different.

*  
If they were in San Fransisco Mark would be bent over something by now.

*  
Or pressed up against the wall, grinding his ass back into Hassan.

*  
A couple of times he and Mark have been making out against the wall in the hallway, and then he has hoisted Mark up, letting Mark wrap his legs around him.

*  
They don't spend too much time on kissing.

*  
Mark has started to like kissing a lot, actually.

*  
 _After._

*  
Not before.

*  
Kissing can be rough, and bitey, and then it is okay before.

*  
Mark likes it a little rough.

*

Or a lot rough.

*  
When Hassan picks him up, cupping his hands under his ass and carrying him over to the kitchen table and shoving everything onto the floor --

*  
\--that's _awesome._

*  
He has really strong arms, from digging.

*  
He does not work out, really, and he still looks great.

*  
Mark should be jealous that he looks like that.

*  
But he looks like _that_ , and he fucks Mark like _that._

*  
Both of those things are, in and of themselves, pretty incredible.

*  
And he likes Mark, for whatever reason.

*  
The sex probably has something to do with it, the times when they are frantic and chairs and books get knocked out of the way, and then when Mark has his pants yanked around his ankles Hassan will kiss Mark roughly and flip him onto his stomach, his hands pressed flat against the table -- or the counter -- or the wall -- or the couch.

*  
Everything is so low to the ground in Morocco that there is nothing to be bent over.

*  
He is hard, in their warm little pool, thinking about sex.

*  
The next time Hassan moves past him Mark takes his hand and puts it on his crotch.

*  
Hassan is hard too, he can feel it, through his swimsuit.

*  
Normally they would have sex and then kiss after.

*  
Sometimes long enough to go again, slower that time.

*  
Here in Africa things are inverted.

*  
Here Hassan backs Mark up to the side of the pool, against the edge, and there they make out, and put their hands down each others' swimsuits and simply touch, while they kiss.

*  
It is languid, and slow.

*  
It feels really good.

*  
Mark likes to be touched, he has realized.

*  
For the same reasons he likes sex.

*  
He gets to _be there_ for it.

*  
Of course that sounds delusional.

*  
But look, his brain is always twenty paces ahead, four hundred miles ahead of everything and everybody else.

*  
And his memory lags. It moves slowly through the mire of the past.

*  
He dwells on things.

*  
He replays them, obsessively.

*  
Masochism, no doubt.

*  
But the thing about all that sex stuff.

*  
All of Mark's sex stuff?

*  
It's not really all that fucked up.

*  
It is, in perspective, hardly strange at all.

*  
When he is blowing a guy, any guy, or taking it up the ass, or even, yes, making out -- he gets to _be there_ , for all of that.

*  
It is his body that makes him be there for it.

*  
In between his mind and his memory.

*  
That is hardly all that weird.

*  
His body is maybe not so much to look at, but it feels things well enough.

*  
It feels the trace of wet fingertips across his chest.

*  
And how it feels to have a tongue in his ear.

*  
The sneezy-ticklish feeling under his ribs when Hassan cups his balls through his swim trunks.

*  
The way Hassan's dick fills his hand perfectly, the head pulsing against his thumb.

*  
Mark's shoulders are cold, but his torso is warm and his crotch is flooded with heat.

*  
He comes first.

*  
Mark moans and his hips jerk forward.

*  
Hassan puts his hands on Mark's damp shoulders and fits their mouths together.

*  
His thumbs move up and down the sides of Mark's face.

*  
"You're perfect."

"You're delusional."

"Not one bit."

*  
Mark bites his lip and tries not to smile and cry at the same time.

*  
He says thank you, and Hassan says it right back.

*  
The sheets have been changed on the bed, which they get in after they dry off.

*  
"We should do hammam, you're right."

"It'll help your legs, probably."

"Will you keep the beard?"

*  
Hassan agrees to that, although he looks uncertain.

*  
Mark loves his stubble.

*  
It is not, maybe, the only thing that he loves.

*  
The next morning at breakfast he does not finish off the jam.

*  
"No?"

"My teeth hurt."

"You should floss."

"I floss."

"I have never once seen you floss."

*  
It is their last day in Fez, so they get an early start.

*  
They have a long list of things to see: some madrasas, the university, the synagogue, a clock and an estate and a bunch of mosques.

*  
"That's an ambitious itinerary."

"Too much?"

"We can put a dent in that thing."

*  
That day Hassan looks over Mark's shoulder at the color-coded charts and the face of his phone.

*  
He asks directions (he is not afraid to ask directions), and they go from place to place all morning.

*  
They do not even stop for coffee.

*  
"Are you sure?"

"We have stuff to see. Do you want a Coke?"

*  
He gets Mark a Coke.

*  
They don't even eat real lunch, since Hassan keeps buying them snacks.

*  
Mark is worn the hell out.

*  
"You okay?"

"Can we go sit down somewhere?"

"Yeah, of course."

*  
They sit down and get tea.

*  
Mark is totally thirsty.

*  
Once he sits down he realizes how badly his legs hurt.

*  
Even though Mark walks in San Francisco, and goes on hikes, sometimes, his calves feel like someone has set them on fire.

*  
His feet are all hot and swollen.

*  
"I think we've done enough, maybe."

"There are half a dozen more things on this list."

"Those are all totally optional. Let's go steam."

"Your legs hurt?"

"Something like that."

*  
Hassan grins, wolfish.

*  
Mark has to look away for a second.

*  
He knows what that look means.

*  
That is the look that made him want to drive to the East Bay at ten at night on a Tuesday.

*  
Totally worth it.

*  
That look makes Mark feel like prey.

*  
Not in charge.

*  
Fuck, it makes him so goddamned horny.

*  
"Maybe we should use the one at the riad?"

"Less authentic, maybe."

"That's true."

"More privacy, though."

"Also true."

*  
Hassan drums his fingers on the wooden table.

*  
He has wiry dark hair on his knuckles.

*  
It tickles sometimes, when he puts his fingers inside of Mark.

*  
Mark can feel his pelvis go tingly, when he thinks about Hassan putting his fingers inside of him.

*  
How he only licks him, down there, for a couple of minutes, before spitting on him and scissoring his fingers to stretch him out.

*  
They buy lubricated condoms; it is not like he takes Mark dry.

*  
But he loves the burn of it.

*  
God, he fucking loves it.

*  
It makes his dick take notice, now that he is thinking about it.

*  
"I think maybe back at the riad."

"Good choice."

*  
It is, of course, a very good choice.

*  
Mark would get a better massage at the communal hammam, he knows.

*  
They went to those all the time, in Anatolia.

*  
But they were not fucking then.

*  
Not like they are now.

*  
Though they still use condoms.

*  
Mark Zuckerberg has never had sex without a condom, except with Eduardo.

*  
He is the only one, ever, and of course he did not fuck Mark, like that.

*  
The things Eduardo liked were similar to the things Mark likes, but, truth be told, he would rather they be done _to_ him.

*  
Mark spends all of his time being in charge of an empire, essentially.

 

*  
They change in their room but wait to shower until they are downstairs.

*  
The room is private.

*  
Mark opts not to get a massage.

*  
He starts to sweat almost immediately.

*  
He swears he can smell mint coming out of his pores.

*  
It is a little hard to see, because of the steam.

*  
"I can rub your calves, c'mon, put them on my lap."

"Ow, ow!"

"Shit, sorry, sorry. Breathe into it. Relax, relax."

*  
He works the knots out of Mark's calves with his thumbs.

*  
And then he takes off his towel and puts it down on the tile, so Mark does not slip around while he blows him.

*  
He is considerate, in some ways.

*  
And in some ways he is less considerate, but those are all ways Mark enjoys.

*  
Seriously, seriously enjoys.

*  
Mark chases him with his mouth.

*  
His dick keeps slipping out of Mark's grip, because he is sweaty all over.

*  
His skin tastes salty.

*  
His vision is obscured and everything is hazy.

*  
The hair that tickles his nose is damp with sweat.

*  
It smells like eucalyptus.

*  
There is a burn behind Mark's eyes.

*  
He jerks off at the same time.

*  
It hardly takes anything, a mere flick of the wrist for him to come, first, again.

*  
He cannot wait.

*  
Hassan always lets Mark decide whether to swallow or not.

*  
He warns him.

*  
Mark can feel his stomach start to tense up.

*  
That moment, right before Hassan comes, is maybe the sexiest thing Mark can think of.

*  
When his mouth is full and his mind is quiet and there is just the two of them, the promise of orgasm immanent?

*  
Jesus, it is so hot.

*  
Sometimes he swallows, greedily.

*  
Other times he pulls back, and makes sure to close his eyes.

*  
Either way Hassan will kiss him, after.

*  
He likes to lick Mark clean.

*  
He is nasty, just like Mark.

*  
He is not squeamish, not one bit.

*  
"Jesus, Mark, Mark, fuck, babe, _fuck_ , I'm gonna--"

*  
Mark does not pull off.

*  
His knees burn, from kneeling on the tile floor.

*  
He swallows.

*  
It tastes minty.

*  
Of course that could just be the power of suggestion.

*  
"Hey."

"Hey."

"Come kiss me."

"Help me up."

"What happened?"

"My leg is asleep."

*  
He pulls Mark up, onto his lap.

*  
They kiss, then, after.

*  
Hassan still has all his stubble, which he rubs against Mark's cheek. It is prickly.

*  
Mark likes the scrape of it over his neck and under his ears.

*  
It is very masculine, he thinks.

*  
He, himself, can only manage a few pale chin pubes.

*  
All he has to shave is his chin, two quick swipes of the razor.

*  
Mark is smooth -- he is never going to have hair on his forearms or his stomach.

*  
He leans back while Hassan kisses his neck, and presses his back to Hassan's chest.

*  
His chest hair tickles Mark's back.

*  
He turns Mark's head with his hand and finds his mouth with his own.

*

He makes Mark gasp like a girl, the way he kisses him.

*  
"We didn't finish your list."

"I'll live."

*  
Their tagine that night has wrinkly black olives and preserved lemons in it.

*  
A lot of the food has an undercurrent of bitterness, sourness.

*  
Ten years ago he would not have touched an olive.

*  
Maybe his palate has changed.

*  
Maybe that is how you know you are an adult, if you can eat an olive without wincing.

*  
"You are making the most horrible face right now."

"Patently untrue. This is my normal eating face."

"Suit yourself."

*  
He is not going to admit to hating olives.

*  
But man, they are fucking gross.

*  
They go to bed early because the next day is a travel day, through Rabat to Casablanca.

*  
They will not stay there long.

*  
Lonely Planet says it is _crowded_ and _suffocating_ and _European_ , and a better place to change trains than to hang out.

*  
It is just a waystation; a port of call.

*  
Ports are interesting, outposts of civilization and of empire.

*  
Mark has been reading the historical sections of his travel guides.

*  
They both read and doze and stare out the bus windows.

*  
Mark looks back and forth between the dusty highway and Hassan turning the pages of a novel.

*  
He lets himself read for fun on his vacations, but his work, so to speak, has no clearcut beginning, no hard-and-fast end.

*  
He can work whenever he wants, which can get overwhelming.

*  
Mark understands being caught up in things which occupy all of your time, and even more of your mental energy.

*  
Work, though, if you love it -- even though it wears you out and exhausts you, even though it does all that -- if you love it, then it is not work, really, at all.

*  
People like Hassan and Mark are single minded because they are always working, always thinking, never off.

*  
It is passion that drives them to do what they do.

*  
Not idealism, or loyalty -- and certainly not wealth.

*  
Hassan works harder than Mark, these days.

*  
Mark is an architect, though he no longer builds every piece of infrastructure on his own.

*  
Which, thank God.

*  
That is way too much for one person.

*  
Hassan is doing the work of so many people.

*  
He is a student and a teacher, at the same time, and no one pays him well to be either of those things.

*  
Mark finds himself wishing that graduate assistants made better salaries, because Hassan works harder than almost anyone he knows.

*  
He is clearly not motivated by money.

*  
Mark has tons of money, but he is not ever excited about the prospect of making more.

*  
Money is not the point, for Mark.

*  
Never has been.

*  
Domination, expansion, indispensability.

*  
Those are the things that propel him, these days.

*  
And a healthy dose of competition.

*  
He wanted China, and he hated that Google got there first.

*  
They backed out, though, because they wanted to take a stance against censorship.

*  
Mark knows that China is a complicated place, where they execute ten thousand political prisoners annually.

*  
There are all sorts of problems about doing business with China.

*  
Mark does not care about the specifics -- not the display ads, not the marketing data they could compound and sell.

*  
It would be a coup.

*  
It would be _huge._

*  
A conquest.

*  
Over a billion potential new users.

*

One billion.

*  
God, that's huge.

*  
 _That_ is what drives him.

*  
It is like a mountain, maybe, to be scaled.

*  
Though he worries about his lack of ideals.

*  
He knows right from wrong.

*  
Mark knows there are absolutes, in the world.

*  
He has seen enough grainy footage of Dachau and Birkenau to know the difference.

*  
So he is not sure what he should do.

*  
He knows what Sean thinks, which is that it is a _no-brainer._

*  
Mark is not entirely convinced.

*  
Casablanca is sprawling.

*  
After Fez, it seems altogether unlovely.

*  
Their hotel is art deco.

*  
Mark supposes it is romantic.

*  
They go out for dinner and then for a walk.

*  
There is too much traffic.

*  
Honking.

*  
Cars backfiring.

*  
Shouting.

*  
Motorcycles.

*  
There are no camels in Casablanca; nor are there any donkeys.

*  
The stray cats are slightly less prevalent, but they are there.

*  
"I think I liked Fez better."

"We're hardly here for any time at all."

"You don't mind leaving so soon, do you?"

"Course not."

"It's just so dirty."

"All cities are dirty."

"Fair point. It just doesn't feel very authentically Moroccan, is my sense."

"We've been here for four hours."

"Just that -- it's more like Europe, because everyone's so cosmpolitan."

"Do we need to have a discussion about geographical imaginaries and divergent modes of temporality again, Mark?"

"I suppose no. Unless, you know, you want to."

*  
Mark has no idea what that discussion means.

*  
They have had it several times.

*  
It is no hardship to listen to Hassan talk, because he gets all animated and excited and his eyes flash bright.

*  
Mark thinks that is so cool, though he is always at a loss for something to say.

*  
He has a stock response up his sleeve now, which is pretty hilarious.

*  
It makes Hassan splutter, indignantly.

*  
Sometimes Mark likes to wind him up.

*  
"I think you're relying too heavily on binaries, Hassan."

"You did not, Zuckerberg, you did _not_."

"Can't you just concede that it's more complicated than that?"

"Bastard. You are a complete and utter bastard."

"You love it."

"So do you."

*  
He might.

*  
Maybe.

*  
Yeah, no.

*  
He does.

*  
Casablanca is a big city. The midday sun bakes the heat into the concrete.

*  
There are clumps of slow-moving cars that honk, ceaselessly, and there is not enough shade in the lingering afternoon sun and it makes Mark's head hurt.

*  
In Casablanca he feels substantially worse about all of the stray cats, because he can imagine that they sometimes run out into the palm-tree lined lanes and get hit by buses, or cars, or mopeds, or taxi vans with shitty suspension and even shittier brakes.

*  
That afternoon they visit the mosque that shares Hassan's name, one of the largest in the world. This is one of only two Moroccan mosques that they, as non-Muslims, can go into.

*  
The other is nestled far off in the Atlas Mountains, in Tin Mal, where the Almohad Caliphate controlled an territory that stretched across the pillars of Hercules into Iberia, before the reconquest by the Spanish.

*  
Casablanca was a French colony, once, itself.

*  
The mosque is spacious. They leave their shoes in a line by the entranceway. They are not allowed to take pictures. The voice of their guide echoes across the vaulted ceilings.

*  
Mark looks at the arches, and the calligraphy, and the non-representational art.

*  
It is a building that could make him believe in religion, perhaps.

*

It is a building that feels like religion.

*  
From the outside, the huge structure looks west over the Atlantic Ocean; on the cusp of the known earth between earth and water and sky.

*  
Mark is interested in antiquity, in empires.

*  
He has found a way to connect people, and in doing so to build an empire of his own, and that is no small feat.

*  
To conquer the known world and then to sail past the Pillars of Hercules.

*  
 _Nec plus ultra_ was written on them.

*  
Supposedly Atlantis lay beyond that.

*  
(Supposedly.)

*  
Mark is like Alexander, he is running out of places to go.

*

The world is much smaller now than it was for Alexander.

*  
After China -- if they go for China, if they get China -- there will be nowhere left, and things will be stable for a while, and then the decay will set in.

*  
That is what happens, with things people build.

*  
They crumble. Everything fades.

*  
Eternity, Mark knows, is nothing but an illusion.

*  
They leave the mosque and find their shoes and then walk until they are ready for dinner.

*  
Mark notices every single stray cat, and many dogs as well.

*  
It makes him sad.

*  
"Did you hear me?"

"Hmm?"

"You were spacing out again."

"It's been a long day. I'm just tired."

"I'll get the check."

*  
He is worn out from the day of travel, so he should sleep well, but he does not.

*  
It takes him forever to get comfortable, on their low mattress.

*  
Hassan's breathing is bugging him and he kicks, randomly, in the middle of the night.

*  
Mark feels hot and has to toss all of the covers onto Hassan.

*  
He feels like he has too many arms.

*  
Why haven't they invented detachable arms yet, for sleeping?

*  
He tries to get comfortable, and tries to not worry, to just sleep, because tomorrow they have travel south and then east, through the mountains to Marrakesh.

*  
Mark worries, though, about the future.

*  
He worries all the time, about the future, though he has put a lot of work into letting go of the past.

*  
He really has been trying, to be a better person, and everything, but he can't shake the feeling that every single person on the planet hates him, specifically.

*  
Even before facebook Mark had a bit of a persecution complex.

*  
Now he only has to Google his own name to find out what everyone thinks of him -- people who hide behind anonymity and ignorance and call him horrible names.

*  
He does this sometimes, because he is curious.

*  
It is a morbid curiosity.

*  
It is also much easier to be hated.

*  
Mark has always found it pretty easy, actually, to be hated, for people to dislike him.

*  
(He once wrote snide bullshit from a dark room, too.)

*  
He has a lot of anger, himself, and he's never had any trouble directing it inward.

*  
What is more frightening is being vulnerable.

*  
Being open, or trusting another person, or letting yourself be loved.

*  
Believing, in the end, that you deserve to be loved, despite knowing that you are not really a very nice person.

*  
He tries to wake Hassan up, by shaking his shoulder.

*  
"Hey, hey. Are you awake?"

"Hmph."

"You don't think I'm an asshole, do you?"

*  
Hassan just kicks his leg and mumbles something unintelligible.

*  
So much for hushed conversations in the middle of the night.

*  
He positions himself near Hassan's armpit and tries to get comfortable, to find a place to put his own arms.

*  
Morning comes too soon, with too little sleep, and Mark is grouchy the next day.

*  
He had wanted to go to Essaouria, in the south, but they would be really pressed for time to do that and catch their flight from Marrakesh back to San Fransisco.

*  
They are hurrying as it is, because the spring semester will be starting soon, and Hassan will have syllabi to prepare and lecture notes to write and proposals to revise and presentations to make.

*  
And Mark will go back to work, and talk to Sean, and try to figure out what to do about China.

*  
He mentions his misgivings, on the bus, as they head inland.

*  
Hassan has opinions, but he uses a lot of jargon, sometimes, and Mark doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.

*  
Plus he is conflicted.

*  
"I'm just not sure what to do."

"Well, I can't tell you what to do."

"It's complicated."

"True story."

"I could ask Chris what he thinks."

"Well, talk to him, then."

*  
There is a long silence as the bus bumps along the highway. The road is getting dustier, the terrain bumpier. It makes Mark's tailbone hurt, every time they go over another rut or pothole.

*  
At least he doesn't get carsick. He never gets carsick.

*  
The landscape changes as they climb.

*  
Mark tries to concentrate on his guidebook, to decide how to best spend their remaining time.

*  
"Do you think it would be weird to ask Eduardo?"

"Him? No."

"It'll be weird."

"He's your friend. It won't. You should."

*  
Mark is unsure.

*  
That night they stay in Marrakesh, which is even more labyrinthine than Fez.

*  
The next day they travel into the desert and come back late in the evening.

*  
On this trip Mark has seen oceans of sand and of water.

*  
He has thought about some stuff.

*  
There are alleys and passageways to explore in Marrakesh, of course.

*  
 _Kif_ to smoke and tea to drink.

*  
Bathhouses to visit; coffee to track down; lamb to eat; and cats to pet.

*  
"I am starting to think you emit cat pheromones, the way they follow you."

*  
There are piles of oranges and snake charmers and smoke in the air and the mountains, all around them.

*  
Mark buys piles of stuff, at the medina.

*  
It is the day before they go home, so he needs to bring back souvenirs, for people.

*  
He buys dried fruit, and bags of spices, and bowls, and oils, and two long-handled coffee pots and a tagine, for Hassan's mother.

*  
"Seriously?"

"They can ship it. I'll ship it."

Hassan just shakes his head.

*  
They go back to their room and collapse onto the bed, the afternoon of their last day.

*  
"You want a backrub?"

"Is that a line?"

"It's a legitimate offer."

*  
Hassan puts a towel down on the bed for Mark to lay on.

*  
They both take all their clothes off.

*  
"Fuck, ow, that's cold."

"Jesus, Mark, stop squirming."

"It tickles."

*  
Hassan rubs oil onto Mark's back.

*  
For a while it tickles, and then it hurts, because his muscles are knotty, and then he feels warm, and limp, and relaxed.

*  
He is sort of half-asleep, his mouth pressed to the towel underneath him.

*  
Mark can feel a cold trickle of liquid down his spine, and over each of his ass cheeks.

*  
He shivers when Hassan circles his asshole with one slippery finger.

*  
And then, like a cat, he arches back and up, silently asking for more.

*  
Hassan slips another oily finger into Mark's ass, and Mark shudders, his mouth falling open, face muffled by the towel, his hips rutting against the bed.

*  
He is pleasurably hard, but the warm feeling in his gut is coming from inside.

*  
Hassan is dragging his fingers over Mark's prostate, and it is delicious.

*  
They have used water-based lube to do this in the past, but lube dries out, whereas this is slippery and greasy, and somehow feels dirtier.

*  
"Come up here, come up here."  
*  
Hassan comes and lays his whole body on top of Mark, presses all his weight against him, his dick nestled in the greasy cleft of Mark's ass cheeks, and Mark turns his head to speak.

*  
"I want you to fuck me."

"You're all greasy."

"That's kind of the point, Hassan."

"But then we can't use a condom."

"Also kind of the point."

"You sure?"

"Is that okay?"

"It's so much more than okay."

*  
Mark has never, in his whole entire life, let someone fuck him without a condom. He has been slutty, sure, but he has not been _stupid._

*  
"You ready?"

"God, yes, I want to feel your cock."

"Fuck, don't talk like that."

"Stop fucking around then and put your goddamn dick in my ass."

"You're fucking disgusting, you know that?"

"So I've heard."

*  
Mark rubs himself against Hassan's hard-on, and then he rolls Mark onto his back and kisses him hard. Mark lifts his hips up. One perfect push is all it will take for Hassan to slide into him, and Mark legitimately whines against his mouth, feeling the hot tip of his dick lingering there, teasing him.

*  
"Oh my God."

"Yeah, fuck."

*  
It is _spectacular._

*  
There is nothing in between them.

*  
Hassan does not start to move, though, once he is inside of Mark. He wriggles his hips and pins Mark to the bed with them. Mark wraps his leg around Hassan's thigh and lets out another little whimper.

*  
"I thought you were gonna fuck me."

"Just hang on for a second."

*  
Mark clenches his muscles and Hassan groans, and then starts to rock into him.

*  
It is raw and intimate and there is nothing in between them.

*  
The only other person he has been with like this, the frictionless slide of skin on skin, the only other person was Eduardo.

*  
"God, Hassan, your dick is amazing."

"Your ass is amazing."

"That feel good?"

"Fuck, babe, you are tight."

"S'nice, right?"

"Fuck, yes, love fucking you, Mark."

*  
It is thorough, and relentless, and Mark feels splayed wide open, full of pleasure and hot relief when he feels Hassan's hips start to stutter, uneven.

*  
"You close?"

"Oh hell yes."

"You want to come in my ass?"

"Fuck."

"Do it, come inside of me, I want you to fill me up, Hassan, fucking come, now."

"Shit, Mark, shit, shit shit."

*  
He can feel it, hot splashes trickling out down his inner thigh, and he wrenches a hand free to touch his own dick, two tugs at the tip is all it takes before he is coming, too, spreading his legs as wide as they will go as they shake through their orgasms, together, soaked with sweat and oil.

*  
The air smells heavy, like sex and come and the rotting floral stink of the orange blossoms on the side table, wilting in the afternoon warmth.

*  
They lie like this, sticky and entwined for a few minutes.

*  
There are kisses, then, and a shower, and a final dinner and walk of the streets.

*  
The cats still follow Mark.

*  
They fuck once more, the other way, when they return to their room.

*  
Mark lies on his back, again, and he uses that same oil on his dick and Hassan sits down slowly, and rides him, until he comes all over Mark's stomach, and Mark comes inside of Hassan's ass.

*  
That is also incredible.

*  
The bed is covered with oil stains, and the room reeks of sex.

*  
Mark has decided that he likes to go on vacation.

*  
The next morning they leave Morocco, in a convoluted blur of luggage and taxis and not enough sleep.

*  
Mark wishes, of course, that they could have had more time there.

*  
"We were one day away from you coming home with a stray cat."

"Did you see the one with the extra toes, though?"

"Yeah, okay, that was cute."

*  
Mark never had furry pets, growing up, since Donna had allergies.

*  
He had a lizard in middle school, but it died.

*  
Hassan says that he is _more of a dog person._

*  
Mark prefers the stray cats to the stray dogs, who are frightening and mangy.

*  
They did not get to see everything on his lists, but it was not that big a deal, in the end.

*  
They change planes in Paris and fly west, with the rising sun.

*  
Mark watches every single movie that looks interesting, but he only finishes one of them to the end.

*  
He is twitchy on the plane and restless.

*  
When they land in San Fransisco he is exhausted and totally disoriented.

*  
Hassan slept on the plane, and is surprisingly perky.

*  
"Where are your keys?"

"In my backpack."

"Do you want to go to Palo Alto?"

"I don't care."

*  
Hassan drives them back to his house, to Oakland, over the bridge.

*  
Mark rests his forehead on the passenger side window and looks at the lights of the cities on either side.

*  
They go to Hassan's place, and Mark lies down in the bedroom.

*  
Hassan goes to a diner down the street and brings them back pancakes and bacon and sausage and a big container of warm syrup.

*  
Mark eats quickly, and then collapses back onto the pillows, mouth sticky.

*  
Hassan shuts the door and lets him sleep.

*  
He blinks awake, several hours later, to find Hassan reading next to him in the bed.

*  
"You need one of those clip-on lights."

"Go back to sleep, Mark."

"Gonna ruin your eyes."

"Shhhh, sleep."

*  
He sleeps.


	7. Chapter 7

*  
The next day they have breakfast at an hour that feels like dinner and then they kiss goodbye, holding hands, next to Mark's car.

*  
He drives back to Silicon Valley and sends texts to everyone to let them know he is home.

*  
Tuesday he goes into the office and Hassan starts the new semester and they both get busy, again.

*  
Mark sees his friends and gives them their presents and Hassan goes to campus, and they meet up, like before, for dinner, and then go back to Mark's place.

*  
"You should have bought a new rug in Marrakesh. This thing is ruined."

*  
The rug is ruined, but Mark likes it that way. Each stain, to him, is like a memory.

*  
There is a spill of Red Bull from a time between rounds one and two, back in late August, when Hassan put three fingers inside Mark and his legs flexed hard and he kicked over the aluminum can.

*  
From mid-September there is a flat greasy stain where Hassan's elbow knocked over the uncapped lube bottle and he was too busy biting Mark's shoulder to notice.

*  
There is a spill of hot sauce from sometime in October, which has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with Mark eating chicken wings alone on the floor in front of the television watching something atrocious meant for a much younger demographic.

*  
Nothing got spilled in November, but there is a crusty patch near one tasseled corner that refuses to budge, no matter how much he scrubs at it, which, to be fair, is not that much.

*  
"Please tell me this is not a come stain that I am sitting on right now."

"Uh, okay. It's not?"

"Mine or yours?"

"Yours, most likely."

*  
Mark has a bit of a thing for that, if he's being perfectly honest, though of course he does not know why.

*  
Not using condoms is the greatest thing ever, seriously.

*  
He even tells Theresa that they are doing it that way, and yes, now they are fluid-bonded and he knows what that entails.

*  
Mark figures out really quickly what that entails. Like how it makes it hard as hell to concentrate on conference calls with Dublin held at ungodly early hours, when his asshole is sore and chafed, and he never feels quite dry, down there.

*  
It makes him squirm in his ergonomic office chair. It makes his fingers grow moist and his mouth turn dry.

*  
God, it's good.

*  
It makes them late for things, because Mark never wants it to end, when they do it.

*  
He wants to prolong the feeling for basically forever. He hardly even cares about coming.

*  
Hassan may feel somewhat differently, of course.

*  
"We're gonna be late," Hassan says, against Mark's Adam's apple.

"I don't care," Mark says, leaning back into the cradle of Hassan's hands, splayed wide over his lower back. "I don't fucking -- oh, what, Jesus -- don't care," he chokes out. He is on top, but Hassan is setting the pace, his back against the couch, and he is moving Mark up and down with his hands. Mark can hear himself, low in his ears, making these hollow ragged groaning noises, and his skin is mottled pink with exertion.

*  
He has his hands clasped tight around Hassan's neck. The scrape of his face against Mark's neck has crossed over from pleasurably scratchy to burning and painful.

*  
Mark rubs his face against Hassan's face, like a cat.

*  
Hell, he might even make a mewling noise, that is how fucking good it feels.

*  
"God, look at you," Hassan says, pulling away to watch Mark twist and wriggle in his grip, greedy for more pressure on his prostate, or a hint of friction against the head of his cock. His fingers stay firm on Mark's back.

*  
His hands are smoother now than they were in the summer.

*  
Mark liked how the calluses he built up would nick his skin and catch in his hair.

*  
When he thinks about Hassan going on another dig, in the summer, which he does not like the thought of, he comforts himself by imagining the way his callused hands will feel as he thumbs open Mark's mouth before he slips his tongue in there, hot and full.

*  
Or how they will feel in his ass, when he is on his back and grinding down on two or three or maybe even four of Hassan's fingers.

*  
But now his fingers are smooth, walking down Mark's spine and getting them slippery in the slicks of oily lube leaking from Mark's ass.

*  
Jesus, it's good.

*  
"Never -- stop - fucking -- me--" Mark shudders, grunting out each word on every thrust up and in. His own dick bobs heavy in the air, the head only infrequently slapping against Hassan's stomach.

*  
Hassan pushes Mark down the whole length of his dick and then holds him there as he shakes.

*  
He doesn't come, but his whole body vibrates with pleasure.

*  
"Come here, come here," Hassan says, sliding his hand into Mark's hair and then kissing him, pulling him even further forward, so his back arches.

*  
He can feel his asshole flutter and contract around Hassan's dick. He wants to hold it in him forever, and yet, he wants to come, too.

*  
The tip of his penis slides against Hassan's abdomen and he opens his mouth, gasping, almost silently, as Hassan rubs his hands against Mark's lower back, and then drops one to touch with two fingers, the place where they are joined.

*  
"God, can you feel that?" he whispers, against Mark's ear, and Mark shudders and then goes still as he starts to rub against his ass, one finger on either side of his cock, everything all slippery and confusing and stinky and then somehow he is the one doing the work, fucking himself first slowly and then faster on the hard cock in his ass, and Hassan presses down harder with his fingers and tweaks Mark's nipple with his other fingers and is saying all the nasty things that Mark likes to hear him say, and Mark is not just these isolated bits of body -- of dick and ass and mouth -- but he is suddenly so there, so _everywhere._

*  
"You like my cock, Mark?"

"So good, so, so good."

"Yeah, go on, ride me like that. Ride that dick, there you go, God, you're such a slut for my cock," he breathes out.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Should I come in your ass, huh? Fill your tight little ass all up with my come, would you like that? You'd like that, wouldn't you, if I got you all messy, filled you up from the inside, yeah?"

"Oh, fuck, Hassan, fuck --"

*  
He does not touch Mark's dick, nor does he let Mark jerk himself off.

*  
Hassan grabs Mark's hands and pins them to his lower back as he rides him, his spine curved and rigid, his mind going totally blank, every synapse on edge with anticipation and pleasure.

*  
"Come for me, Mark, come on, do it, there you go."

*  
He does, collapsing forward jerkily.

*  
Hassan follows a few moments later, filling Mark with warmth.

*  
When Mark finally untangles himself from Hassan he sits on the rug, bare-assed and cross-legged. Wetness trickles out onto the carpet.

*  
"Oops."

"I should make you clean that up," Hassan says, with a grin.

*  
Mark grins back.

*  
It is, after all, a very nice rug.

*  
Mark is in a great mood, though he is spaced out, so that on a Tuesday when he is working late because he came in an hour late -- which he really needs to not do, so much, because he is supposed to _lead by example_ , as Randi tells him.

*  
He knows she is talking to his mom, and that makes his skin crawl.

*  
Mark hates it when he knows that he is the subject of conversation, speculation.

*  
His brain flips between these two thoughts -- that he is really happy with his boyfriend, and that this happiness is something that is talked about, which feels strangely invasive.

*  
Mark picks at his lip and stares at the window, and it is in this position that Dustin finds him, plopping down on Mark's desk and swinging his legs back and forth as he starts talking, like he does, fast.

*  
Dustin does not have a lot of subtext.

*  
Clare calls it a _lack of verbal filter_ , and she may have a point.

*  
"...if you don't mind? I mean, we can bring him to your place, instead, if you want, but it might be easier if it's gonna be for a couple nights to stay at ours. That's where the food is, and Clare's gotten sort of crazy about potential allergens, even though you don't have pets, though I guess maybe you could be allergic to chickens. You can be allergic to anything. You know, I had a friend in middle school who was allergic to lettuce. Lettuce!"

*  
Mark blinks.

*  
"Is that cool?"

"Um."

"Just Friday and Saturday. We'll be in a hotel. Back Sunday."

"Sunday."

"We're thinking Indian food, but not, you know, too soon beforehand. And then she's got this outfit like Saffron in that one scene in Firefly, which, Mark, I know you're not into girls, but seriously, her boobs are amazing right now. Her face is kind of fat, it looks like she's just got her wisdom teeth taken out, but her boobs are crazy."

"Whose boobs?"

"Clare's boobs, dumbass."

"Oh, okay."

"But Christina Hendricks has probably the best rack in this galaxy. Or any other."

"Gross, Dustin."

"Mark, you would so motorboat her, let's be honest. Those things are spectacular."

"Please stop."

"You wouldn't?"

*  
He thinks about it.

*  
 _Hm._

*  
Nope, still nothing.

*  
"Aesthetically, you may have a point. But no."

Dustin sighs and shakes his head.

"I pity your life, Mark, I really do. So will you?"

"This weekend?"

*  
Mark has weekend plans -- plans that involve the delivery of diner food and wearing his sweatpants, both of which he can do, easily enough, while watching Max so Dustin and Clare can go have a baby-inducing curry and roleplay romp -- but he wasn't planning on spending it alone, and certainly not in Dustin's house.

*  
"Can I bring someone?"

*  
Dustin makes a face like he has just bitten down on a lemon slice, but he rescinds it, quickly.

*  
Mark still registers it.

*  
He knows Dustin has been holding on to his reservations about Hassan, for no good reason, really, only because he is Dustin and he doesn't like for anything to change, and he feels bad, and kind of like a bad friend, and Mark never ever wants to feel like a bad friend, despite his track record and his generally shitty personality.

*  
Dustin is his best friend now, so he needs to stop thinking with his dick and be a good friend.

*  
"I mean, I don't have to. We had plans, but it's fine, I can figure it out."

*  
In his head he is working through the logistics of driving into the city and buying Max a bunch of new toys and setting him up a bed in the back room and getting some walkie talkies so they can monitor him and when he is asleep they will be able to watch their movies, as previously planned, and Mark can wear his sweatpants, also as planned, because he doesn't like to wear underwear, with those, and Hassan will rub his boner while they watch TV, through his sweats, and Mark will sit through any godforsaken shit, even if it's got subtitles, if he is being stroked like that, and turned on like that, and getting wet like that, and being kept on the edge, like that --

*  
"...just use the guest room, okay?"

*  
Mark processes this.

*  
"Sure."

"Awesome. Come over around six?"

*  
Mark says okay, and Dustin smiles and says something else about tits. Mark shakes his head and then he goes back to work.

*  
Work, staring at the window.

*  
Same difference.

*  
Hassan cannot reschedule office hours, though Mark asks.

*  
"Take a cab down. I'll pay."

"I can take Caltrain, it's no big."

"Let me pick you up."

"When?"

"Like four"

"It's really fine."

"You sure?"

"Seriously, I can work on the train."

*  
Mark hangs up, and then goes online and buys a Caltrain pass. He forwards the confirmation email, and closes the computer before he gets a reply.

*  
Hassan has to use blocking programs for when he is writing.

*  
Otherwise, he says, he will waste time and procrastinate.

*  
So for 45 minutes out of every hour that he works, he will not check emails, or Facebook, or the Onion, or YouTube, or ESPN.com.

*  
Mark still doesn't get the deal with football.

*  
He sometimes feels like an elitist East Coast snob, which is silly, because he went to Harvard, and they basically pioneered football in America.

*  
Freshman year at an AEPi tailgate party for The Game Chris introduced him to Eduardo Saverin, sophomore.

*  
Even back then he didn't get what the big deal was about football.

*  
On Friday he sleeps alone, in Palo Alto. Even though it is not really warm enough outside, he goes for a swim. The pool is, after all, heated.

*  
Mark likes being in the water, though he does not like going to the beach, where other people are aware of his pale stomach and weird toes and total inability to do anything but turn polo-shirt-pink after ten minutes in the sun.

*  
But sluicing through the water feels wonderful.

*  
It is repetitive - both difficult and dull, and it makes him tired but also energized.

*  
Mark has missed his pool, and his birds, and his patio.

*  
He goes to work.

*  
Dustin is whistling, and he winks every time Mark catches his eye through the glass dividing their offices.

*  
 _Gross._

*  
He picks Hassan up from the Menlo Park station.

*  
"Hey."

"Hey."

"How was the train?"

"Comfy. Thanks, by the way."

"Course."

"What time are we supposed to be there, seven?"

"No, six."

*  
Hassan rubs his eyes. He looks bleary.

*  
"There's a Peet's on the way."

"Fuck, yes, that would be amazing."

*  
And then he tells Mark about his day, and his meetings, and the book he's reading and the ideas he's had as they go through the drive-through and then sit in late afternoon traffic on the way to Dustin and Clare's. Mark parks in the driveway and puts on the emergency brake, out of habit.

*  
Hassan pounds the rest of his coffee, and when Mark leans over and kisses him, there, in the driveway, in the front seat of the car, across the gearshift and emergency brake, his mouth tastes like smoke and sugar.

*  
It is a buzz by proxy, to kiss him.

*  
Dustin was right, Clare somehow looks even more pregnant than she did the week before, when she and Max dropped by the office, and both went into the break room for all the girls to squeal over.

*  
Max has grown from a quiet chubby baby into a tiny mobile person who likes to pull things down off tables and put them in his mouth.

*  
Clare has left lists, and Post-Its, with instructions and contingency plans.

*  
She keeps kissing Max goodbye.

*  
Dustin seems eager to go.

*  
"Clare, come on. We have a reservation. He's gonna be fine."

*  
It takes them ten minutes to get out the door.

*  
Max has already been fed, so all he needs is a bath and a story and then bed.

*  
Mark says that he will deal with it.

*  
He is holding Max, who has become quite heavy, and who has decided that the best place for his fingers is in Mark's nose.

*  
"I can help."

"No, finish your work so we can hang out."

"You sure?"

"Sure."

"Yes!" shouts Max, and then he claps his hands together, excitedly.

*

He only has one volume, which is loud, and one speed, which is fast.

*

He is definitely Dustin's son.

*  
Mark takes Max into the bathroom and deals with the toilet and the bathwater and the hair-washing and the toweling dry and the getting dressed and the tucking in and the bedtime story about dinosaurs because Max is like his dad, he thinks dinosaurs are totally awesome and Mark stays sitting next to him on his bed with its vintage-print Star Wars sheets and puts his nose on Max's slightly damp head and his fragile little fingers flex against the sheets and in that moment he gets exactly what Clare means with all those lists and all those different Post-Its.

*  
He stays there until the smell of baby shampoo is replaced by that of food cooking, and he gets up, quietly, and turns the light out, and shuts the door.

*  
Hassan is in the kitchen, sitting at the table, reading and making notes.

*  
The oven is on and it smells like bread.

*  
"You're cooking."

"As per instructions," he says, holding up a piece of paper.

*  
Clare has left them a frozen pizza, and beer, and salad.

*  
Mark gets them their beers from the fridge, but after only one pull he has to go spit his out, in the sink.

*  
"Ugh, this is disgusting."

"It tastes like molasses or something."

"It's like the world's worst cookie. I can't drink this."

"The wine isn't off limits, is it?"

"Christ, it had better not be."

*  
Mark finds them something drinkable to have with their gluten-free pizza, which tastes like cardboard, only basil-y.

*  
It's pretty gross.

*  
They get a little tipsy but not drunk, and decide to deal with the plates and stuff in the morning.

*  
Mark dumps the undrunk beers down the sink and puts them in the recycling bin, and then goes to check on Max while Hassan picks them out a movie.

*  
He stands there, in the darkened doorway, after making sure that Max is still breathing (he is) and that the baby monitor is still on (it is), and then he goes back to find Hassan exactly where he left him, in front of Dustin's DVD collection.

*  
"This is insane."

"He likes box sets."

"Yeah, I'll say."

"Just pick something."

"I'm overwhelmed."

*  
They look at movies, and narrow it down to four choices: an action movie, a comedy, something foreign, and a documentary.

*  
"Let's watch this."

"I didn't know you were interested in street art."

"Not per se, but I have a vested interest in Max sleeping through the night."

"So not _The Dark Night Rises_?"

"Maybe not my top choice, for tonight at least."

*  
They bring the wine bottle over to the coffee table, and put it next to the baby monitor.

*  
Mark only half pays attention to the screen, sitting first upright and then leaning his head against Hassan's shoulder, and then slumping against his chest and then finding himself, somehow, with his head in his lap, his eyes crusty with sleep.

*  
He wakes up intermittently, to bright flashes of light and splashes of paint, on the huge flat television screen.

*  
It seems interesting enough, but he is so tired.

*  
He does not remember making it to the bedroom, but he does dream, that night, in a bed that is not one with which he is familiar.

*  
He sleeps shallowly, jolted awake every hour on the hour by horrific images, of nuclear plants in meltdown and jetplanes falling from the sky.

*  
His heart races and he pushes himself up out of bed to pad over to Max's room and make sure he is still all right.

*  
He is fine.

*  
The noise of the baby monitor, the crackle and hiss of sound without any noise, worms its way into his dreams.

*  
Of course Mark does not think that psychology is anything but bullshit pseudoscience.

*  
Not that he would say that to his mom; or at least not to her face.

*  
Dreams are just the brain's way of excising information. It's not like they mean anything.

*  
It is just being in an unfamiliar bed and the static seeping into his subconscious, transforming into tidal waves, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes.

*  
He wakes up on Saturday, groggy.

*  
Max is sitting on the floor of the kitchen, surrounded by piles of educational toys, which Mark steps on, barefoot.

*  
"Shit!" he yelps, sitting down on the floor and rubbing his heel.

*  
Max claps his hands.

*  
His face is covered in peach yogurt.

*  
Hassan is trying to make pancakes, though he burns one batch and sets off the smoke detector.

*  
There is orange juice and maple syrup and a Mountain Dew for Mark, on the table.

*  
Hassan puts Max in his chair and gives him a pancake to chew on.

*  
It ends up mostly in little wads all over his front.

*  
"These are -- um --"

"They're gross, aren't they?"

*  
Yeah.

*  
No matter how much syrup Mark uses, the pancakes still taste horrible.

*  
"Are you interested in downtown Palo Alto?" he asks, crushing his can.

"I'm interested in real bread," Hassan says, wrinkling his nose at his plate.

*  
Max gurgles and says, "Yuck!"

*  
He is right about that.

*  
Mark de-yogurts Max, and puts clean clothes on him.

*  
He knows the words for some things, like "Shoes!"

*  
Mark does not talk to Max like he hears the girls at the office talk to him. He talks to him like he is a normal person with a lot fewer words.

*  
Had you asked him back when he was a newly minted billionaire having a lot of random secret sex, if he liked kids, he would have said _no_ without thinking twice.

*  
And a lot of the things, like cleaning dried food off their faces or wiping their butts or dealing with their drool, are still pretty gross.

*  
But kids don't have enough words to have motives.

*  
They are easy to be around, these little bundles of want and promise.

*  
If they need something, they tell you, with their limited vocabularies, such as when they are putting Max in his carseat in the back of the Forrester, and he shouts, "Juice!"

*  
Clare does not let him have it but one time daily.

*  
"Okay, little dude," Mark says, handing him his cup.

"Juice!"

"There you go."

"Thanks!"

*  
They drive into town and walk around. Mark buys them croissants at a very good bakery, and he gets Hassan coffee and himself hot chocolate and then they go to the park. They sit on a bench and drink their drinks and eat their croissants and watch Max from no more than twelve or thirteen feet away.

*  
Hassan says something about kinship, but Mark is not paying very much attention.

*  
He is happy enough to be sitting, on a bench with someone he loves and drinking something warm when it is cool outside.

*  
Mark says this, out loud, before he even realizes he has said it.

*  
"You love me?"

"I what you?"

"You just said you love me."

"No, I didn't."

"So you don't?"

"Don't what?"

"You're being willfully obtuse again. Did you mean it?"

*  
He does indeed, mean it.

*  
 _The fuck?_

*  
Hassan smiles very big and kisses Mark on the mouth, right there in the middle of the Palo Alto playground.

*  
Lukewarm hot chocolate sloshes from Mark's cup onto the ground.

*  
It is a kiss that lasts until Max comes over and starts tugging on the leg of Mark's sweats, and saying "Nap!" in a voice that can only be described as insistent.

*  
When they get back to the house Hassan peels off to go and read in the sunroom.

*  
Mark puts Max down for his nap and sits in a rocking chair across from him, turning the pages of his picture books, until he hears his breathing, quiet and regular.

*  
It is important that Max's routine not change, that the same things happen at the same time every single day.

*  
That is the reason Clare has left so many lists, and it is the reason why Mark is following them, to the letter.

*  
Mark understands the importance of certainty.

*  
He sends Dustin a photo of Max sleeping, the text telling him what they did that day and that everything is okay.

*  
 _Aces. Clare wants to call later. Going to get Thai in a few! Bring on baby Echo!_

*  
Clare is still not one hundred percent sold on that name, but she wasn't fond of _Buffy_ either.

*  
 _Willow_ is still a possibility, for the girl who will be inhabiting the new nursery, one room over, when she is born very soon.

*  
Mark wonders what she will be like. If she will be like Max; if she will have red hair; if she will need braces or glasses or be left-handed; if she will grow up to be an activist or a gardener or a sorority girl, and a million other possible variables and potential trajectories.

*  
How crazy, to imagine a future that hasn't even happened yet, the future of a person who does not yet exist.

*  
Mark shuts the nursery door and goes to deal with the dishes piled up in the sink.

*  
Clare and Dustin have a fancy dishwasher, but Mark does not mind doing the dishes.

*  
He would rather do that, than cook, which he still is lousy at.

*  
Mark thinks that maybe they should order in -- maybe a real pizza, with gluten in the crust, which they can eat off paper plates so Clare does not cross-examine them about cross-contamination.

*  
It's worse than Passover, because that only lasts a week, and this shows no signs of abating.

*  
Hopefully she will get less crazy when she is not so retardedly pregnant.

*  
Mark's fingers start to shrivel, because he has kept them in the water for too long, rubbing a sponge over a shatterproof kiddie plate over and over again.

*  
He does not notice that he is not alone, until Hassan comes up behind him and leans over to fill up a glass from the tap.

*  
They have an in-door water dispenser, Mark knows. He could get it there.

*  
Mark can feel him swallow, standing right behind him, in his space.

*  
And then he can feel something else.

*  
Oh.

*  
 _Oh._

*  
He puts the glass in the sink, when it is empty, and then his hands touch Mark's stomach, and slide down, coming to rest, lightly, on his hips.

*  
"He asleep?"

"Yeah."

*  
He rubs his thumb across Mark's hipbone, pushing his waistband down just enough to touch him there, tickling against his skin.

*  
It is hardly anything, but it makes Mark shiver.

*  
And then down further, quickly, to ascertain whether or not Mark is wearing anything underneath.

*  
Which he is not.

*  
Hassan makes a pleased little grunt into Mark's hairline, and starts to mouth wetly at his ear, whispering.

*  
"I like it when you don't wear underwear," he says, drawing his hand away to stroke him through the fabric.

"W-what are you doing?" he gasps, knowing full well what he is doing, "I thought you had reading to do."

"I'm sick of studying," Hassan says, his fingers trailing up and down.

*  
Mark cannot come up with a clever retort to that.

*  
Hassan studies too much, anyways.

*  
Mark is still holding the plate and the sponge, his shriveled-up hands resting in the cooling soapy water.

*  
Hassan is rocking against him with his pelvis, and he can feel him, hard, through his jeans.

*  
Mark is pretty hard, himself, tenting the front of his sweats.

*  
He grinds his hips, forward, the cotton fabric growing stickier with every push.

*  
Hassan rubs his open palm over the damp patch and Mark moans.

*  
Loud.

*  
Hassan pushes him forward until his hips are pressed flush against the counter's edge, biting into his erection, painful.

*  
"Oh, God, oh, fuck."

"You like that?" he asks, an undertone of joking cruelty in his voice.

*  
That tone of voice makes him even harder, even wetter.

*  
He trips forward when Hassan slips his hand down the front of his sweats and fingers the curly hair at the base of his cock, brushing against him with his wrist and his dick twitches.

*  
His hands are wet, bracing their combined weight against the sink.

*  
He moans again when Hassan closes his bare hand around him.

*  
"You're gonna wake him up," Hassan says, finding Mark's mouth with his other hand, and slipping two fingers in as he murmurs, "can you be quiet, Mark?"

*  
 _Jesus._

*  
His eyes flutter closed as he starts to suck on Hassan's fingers, which taste like salt and smell like ink.

*  
The hair on his knuckles brushes against Mark's lips as he works his fingers in time with his hand, Mark's cock pulsing painfully, precome making his fist first smooth and then tacky.

*  
Mark is close, his hips stuttering forward, fucking into the tight circle of Hassan's fist, moaning around the fingers sliding slick against his tongue.

*  
Hassan pulls his hand away and Mark yelps at the loss of pressure.

*  
He was so close to coming, in his pants, no less.

*  
"I think you need something else to make you fucking shut up," Hassan says, removing his fingers and tracing a wet streak down the back of Mark's neck.

*  
He pulls Mark's sweats down, with one swift tug, until they are halfway down his thighs and his cock springs free, so hard that even air hurts, against it.

*  
Mark can feel Hassan unbutton his jeans, his cock resting lightly against Mark's bare ass as he ruts against him, talking dirty in his ear once more.

*  
"Turn around," he says, and Mark does so, shaking a little because he is so turned on.

*  
Like, so very turned on.

*  
He did not know that you could get this kind of illicit thrill with someone that you _love._

*  
It is so fucking sexy.

*  
It is unbelievably hot, because Hassan says dirty, nasty, disgusting things to him, and Mark both loves it, and he loves him.

*  
That is totally new.

*  
People have said all sorts of things to him, during sex, which he likes.

*  
And he has done all sorts of things, with tons and tons of people.

*  
But Hassan saying, "You want my cock in your pretty fucking mouth, baby?" and pushing Mark onto his knees, in Dustin's kitchen in the late afternoon while Max his godson sleeps in the next room, and Mark gasping, like he has just bolted across a courtyard is seriously, seriously, so fucking hot to him.

*  
Mark has sucked off men in locker rooms and hazy back rooms, in twos and threes and fours, a cock in his mouth and one in each hand, and been called all sorts of filthy names by onlookers who would sometimes masturbate, while they watched, and would come before or after the men he was servicing, the cocks he was sucking, and sometimes they would all come on him, a whole circle of men shooting spunk across his face or on his ass.

*  
And fuck, did he ever love that.

*  
It gets him hard even now, to think about, although he knows it is a dangerous place for his mind to go.

*  
But this?

*  
This is even better.

*  
His head is right in front of Hassan's cock, which is fucking lovely and brown like the rest of him, and smells just this side of funky, like the rest of him, and, it feels really good to be on his knees in front of his boyfriend, to take the tip of his cock in his mouth and suck gently, his eyes sliding shut as he lets the head pop out hard into his cheek.

*  
Hassan gasps when Mark deep throats him, the first time.

*  
Mark pulls off to catch his breath, but Hassan quickly tangles his hand in Mark's hair and holds him there until he chokes.

*  
God, that turns him on so much.

*  
He uses only his mouth; pressing the heels of his hands against his hard-on.

*  
"You want to come, baby?" Hassan says, after watching Mark bob up and down on his cock for a while.

*  
Mark pulls back, gulping for air now that his throat is no longer closed off.

*  
He nods, and then takes the head in his mouth, getting it slippery wet before popping it out and letting it slide against his cheek.

*  
Hassan nudges his fingers under Mark's chin.

*  
"Look at me when I'm talking to you," he says, sternly.

*  
Mark looks up, and licks his lips.

*  
"Fuck," Hassan groans, when Mark rubs his mouth against him, and then licks him, from underneath, until his dick is gleaming with spit, looking up from beneath his eyelashes the whole time.

*  
His eyes water, pleasurably.

*  
It is nice to have his mouth full.

*  
It is nice to make Hassan feel good.

*  
"God, Mark, your fucking _mouth_ ," he stammers, as Mark forges down on him again, harder and more purposeful this time.

*  
He wants to make Hassan come so fucking hard.

*  
Before Max wakes up.

*  
It makes it all feel so illicit.

*  
Just as dirty as a back room; the same kind of thrill.

*  
"Come on my face," he says, letting his cock slip out from between his lips, and Hassan says, "Fuck, yes, I can do that."

*  
He grabs his cock and works his hand up and down.

*  
"You gonna come for me, Mark?" he asks, looking down at his lap, his aching dick.

"Fuck, fuck, yes," he says, trying not to double over as he jerks himself off, matching the pace of his hand to Hassan's own.

"Say please and I'll come all fucking over your face, just like you want," he breathes out, the head of his cock growing darker, waving right in front of Mark's open upturned mouth.

"Ugh, please, yes, fuck, please, want you to," Mark says, nonsensically, hungry for it.

"Fuck, yeah, oh, that's incredible," Hassan says, and Mark closes his eyes, feels a hot pulse against his cheek and then one on his nose and then more against his lips.

*  
He squeezes his eyes tight when he comes soon after, in his hand.

*  
And then he opens them again, and opens his mouth wide as Hassan milks the last drops of come from his softening cock and lets them dribble out against his tongue.

*  
He licks his lips.

*  
Hassan pulls him up by the collar of his t-shirt and kisses him, roughly, up from his neck to his chin through the drips.

*  
He prises Mark's fingers apart and licks them clean, and then he presses his lips to Mark's and the taste of his come and Hassan's come mix together as they slide their tongues back and forth.

*  
It is seriously, so fucking hot.

*  
"Kinky little bitch," Hassan says, cupping his bare ass with one hand and pushing his hair back with the other.

*  
Mark grins. "You are," he says.

*  
They are kissing again when Max starts to cry.

*  
Mark sighs heavily and goes to check on him.

*  
"Mark?" Hassan says, stopping him with a hand on his arm.

*  
He looks up, quizzically.

*  
"You might want to wash your face first?" he says, pointing.

*  
Mark trots into the master bathroom and washes his face in the sink, using the face -- as opposed to the hand -- soap. He tries to hurry because he can hear that Max is wailing, loudly, but he is not sure what towel to use.

*  
There are bath towels, which Dustin may or may not use to dry his ass, and which he does not want on his face, thank you very much.

*  
There are also the fancy hand towels that are folded too neatly for anyone to use.

*  
And Max is still crying, though not as loudly, while he tries to settle on a towel.

*  
He goes for the hand towel, in the end, a crisp rectangle of peachy-orange, and wipes his damp face with it, and then tosses it in the hamper, next to Dustin's boxer shorts and Clare's pregnancy jeans.

*  
When he goes into the room, he sees that Hassan is holding Max and making cooing noises at him, trying to make him stop sobbing.

*  
He is bawling and there is snot all over his scrunched-up face.

*  
He wants Clare, he is screaming _mommy._

*  
"I'll call her, maybe she can calm him down?"

"Will she pick up?"

*  
Clare answers on the second ring; he can hear Dustin protesting in the background.

*  
Mark turns on facetime, and catches a glimpse of Dustin wearing what appears to be a cowboy costume.

*  
He doesn't even want to _know_ what that's about.

*  
Clare's face comes into focus, and Mark holds the phone up so she is in Max's line of vision.

*  
He snuffles and reaches his hand out towards the screen.

*  
Hassan bounces him up and down, and Clare says some soothing words and sings to him for a minute, and then Dustin's face appears to tell him that they will be home soon, okay, and then Mark turns off the video function and talks to Clare, who reassures him that he is doing a great job.

*  
Max is calmer, after that.

*  
He has peed in his training pants, while crying, so Mark decides to give him his bath early, before dinner.

*  
"Do you need me?"

"I got it, thanks."

*  
Bath time takes a while.

*  
Getting Max dressed for bed takes a while.

*  
Then he feeds him his dinner, which gets all over his pajamas, and his face and hands, so Mark has to change him again before he reads him a bedtime story about dinosaurs, and then one about a family that has a new baby, and like before, he hangs out in there until Max falls asleep, and he does not leave the room until he has watched him sleep for a while.

*  
Hassan has made some kind of stir-fry, with tempeh and red peppers in it.

*  
It tastes better than it looks.

*  
Hassan dumps Korean hot sauce all over his, which makes Mark wince.

*  
They leave the dishes for tomorrow.

*  
Mark is wiped the fuck out.

*  
Kids are draining.

*  
Hassan puts on a foreign movie, which is in Spanish and takes place in Mexico, and that he insists Mark needs to see.

*  
The boys in it are pretty attractive.

*  
They are best friends and there is something about a beach and a lot of sweaty sex with women, which doesn't turn Mark on in the slightest, and in between the sex there is a lot of talking, which he doesn't understand, because his eyes get tired of trying to watch faces and read the yellow subtitles and he can't seem to keep them open.

*  
He drifts in and out of sleep.

*  
Each time he wakes up he tries to refocus his attention on the movie, but he has had a full day, to say the least, and it is dark in the living room and he is wearing his sweatpants with his head in Hassan's lap, on top of a throw pillow, and Hassan is rubbing his thumb underneath Mark's ear, and it is just too damn hard to stay awake.

*  
He catches bits of the plot, as he jolts awake and then yawns himself back into sleep, his arm trapped underneath him, just this side of uncomfortable.

*  
Themes he's supposed to pick up on, probably.

*  
What friendship is supposed to look like, and how it changes through circumstances; choices.

*  
And kissing.

*  
Those boys are both cute, and at one point they make out.

*  
If he was not so tired he would be horny.

*  
The movie must end, then, while Mark is asleep, because he lifts his head and Hassan, who is reading one of Dustin's comic books, shushes him, and says, "Sleep, babe, it's fine."

*  
Mark mumbles something and buries his head back in the pillow.

*  
It is not Max crying or a crick in his neck or having to pee that wakes him up, though, later, but the house phone, ringing shrill and insistent, as his cell vibrates on the table, at the exact same moment.

*  
Dustin is breathless and Clare is screaming _motherfucking motherfucking fuck_ in the background.

*  
Apparently the super-spicy Thai food worked.

*  
She is having contractions, and they are taking an ambulance to the hospital -- not the Palo Alto Packard children's hospital where Clare is supposed to have her water birth, but San Francisco General, which is closer to their hotel.

*  
Dustin tells Mark he does not have to come, that he should not wake Max up.

*  
Mark wants to be there, but he is not sure he could do anything, really, besides worry.

*  
He tells Dustin they will come in the morning.

*  
Of course he cannot sleep, now that he knows.

*  
He has to get up and get a soda and starts pacing, checking his phone every sixteen seconds.

*  
Hassan just lets him walk in circles. He does not try to calm him down, which wouldn't work, anyways.

*  
At one point he turns on the TV to _Law & Order _reruns, which always seem to be on.

*  
Mark hasn't seen this episode, but he is too busy pacing between the kitchen and the bathroom and the back porch and Max's bedroom to see what is happening onscreen.

*  
"Come to bed, Mark," Hassan says, standing up, after several hours. "Bring the phone."

*  
They go into the bedroom and Mark lies on his back, clenching and unclenching his hands, sick with worry.

*  
The call comes around four a.m.

*  
She is just over seven pounds.

*  
Everyone is okay.

*  
Mark congratulates Dustin and exhales, hard, after he hangs up.

*  
They will go visit the baby, Whedon Rose Sanders Moskowitz in the morning, when Max is awake and Clare has rested.

*  
Mark is relieved, but he feels like an asshole (predictably, because he always feels like a fucking asshole) for not being there.

*  
"Get some rest," Hassan says, with his hand on Mark's head.

*  
It is shallow and unsatisfying, but he sleeps until morning.

*  
They do not tell Max that he has a baby sister, in the morning, when they are getting him cleaned and changed and fed and ready to go visit Clare and the baby in the hospital.

*  
Dustin has texted Mark to bring him some normal clothes, since apparently his cowboy outfit is chafing him.

*  
Mark takes care of Max and Hassan gets Clare's suitcase and puts some stuff in a duffel bag for Dustin.

*  
He lets Hassan drive his car, into the city, which he has never once done before, but he is too nervous, too shaky, too goddamned twitchy to drive.

*  
Hassan stops for coffee, at a drive through, and gets Mark an iced chai and a doughnut which tastes stale.

*  
Mark only eats half of it.

*  
The drive is not too bad. They alternate between NPR and eerily cheerful kids' songs, which would normally set Mark's teeth on edge, but today only serve as a reminder of how tired he is.

*  
Of course there is no way he can be as tired as Clare, or Dustin, even, though he did not actually give birth he was up all night, and Mark slept, a little, kind of, in the guest bedroom.

*  
Dustin looks like shit and his breath smells terrible, but he is grinning through his exhaustion, and kisses Max and takes him in to see Clare, first.

*  
She is only allowed to have one vistor at a time.

*  
They wait in the lobby until Dustin comes out, a few minutes later.

*  
Mark has been staring at the floor; thinking back to when Max was born and he sat next to someone else in a molded polyethylene chair, holding hands and pacing and fetching cups of coffee that no one actually drank.

*  
He was so nervous that something would happen to one or both or all of them.

*  
As if just by wishing, hard enough, he could make everything turn out okay, and protect everyone, and make things easy, once more, or once again.

*  
Control issues.

*  
It has never occurred to Mark, until now, that what he might be doing with all that focused hope and wishing --

*  
\--is _praying._

*  
"Mark?" Hassan is saying, and Dustin is echoing him.

*  
It is his turn to go and meet the baby.

*  
Dustin leaves Max with Hassan and follows Mark into the room before ducking into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth.

*  
Mark does not like hospitals.

*  
He is not afraid of death or sickness, not really.

*  
But they absolutely reek.

*  
The smell of disinfectant alone makes him want to retch.

*  
Clare is in the bed holding the baby.

*  
Mark is scared to come close to her, to touch it.

*  
"She won't bite," Clare says, her voice tired.

*  
The baby is asleep, all pink and wrinkly.

*  
It is not cute, per se, because its face is mushed up and it looks old, not new.

*  
But it is tiny, and new.

*  
Just hours ago it was not alive, and now it is.

*  
Mark touches the baby's fingers and she yawns, bubbles of spit popping out of her mouth.

*  
"Do you want to hold her?"

"What? Me? She's too tiny."

"Sit down, here. Here."

*  
Mark's leg presses against Clare's. Normally that would be too close for him -- normally he would want to keep the space between them as wide as it could be -- but he does not want to slide off the edge of the bed and drop the baby and concuss its tiny soft head.

*  
Mark looks at the baby.

*  
She is not cute.

*  
But weirdly enough, she is beautiful.

*  
And Mark, weirdly enough, says this.

*  
Not to Clare, but to the baby.

*  
She gurgles, which is probably nothing, or maybe it's gas.

*  
Mark hands her back to Clare, cautiously, and then Dustin comes back in and says that more people are on their way for afternoon visiting hours, so Clare should get some rest.

*  
He goes to get Max and Mark stands up to leave.

*  
He would like to hug everyone in the room, even though he is not a hugger.

*  
Mark does not do hugs, but he puts his hand on Clare's shoulder, and leans down and kisses the top of her head, and then the top of Whedon's head, downy and soft, and then he leaves the room, quietly.

*  
They take Max out to lunch and bring back a cheeseburger combo for Dustin and a chocolate shake for Clare.

*  
Max starts to get grouchy after lunch so they take him home for his nap.

*  
Mark takes a nap, too.

*  
He wakes up and stumbles into the living room to see Hassan drinking a Coke and grading papers while Max plays on the floor.

*  
Mark goes and gets a Coke of his own, swilling the taste of sleep from his mouth, and sits down.

*  
Hassan moves his feet so they are in Mark's lap and says, "Sleep okay?"

"Yeah," he answers, taking another drink, and then scrubbing his hand across his face. It feels like he could go back to bed for twelve more hours, easy.

"Is it late? Did he eat yet?" he asks.

"I suppose you could call what he does _eating,"_ Hassan says, raising an eyebrow.

*  
Max is more interested in throwing his food, lately, so every meal takes four times longer than it should.

*  
But everything with kids is pretty much that way.

*  
All the stuff Mark has sped through or ignored, most of his life -- sleep, food, hygiene, getting dressed and undressed and using the  
bathroom -- all of these take forever, with a toddler, especially.

*  
Dustin has texted to say he is staying the night in the city, and that his parents are flying in Monday morning and coming straight over.

*  
Max has mashed sweet potato all down his front and in his hair.

*  
He picks Max up from the floor and says, "Come on, little man, bath time."

"Do you need help?" Hassan asks, without looking up from the page he is reading.

"I got it," Mark says, "but thanks."

*  
Everything with a toddler takes a while, and bathtime is no exception.

*  
Max likes to splash, and he hates having his hair washed. That makes him scream in futile protest.

*  
They get him washed and then his teeth brushed and his hair combed and his pajamas on and it is time for bed.

*  
Mark reads him a story, the same one as the night before, about the family with their new baby, and then one about ducks, which makes him laugh and he smiles up at Mark, which makes him feel happy and proud and sad and fuzzy all at the same time.

*  
He has Dustin's smile and Clare's fat cheeks and it makes Mark feel lonely, inside.

*  
Maybe the heart is not just an organ.

*  
More than a metaphor, maybe.

*  
"Night, Max," Mark says, as he turns off the bedside lamp.

*  
He stays in the room until he knows Max has gone to sleep.

*  
He sits in the dark and thinks about possibilities.

*  
The new baby's future is still wide open; it is a blank page without parameters or variables, just yet.

*  
And Max, who has just turned two, is himself still underdefined.

*  
Mark chews on his cuticles until he is sure Max is sleeping, and then creeps out into the living room.

*  
"He's asleep," he tells Hassan, plopping back down next to him on the sofa.

"Mmm," Hassan says, eyes flicking over the page.

"Should I order something?"

Hassan does not answer, because he is writing something on the essay  
he is grading.

"Two seconds," he says, holding up a finger.

*  
Mark waits.

*  
It is longer than two seconds.

*  
"I want Chinese," he says, and Hassan wrinkles his nose, but he says, absently , "Whatever's fine,"

*  
Mark orders a bunch of food from one of the takeout menus in the kitchen. Hassan has cleaned up the mess from Max's dinnertime, mostly.

*  
He stays in the kitchen and washes the dishes, alone.

*  
When the food arrives he puts it all on the dining room table with plates and chopsticks and the spicy chili oil Hassan likes and that  
he, personally, cannot stand.

*  
He has to say Hassan's name like six times before he notices, and he still doesn't come, right away.

*  
It makes Mark grouchy.

*  
Hassan puts the papers away, though, on his way to the table and grabs Mark's wrist, in passing, and rubs his thumb over it.

*  
"Smells good," he says, opening a white box and peering inside.

*  
Neither of them say much, during dinner.

*  
Hassan chews absently and Mark thinks about variables; trajectories; futures; parameters.

*  
He checks on Max, who is still asleep, after they eat.

*  
"I'm too braindead for a movie," Hassan says, when Mark comes back into the living room and stands by the bookcase, turning his head to read the titles.

"What do you want to do?" he asks.

*  
They curl up in the guest bedroom and watch tv in there. Hassan flips the channels until he finds one of the police procedural crime shows he likes.

*  
Mark nearly always knows who the killer is by the second commercial break, but he has learned not to divulge this, because Hassan will get mad at him.

*  
He has often thought that he would make a pretty good detective.

*  
Blood does not gross him out, though he has never seen a corpse.

*  
He would probably be okay with that.

*  
Death does not scare him.

*  
"Do you ever think about doing something else?" Mark asks.

"Hmm?"

"If you weren't an archaeologist, I mean."

"I don't know. Law school, I guess, same as everyone," he says, scratching Mark's scalp. "I wanted to be a soccer player in middle school."

*  
Mark twists his head around to look up at Hassan. The flickering images from the television are reflected in his eyes.

*  
"I didn't know you played soccer."

"Until college, but then I just got too busy."

"You should play," Mark says, picturing the way Hassan's calves would look in tight white knee socks, imagining the way he would smell, like mud and salt, how his hair would curl up with sweat.

*  
 _Damn._

*  
"Like, for fun. Again."

"There's an intramural team on campus," Hassan says, "Maybe."

*  
They watch the television.

*  
Mark would have made an excellent detective. For one, he doesn't trust anyone. Absolutely everyone would be a suspect.

*  
Maybe he would have been a code-breaker, working for the government in an underground facility in the Nevada desert. But Mark does not really believe in government.

*  
Fact of the matter is, Mark doesn't _believe_ in much of anything.

*  
The things he believes in are non-things.

*  
Anti-matter.

*  
Chaos.

*  
Randomness : implosion : anarchy

*  
Sentient technology : the brain : neural pathways : numbers

*  
The infinite, even -- like the Kabbalistic word for God; like the Sufis in Marrakesh and Persia sang about; rather like the words of the poems that Mark still can't understand; symbolic logic; recursion; fractals; space; the human capacity for assured mutual destruction; the pain of losing love, or a friend, or both.

*  
On screen a pale mortuary sheet is being pulled back to reveal the face of a dead man to his grieving widow, and she gasps, her hands flying to cover her mouth.

*  
Mark knows, already, that she is the one who killed him, but he won't spoil it.

*  
He could have been a terrorist, because he has always believed in the creative power of destruction.

*  
Not the kind that blows up buildings, not a suicide bomber, not like that.

*  
But to throw algorithmic sticks of dynamite into the cankerous heart of government, industry, banking, commerce, pornography.

*  
Sabotage.

*  
Fuck the man. Fuck the _system._

*  
Fight the power and smash the state?

*  
Mark is thirty years old and a billionaire.

*  
Once at the vanguard of social media, the new punk on the block, Mark is now established. Mark is now entrenched. Mark is now an empire.

*  
Mark _is_ the man. Mark _is_ the system.

*  
And chaos is fine, as a mathematical concept.

*  
But it is not a very good way to live.

*  
It is no way to make a future, or raise a family.

*  
In-laws arrive the next day, and they all go to the hospital once more.

*  
Mark and Hassan drive there in their own car, and they visit Clare and Whedon.

*  
And then Hassan goes back to the East Bay and Mark goes back to work.

*  
Dustin is staying at home with Clare, of course, so Mark is crazy busy.

*  
Randi tells him he needs to call their mom, about Passover plans, and who is coming to visit who.

*  
He drops by Dustin's after work, to see the baby, but he doesn't stay. There are too many strangers, too much family, too many people.

*  
He is burnt-out on people.


	8. Chapter 8

*  
For the rest of that week Mark barricades himself in the office, working too late because Dustin is not there and he has two -- okay, three (four?) times as much to do without Dustin around.

*  
Hassan has a proposal revision to work on, and they don't see one another until Friday when they go out for drinks in Oakland.

*  
So Mark works.

*  
And he reads blogs, press releases, Amnesty International reports.

*

China is always on his mind.

*  
He sends hundreds of emails and cleans out his inbox almost entirely.

*  
He is the last one to leave four days running.

*  
It is easy enough for Mark to occupy himself with facebook. There is always something else to do -- another strategy report to look over, presentations from regional offices, requests for interviews to deny.

*  
It is of paramount importance that Mark stay super busy this week and next.

*  
If he is occupied with facebook then he will not think about Eduardo, who will be arriving on the twentieth of February and attending Whedon's christening, with his boyfriend in tow.

*  
He is not upset with Dustin for inviting him.

*  
He knows they chat and message one another.

*  
He does not read Eduardo's inbox anymore, but they post on one another's walls, and say things in the same comment threads, so he knows that they are talking.

*  
Chris Hughes is very close to Eduardo. They are friends, and Chris is his boss, indirectly.

*  
Sean Eldridge is married to Chris, so of course Eduardo is his friend, too, by association.

*  
Sean Parker doesn't give a shit about Eduardo. He probably never crosses his mind. But why would he? They were never friends. They only met what -- three times, total?

*  
Clare doesn't really care about him, either.

*  
It is strange, because Dustin is his oldest friend, but he doesn't always feel like Dustin is on his side.

*  
That's because he and Eduardo have their own history.

*  
This is what Clare thinks.

*  
She has come to Mark's house with Max and Whedon to escape the onslaught of parents and in-laws for a couple of hours.

*  
Dustin's mom wears her out, because she is one of those people that will not fucking sit still for two consecutive seconds and it makes her tense.

*  
Mark is perfectly happy to do nothing but sit on the floor, barefoot and watch Max play while Clare flips through a stack of magazines, none of which, she tells him, are about parenting or child development.

*  
"Ugh, this is so pretty. I want to be able to fit into a pencil skirt again. God, I'm so over being fat."

*  
Mark just lets her talk.

*  
Sometimes she needs to vent about things. And Mark is actually a pretty good listener. Not a talker -- a listener.

*  
The difference is important.

*  
He doesn't know what you're supposed to say, to girls, or friends, or girls who are friends, about things like boys and weight and haircuts and dresses.

*  
But he can listen, and hold the baby, and just hang out.

*  
They sit in the living room and Clare drinks rooibos tea while Mark holds the baby, her head supported by the crook of his arm, her tiny fingers curled around his index finger.

*  
Her feet are as long as one of his fingers, if that.

*  
She is so _small._

*  
And much prettier, as well, now that her face is not the color of intestines and scrunched up like bread dough.

*  
Her eyelashes are so pale that they are nearly translucent.

*  
The tufts of hair that she has are strawberry-blonde.

*  
Mark wants to protect her, even more than Max.

*  
Maybe because she is so little, maybe because she is a girl.

*  
Or just because she is totally helpless.

*  
Whedon yawns and sticks her fist in her mouth.

*  
Max trundles over and looks at the baby.

*  
He cannot quite say her name yet, he calls her _baby._

*  
"She looks like you."

"What, fat?"

"Don't be retarded."

"Mark."

"Sorry, _developmentally challenged."_

*  
When they leave he feeds the chickens and goes for a run, though not a long one.

*  
Sex is not the same as real cardio, and he is kind of out of shape.

*  
His lungs hurt and he gets a charley horse in his left calf, and limps back as the sun starts to set, huge and orange.

*  
He wants Hassan to rub his legs again, to work the knots out with his thumbs and then to rub his back and his neck that same way, and then use his fingers to do something else.

*  
Hassan is busy, though, barricaded in the science library, which has better cubicles and studious pre-med undergraduates working on O-chem problem sets.

*  
He does not run into anyone he knows there, so he does not get distracted.

*  
He has hidden study spots all over campus, and some in Berkeley proper, and one cafe he likes to go to, in Oakland, near his house.

*  
Hassan is too busy for a backrub slash booty call, so Mark jerks off in the shower, stripping off his sweaty grey hoodie and stinky socks and standing under the water for a long time, not even using the soap, just feeling the prickle of hot high pressure against his skin.

*  
Mark does not like his own body.

*  
When he thinks about sex, he does not like to picture himself doing it. He is not ashamed of having dirty thoughts, though of course he doesn't want his mom to know about them, or whatever, but he is, and has been, and will continue to be ashamed of his body.

*  
He has bulked up a little, but not much.

*  
Mark hates his knees most of all.

*  
He hates the way his hairless chest goes concave in the middle, too, maybe even more than his knees.

*  
Sometimes he imagines himself, but bigger, more manly. Not with the body of a sixteen year old.

*  
Other times he thinks about porn, which is straightforward stimulus-response kind of stuff.

*  
Or he will replay an encounter with someone.

*  
Something he saw other people doing.

*  
Or he will imagine that Hassan is there, giving him a blowjob. He pretends that his hand is Hassan's mouth, enfolding him, hot and wet, as water drips down his front and through his pubic hair.

*  
Occasionally he will picture Eduardo, sprawled out underneath him, all quiet and delicate and beautiful.

*  
The images of Eduardo turn him on, but mostly they make him feel sad.

*  
Sad that Eduardo wasn't that into giving head, even less so into getting it.

*  
Sad that he would kiss him on the mouth over and over again and he would yield to Mark, so easily, but he never really sounded like he was enjoying it.

*  
He never seemed to let go, with Mark, like he was always holding something back, that Mark could never kiss or fuck or coax out of him.

*  
It hurts too much to think about.

*  
Of course it makes him sad, even now, sad and sniffly, but it doesn't make his hard-on go away.

*  
He slaps a hand against the wet tile and tugs on his dick, trying to find the right configuration of images that will get him off without making his heart hurt.

*  
The hair on Hassan's forearms --

*  
\-- and some really nasty arcade porn --

*  
\-- and Eduardo's sheepish smile --

*  
\-- athletes in sleeveless t-shirts --

*  
\-- glory holes --

*  
\-- hot tub sex --

*  
\-- hair pulling --

*  
\-- this one time Hassan pinned him face-down on the kitchen table and twisted his arm behind his back, really fucking hard, and rubbed his scratchy face into the space between Mark's shoulder blades until it smarted like hell and every breath stung and just kept him there like that until he stopped thrashing, stopped resisting, even though he really wasn't resisting at all.

*  
God, that was good.

*  
That does it.

*  
He comes, hard, splattering the shower wall.

*

The following week is basically the same as the week before, with work and worry and all.

*  
He spends two nights in Oakland and he goes in to the office late on Monday, because of sex and then waffles at a hipster diner in Berkeley before Hassan's noon lecture.

*  
"You're coming, on Sunday, right?"

"Totally. I'll be done at four on Friday."

"Caltrain?"

"I'll text when I'm like twenty minutes from the station."

*  
He walks Hassan to class and is rewarded with a squeeze on the elbow and a pretty chaste kiss on the cheek.

*  
He mills around campus, reading flyers and watching hippies play hackey-sack, before ducking in to listen to him lecture, for a few interested minutes, and then he trots off to his car for the reverse commute and the working day and evening and night.

*  
Sunday hangs over him like a storm cloud, even though the weather is predicted to be fine.

*  
He hopes that it does not rain.

*  
Theresa talks at him on Tuesday, but he isn't all there.

*  
Wednesday he goes for a morning swim and orders peanut noodles for lunch; and though he is very hungry they lie there, congealing, until Randi throws them in the trash.

*  
Sean gets him drunk on Thursday, at the kind of club where he doesn't need to talk.

*  
On Friday he has a hangover that requires four Advil and three cans of soda to ease up.

*  
He picks Hassan up at the train station and drives them to his house.

*  
Friday night makes him happy.

*  
The weekend passes too quickly.

*  
On Saturday it is a lot of work to get out of bed, but they do so, because they are both hungry, after.

*  
Hassan has no nice clothes to wear on Sunday, so after breakfast they go into an adjacent store and Mark buys everything the shop girl tells him to, which is a lot of money to spend on clothes.

*  
Hassan looks uncomfortable. He looks at every single price tag and frowns.

*  
"Think of it as an investment," he says, "in your professional wardrobe."

Hassan snorts out a laugh, because he knows Mark is not one to talk about professionalism.

*  
He lets Hassan pay for the movie they go to afterwards, as he insists on doing.

*  
Hassan flashes his student ID to save two dollars on tickets and then Mark drops ten times that on overpriced snacks.

*  
"Do you need all that?"

"I thought you liked nachos."

"I love nachos."

"Well, so do I."

*  
They finish the nachos before the previews even start, and Mark goes to get them more as the ads play.

*  
In the theater, Hassan puts his arm around Mark -- a reminder that he is there.

*  
Mark is glad that he is there.

*  
He likes having him around.

*  
When they go back home they sit beside the pool and smoke, passing a joint back and forth with their feet in the water, their pants rolled up past their knees.

*  
Mark is worried about tomorrow.

*  
He does not know what he is supposed to do about Eduardo.

*  
"I can't tell you what to do, Mark," Hassan says, picking a shred of stem out of his mouth before exhaling upward into the darkness.

"Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated," Mark whines, kicking his feet and watching the ripples.

*  
He can hear the contented coo of the birds from the far corner of the yard.

*  
"It would be easier to just be like, a chicken or something," he says, handing back the joint.

Hassan coughs into his fist.

*  
There is a pause.

*  
"So let me get this straight," he says, turning to face Mark, his face awash with yellow and blue light.

"You would rather be a bird with a brain the size of a kidney bean than have a slightly uncomfortable conversation with someone you used to date?"

"He was my best friend," Mark adds, lamely.

"Then talk to him," Hassan says.

*  
Mark doesn't want to.

*  
Of course it would be rude, to not even say hello.

*  
He'll have to say hello, at the very least.

*  
It has taken him this long to be okay with Eduardo not being around, and now he is coming to Mark's coast, Mark's state, Mark's city, Mark's space, and Mark wants him there, desperately, and he never wants to see him, ever again.

*  
It's better for everyone if he just pretends that Eduardo does not exist.

*  
But he does exist. He is a person who is allowed to live his own life. He does not need Mark's permission or approval to live his own life, and at some deeply etched intrinsically fucked-up level, Mark resents that reality.

*  
Hassan puts his arm around Mark, like he did during the movie.

*  
"He hates me," Mark whispers, to the ripples in the water.

*  
"I don't know if that's true," Hassan says, "because I don't know him."

Mark is silent, stiff.

*  
The moon is waning, bright.

*  
He does not know why he is so sad.

*  
He is not alone, and yet he is so sad.

*  
Hassan rubs his thumb against Mark's shoulder through his sweatshirt.

*  
"The only person who hates you is you, Mark," he says, quietly.

*  
He is very nice, but Mark is not sure that he believes him.

*  
Sunday morning it drizzles.

*  
Mark leaves the Weather Channel on while they get dressed to go to the church.

*  
Hassan is saying something about _rites of passage_ and asking Mark which tie he should wear, but Mark is not paying attention to anything besides the radar map.

*  
"Do you want me to drive? You seem really spaced out."

"Hmm?"

"You're not still high, are you? Here, hang on."

*  
He goes into the kitchen and brings back a Red Bull for Mark, tossing it to him underhanded and then opening a can of Coke, for himself.

*  
"Keys?" he asks, rooting around the coffee table.

*  
Mark is preoccupied with the weather forecast.

*  
It is nothing more than superstition to believe that weather augurs the future.

*  
The ancient gods of the elements are no more real than the vengeful deity they are about to assuage through their attendance at a meaningless ritual.

*  
Mark loathes religion -- its pageantry and endless cycle of persecution and alienation -- but for most people, it is too frightening to live without that framework.

*  
Most people are afraid to die.

*  
So they go to a mosque or a church or a synagogue where someone learned and important will tell them what to do so that they can stop being afraid.

*  
Mark hates, more than anything, being told what to do.

*  
If someone tries to tell him what to do -- no matter who that someone is, even if they have a point -- he will do exactly the opposite, just because he can.

*  
He doesn't like to hear _no._

*  
Hassan is waving a hand in front of Mark's face, in between his line of vision and the television, where the temperature map of the continental United States has been replaced by one showing planting dates for the different growing zones.

*  
Not that Mark has a garden, or anything besides a few citrus trees and one scraggly avocado tree.

*  
Hassan uses the remote to switch off the television, and then he takes Mark's hand and tugs, in the direction of the garage.

*  
Mark exhales, shakily.

*  
Hassan opens the garage door and holds out his palm for the car keys.

*  
Mark fumbles in his pocket and hands them over.

*  
Hassan follows him down the steps.

*  
The morning is bright and grey.

*  
Mark wonders if he could get away with faking an illness.

*  
Stomach flu; food poisoning; migraine; heat stroke; aneurism.

*  
"Don't fucking make jokes about that shit, Mark."

"I wasn't joking."

*  
When they get in the car Hassan turns the key but he does not back out immediately.

*  
He has not yet put his seatbelt on, and the incessant beeping is annoying.

*  
"Jesus, just put your seatbelt on, make it shut up," he snaps.

*  
He is in a foul mood.

*  
A terrified mood.

*  
Hassan turns on the radio to music, rather than NPR.

*  
Mark puts his head back against the headrest and lets him do the driving.

*  
He feels sick.

*  
Hassan pulls into the parking lot of a Safeway.

*  
"I'll be right back," he says, slamming the door before Mark has a chance to answer.

*  
Mark rubs his eyes and stares at the parking lot through the window.

*  
"Here," Hassan says, handing him a red plastic cup.

*  
"I don't want juice, I'm not five," he says.

"You want straight vodka?"

"Why are we drinking vodka at eleven in the morning?"

"You are having one drink. It'll calm you down."

"Suddenly you're a doctor?"

"In like four years."

"Of _philosophy,"_ he snarks -- but he does drink his drink, in four gulps.

*  
Hassan has friends who do this, before they lecture, to take the edge off.

*  
He burps and it tastes like orange juice.

*  
He brought back doughnuts, as well -- a box of Krispy Kremes.

*  
He picks one up and then puts it back down in the box, untouched.

*  
The glaze makes his fingers sticky, so he licks them off.

*  
His stomach is sloshing as they drive to the church.

*  
Hassan parks the car.

*  
They sit there for five minutes and listen to the radio, and, okay, maybe have another swig of vodka, each.

*  
"I haven't had a screwdriver for years," Mark says, picking at the label on the orange juice bottle, "Not since college."

"Vodka doesn't smell," Hassan says, matter-of-factly.

"Is this something you know a lot about?"

"Well, if you drank coffee I would have bought whiskey and Bailey's for that."

*  
Mark thinks for a second.

*  
"That actually sounds pretty good."

"You'd drink it if it had whipped cream on it," he teases.

*  
That actually sounds _really_ good.

*  
Hassan eats two of the doughnuts and they watch people walk inside, in their dressed-up clothes.

*  
They get out of the car and go into the church.

*  
Mark always feels like he has done something wrong the second he steps over the threshold of a church.

*  
Which is stupid.

*  
He's Jewish, not a fucking _vampire._

*  
But that doesn't stop him from feeling like he is not supposed to be there if he does not believe in any of it.

*  
There are a ton of people there, in pews with straight backs.

*  
Friends and family and co-workers.

*  
And sitting off to the left, half a dozen rows behind Dustin's parents, is Eduardo.

*  
Mark knows him immediately, just from the back of his head.

*  
Mark forgets to breathe when he sees Eduardo.

*  
Mark trips over his own feet, for a second, when he sees Eduardo look over at him, and then look away from him and back in the direction of his boyfriend, who has some grey hair and an expensive suit to match.

*  
He has his arm slung casually behind Eduardo's shoulders and his tie is knotted perfectly.

*  
Eduardo is so beautiful he thinks he might be sick.

*  
They look like they belong in a magazine, the both of them.

*  
He burps again, the acidic churn of juice and alcohol in his stomach.

*  
Then Dustin starts waving, indicating where they are supposed to sit, by Chris and Sean, who are Whedon's godfathers.

*  
He knows that's not how it's supposed to work, not really.

*  
But a lot of things are not exactly as they should be.

*  
Whedon, technically, was born out of wedlock, because her parents aren't married.

*  
Max is his godson.

*  
He is Mark's responsibility, in a way that has nothing to do with religion.

*  
His belt digs into his stomach and the space behind his knees is sweaty as they sit down.

*  
Church makes him tense.

*  
The booze helps a little.

*  
Clare's mother has Max on her lap.

*  
He spends most of the ceremony with his fingers in his mouth.

*  
(Max, that is. Not Mark.)

*  
He doesn't pay very much attention to what is happening with the baby and the baptism.

*  
He is twitchy, and the back of his neck burns because he knows Eduardo is looking at it.

*  
When he turns around, however, Eduardo is looking directly in front of him, not at Mark or his neck.

*  
At one point he puts his hands under his thighs to keep from fidgeting.

*  
The goddamned toddler has more self-control than he does.

*  
Ritual happens, and he follows along, like he is supposed to, except for communion, of course.

*  
The priest says some magic words and brings about a change in the world.

*  
 _Beautiful bullshit,_ Mark thinks.

*  
They walk past Eduardo on the way out.

*  
He looks at Mark, and Mark looks back, and then Peter's line of vision follows Eduardo's and Mark goes hot and stares at his feet, in their too-tight dress shoes.

*  
He hates wearing a suit.

*  
His buzz has worn off, sweated out through anxiety.

*  
People congregate outside.

*  
Mark keeps his distance.

*  
There is a thing, after this, at Chris and Sean's.

*  
"We don't have to go, you know."

*  
He knows.

*  
"Come on, I'm starving," Hassan says, taking Mark by the hand.

*  
He drives them to an In-and-Out.

*  
They eat in the car, which makes the upholstery smell like french fries.

*  
"We could go, but like, get really hammered," Hassan says.

*  
He knows that Mark is upset, but he doesn't talk to him about it.

*  
He talks around it.

*  
About other stuff, like why shoestring fries have a natural affinity for cheese sauce, and about something called performativity that he finds interesting, and if Mark maybe wants to go see The Coup in Oakland in a couple of weeks, because they are awesome live.

*  
Mark eats his fries and drinks his soda.

*  
Fries are like the food you can eat even when you don't want to eat.

*  
Mark can never resist french fries.

*  
Hassan finishes Mark's cheeseburger.

*  
"We can get drunk?"

"We can get absolutely blotto."

"Is that old-time slang?"

"I'm trying to revive Depression-era speak."

"You are such a weirdo."

"Thanks, Gonzo."

"What?"

"Muppets? No?"

*  
Mark shrugs.

*  
Hassan lets his head fall forward onto the steering wheel in mock exasperation.

*  
And then he starts the car and drives them to the thing, where Eduardo is supposed to be.

*  
Dustin will be upset if he does not go.

*  
Chris will be upset if he does not go.

*  
He wonders if Eduardo will be upset.

*  
He wonders if Eduardo thinks about him, at all.

*  
He is quiet on the drive over.

*  
They drink the rest of the pint of vodka straight, after they park on the street up from Chris and Sean's house.

*  
Hassan puts the brake on, because they are on a hill.

*  
The sound of the car door slamming seems so very loud.

*  
The party -- if that is what this is, even though it is lunchtime and no one is doing drugs, so maybe it's not, quite, a party -- is underway.

*  
Hassan gets them two glasses of champagne each.

*  
He is a giggly drunk, and a hungry one, and he drags Mark over to the buffet to stand by the brie in puff pastry.

*  
"We just ate. How are you even hungry again?"

"But this is really good. Oooh, is that cake?"

*  
They drink champagne and circulate, like they are supposed to.

*  
He talks to everyone but he has no idea what he says.

*  
Everyone is happy, tipsy.

*  
Mark wishes that he felt whole.

*  
Or happy.

*  
At least he is not sober.

*  
He does not see Eduardo, although he scans the room for him every time he goes to get another drink.

*  
He might be a little intoxicated, not gonna lie.

*  
"You're drunk."

"No, you're drunk."

"You are."

*  
This back-and-forth goes on for a while, and then Hassan says, maybe more loudly than he should, that he has to go for a piss.

*  
For some reason this cracks Mark up.

*  
And then he sees Eduardo.

*  
He is not alone, and Mark is, at least momentarily.

*  
Like always, Eduardo looks perfect.

*  
He is so beautiful.

*  
And he is just across the room, but he feels so far away.

*  
Eduardo catches him looking, again, and he blinks at Mark.

*  
"Are you going to say hello?" Hassan asks, when he comes back.

*  
Mark is watching.

*  
Watching Eduardo talk to Peter.

*  
How he looks; how he moves; when he smiles.

*  
How he misses him.

*  
Desperately.

*  
Always.

*  
Because he was the first person Mark ever loved more than himself.

*  
And that is no small feat.

*  
Eduardo is better than Mark, in every possible way.

*  
Mark is just a person.

*  
Not a prophet, not an Elijah for the digital age.

*  
Nothing more, and nothing less.

*  
 _Genius?_ Sure.

*  
 _God?_ No.

*  
And Dustin is his oldest friend, true, but Eduardo was his best friend, before anything, and he misses that, the most of all.

*  
So he looks at Eduardo, from across the room.

*  
He is not a prophet, himself, and yet he deals in revelations and epiphanies.

*  
And all at once it makes sense.

*  
He thought Eduardo left because he did not love Mark.

*  
It had nothing to do with love, and everything to do with peace.

*  
It is so _simple._

*  
That the heart is like a ruined city, where battles once raged and corpses were left to rot.

*  
A ruin that cannot ever be rebuilt, because the world around it -- that which made it possible -- has crumbled, as well.

*  
Empires decay: old cities, fortresses, outposts are all that remain

*  
Rome cannot be restored to its former glory.

*  
(The same for Athens and Sparta and Carthage.)

*  
Mark sees.

*  
"I'm going to say hi," he says, as much for his benefit as Hassan's.

"Okay. I'll be in the kitchen."

*  
Mark walks across the room.

*  
Peter excuses himself just as Mark arrives, and Eduardo watches him leave.

*  
Mark looks at Eduardo and Eduardo looks back at him.

*  
The ruined part is love, and friendship.

*  
Eduardo is more than his former lover or friend.

*  
Eduardo is basically his brother.

*  
His best self.

*  
And he needs him, in his life, in whatever capacity Eduardo is willing to give.

*  
He does not deserve it.

*  
But he will tell him.

*  
And he will ask.

*  
He will start small.

*  
Coffee, or breakfast, maybe.

*  
And then he will ask him about human rights, and what he thinks Mark should do about expanding in Asia.

*  
Eduardo knows a lot, about ethics.

*  
Maybe together they will build something new, something different, atop the archaeology of what went before.

*  
Eduardo is looking at Mark, waiting for him to speak first.

*  
Mark is a little drunk, and the words are slow in coming, stammery.

*  
"Wardo," he says.

"Mark," he says back.

He takes a breath.

"Wardo," he repeats, "Wardo, I need you."

 

~fin~


	9. Coda

*  
It is not until after Passover and Easter in 2019 that it happens, that China finally opens up to them.

*  
 _The final frontier_ Dustin says, sometimes, from under a pile of his own offspring.

*  
Dustin is an awesome dad, of course.

*  
He brings the kids over to Mark's house, to swim in the pool with their arm floaties on.

*  
The dogs will jump in the pool and splash around, making the twins shriek and giggle excitedly.

*  
They have two, Ilsa, an Australian shepherd with different-colored eyes and Rick, a shelter mutt with only three legs.

*  
Everyone slathers on sunscreen except for Hassan, who comes outside every forty minutes to take a break. He comes down from his office on the second floor, where he is turning his dissertation into a book.

*  
He is supposed to pitch it to publishers in the fall, at the next conference.

*  
It's pretty cool.

*  
As is the post-doctoral fellowship he has at Stanford, which Mark did not, amazingly, have anything to do with.

*  
(Though he did give a shitload of money to get Fulbright-Hayes reinstated.)

*  
It was a good PR move, which Chris congratulated him on in a public statement during his campaign for the state senate.

*  
(He won.)

*  
Hassan finds his oddly timed altruism _adorable_ , which is a word he uses a lot to describe Mark and his face.

*  
It makes Mark roll his eyes, but he still likes to hear it.

*  
Hassan does not have to wear sunscreen, and neither does Eduardo, when he comes over to talk strategy by the pool.

*  
He has finally come out to California, and this time, it is fucking awesome.

*  
Eduardo's job comes with built-in flex time, for all the trips they take, together, to Asia.

*  
Somewhere along the line Eduardo stopped sounding like a used car salesman and learned how to command attention and people stop and listen, when he talks, and he is good, _so good_ , with the international logistics and all the different contingencies, and he's always prepared beyond belief, and nothing gets past him, anymore.

*  
He is so damn good that when Mark refers to him, offhandedly, as _the new and improved secret weapon_ Eduardo grins, really big, because he is no longer just a bankroll, he is Mark's partner, for real this time.

*  
They travel together, and get adjoining rooms, with a door between them, and watch crappy reality tv over room service french fries late into the night.

*  
Even when Eduardo gets no sleep he always looks perfectly pulled together, and he is so damn tall that everyone is practically a foot shorter than he is, and Mark is unbelievably glad, and unbelievably proud, and when they have that final stretch of meetings and dinners and sessions of mutual glad-handing, when Eduardo is directing their next strategic move and arguing that concessions over indigenous rights are not going to happen, though in secret, later, over American-style junk food ordered in, he will tell Mark that there is no damn way the PRC will cave on the Tibet issue, no matter how hard they push.

*  
Mark listens.

*  
This is Eduardo's area of expertise, and he knows his shit.

*  
Mark trusts Eduardo, so much.

*  
It has taken time, but he is pretty sure that Eduardo trusts him, too.

*  
They do good work, independently, but also and especially together.

*  
Eduardo is his partner once more

*  
Not his boyfriend.

*  
He has his own boyfriend, who he calls after he says goodnight and goes off to his own room, and through the door Mark can hear him murmur, and laugh, and sometimes other things.

*  
It still makes his stomach go twingey, but he knows he does not get to pick who Eduardo loves.

*  
Only Eduardo gets to do that.

*  
But there is a lot of love, in his life, that year, when his mother comes for Passover and she and Clare cook all of the food, for a week straight, and they rotate where they have Seder, and it feels really good and really right.

*  
Everyone's house is different, and people do things differently.

*  
At their house his mom does the cooking, which is fortunate, because he and Hassan cook not so much, and eat takeout more than they should.

*  
Neither of them are skinny.

*  
They drink too much beer for men in their thirties.

*  
Mark has to start doing sit-ups, which are horrible.

*  
Sometimes he goes to the gym with Eduardo to work out, and Eduardo will hold his feet while he does his half-assed sit-ups and tell him that he is doing them wrong.

*  
Then he will demonstrate, and Mark will let himself marvel at Eduardo's body, which is totally ridiculous, just like his hair.

*  
Hassan says it's because he won't eat carbs.

*  
The next time they get room service in Beijing, Mark does notice that he is the one eating most of the french fries.

*  
Probably that is why Eduardo has a six (eight?) pack and Mark, rather sadly, does not.

*  
But that is okay.

*  
His stomach is not perfect, nor is the rest of him.

*  
Hassan likes his body, however, still, so Mark doesn't worry quite so much about how he looks, and he feels good, once he stops worrying about his scrawny shoulders so much.

*  
He continues to like Mark, which never ceases to be astounding.

*  
They watch a lot of movies, and they take a lot of hikes, and they stay up late and sleep in and eat too many carbs for men their age.

*  
They travel around California with the dogs, and when they go out of the country -- to Cambodia and Egypt and India and finally, Lebanon -- they hire a professional dog-sitter.

*  
(Mark thought getting pets would be a good first step before parenting.)

*  
He talks to his mom about it, when she visits them.

*  
She fills the freezer with stacks of tupperware, neatly-labelled with their contents and use-by dates.

*  
 _Spinach Manicotti, Eggplant Parmesan, Beef Brisket_

*  
He asks Clare about it, when they are pushing a cart around Costco and she is stocking up on Lara bars and trying to decide if she should buy razors, because she might want to shave her legs again.

*  
She gives him a look and says, "Jesus, please, it's about damn time."

*  
Clare makes it clear that she is not going to have any more kids, for anyone, so if they want a surrogate they'll have to look elsewhere.

*  
Dustin talks only of playdates and vacations and has already planned the wedding of their children before he and Hassan even have any children.

*  
They have talked about it, in passing, over the years.

*  
In the dark, in bed, when secrets seem less frightening and talking comes easier in a state of semi-consciousness.

*  
Mark has found, oddly, that he loves a lot of people, and he has room for more.

*  
That love is strange, like that.

*  
It is like a spore or a cell or a virus.

*  
It multiplies, and it grows.

*  
So in loving Hassan he found that there was more love, not left over but always and constantly more, from a source he did not even know he had.

*  
They talk about surrogates.

*  
Adoption, local and international.

*  
Mark does his homework.

*  
He makes charts.

*  
Hassan rolls his eyes.

*  
They talk and talk

*  
(Money is, of course, no object.)

*  
It is Eduardo's idea, mentioned in passing, to think about China.

*  
Not as a strategic move, though in some ways it is calculated.

*  
Mark decides to think of it as fortuitous instead.

*  
So it happens, that he is expanding into the PRC and expanding his own family at the same time.

*  
There is a lot of paperwork for both things, and many many conference calls, for both things.

*  
They go out to dinner with Eduardo and Peter and drink too much wine two nights before they fly out to China.

*  
It is scary, how suddenly these things can happen.

*  
One moment it is all talk, all speculation, and the next gears are moving, and wheels are turning.

*  
They will bring her home in September.

*  
Mark's mom will come visit.

*  
Dustin, of all people, sets up the nursery.

*  
Mark thinks he should write a book on parenting. It comes so easily to him.

*  
(However, Mark is better with kids than he thinks.)

*  
He is not sure if he is ready.

*  
But just like all things, just like love and friendship and growing up, no one is ever ready, not at all, not really.

*  
It is like jumping off a cliff into the sea.

*  
You can wait and hover and stand and freak out.

*  
It is easier with someone next to you, someone's hand to hold.

*  
Someone to leap, with, into the unknown.

*  
Hassan squeezes back, when Mark grips his hand as they are landing, as he always does.

*  
(He is so lucky, and his life is very, very beautiful.)

*  
He shuts his eyes when the brakes squeal, and he holds his breath until he is sure that they are not going to die.

*  
The plane slows to a speed they might survive if it crashed, and then begins to taxi to their gate.

*  
The fasten seatbelt sign pings.

*  
Mark is as ready as he will ever be, for his life to begin.


End file.
